Porn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Porn
27
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 8:51pm
I caught my boyfriend looking at porn and it really bugged me. He has always told me that it wrong and he would never do, when ever I would bring it up he would sound disgusted and make me feel like I was dirty for wanting to do this with him, so it was much to my surprise I caught him. He even lied to me and told me I was seeing things and that it was none of my business. Eventually he confessed and said he was embarresed about me catching him. While he was at work I looked at his history and to my complete shock there was more porn than any thing else. i feel so betrayed and hurt. Almost like he has cheated on me. Anothor thing is that there were some gay site as well as girl sites. Does that mean that he is gay or that he was sexually abused as a child? what exactly does it mean. I'm so confused. I know that he loves me but I'm not really sure what to do or if i can trust him anymore. Is he looking at these site because he's not attracted to me anymore. He has always prided himself on living a life according to God. He grew up in a VERY religious family and he has always prided himself on that. But now its like I'm being shown a double life that he is leading. Please help me!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
In reply to: jt1010
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 9:03pm
Just because someone has grown up in a religous family doesnt always mean anything, and if his heart is for the Lord you have understand we all have our struggles. I have a friend whos marriage is on the rocks right now because (not entirely but haveing a large part)of porn. Honestly the best thing to do is to talk to him and just try to help him through it, ive seen porn destroy just as many lives as drug and alcohol abuse, and is in my opinoin just as big of an addiction. So just help him through it, try not to judge or jump to conclusions, it is a struggle one that he is obviously ashamed of, with him being ashamed of it brings hope that he does want to stop.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jt1010
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 10:07pm

I think you need to discuss what you found with your guy since it's affected the trust in your relationship. And especially, since he made YOU feel guilty for suggesting using porn together!

There's no way to repair this trust without an honest discussion about boundaries and what you expect from one another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: jt1010
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 10:32pm

I imagine that having grown up in a very religious family he was well aware at even an early age the porn and related stuff was very much off-limits, dirty, and shameful. It sounds to me that his denials BEFORE you discovered his porn stash are more likely to be a reflection of that and an guilty attempt by him to deny the very thing that he was secretly looking at. I would hazard a guess that he was torn between being attracted to the porn and his upbringing and so he went over the top when the two of you talked about it. Even to the poit of making you feel bad for suggesting it. I doubt that he was intentionally trying to make you feel bad. It was all about him and how he felt about it and how he was trying to work it all out in his head.

Now that he's been caught out and his secret has come out he's gone through a stage of denying it, and then he admitted the truth - that he is embarrassed that you know about it.

Generally speaking porn for most guys is a lot like the corny romance novels that some women read. You know the type - impossibly good-looking heroes doing swashbuckling deeds and rescuing beautiful yet terribly tormented women. It's a good read, it's a fantasy. The women are that read these things are usually very happy with their relationships and their husbands but the books are entertaining and a little bit of a fantasy. The porn is usually the same for the guys that use it. They know the difference between reality and fantasy and the girls and couples in the pictures are fantasy. Something to fuel the imagination and provide entertainment.

So, don't worry about your b/f using it or looking at it. He's just being a normal guy enjoying the fantasy and eye-candy. He loves you and he still thinks that YOU are attractive.

As for the gay sites? I doubt that it means that he's gay. He could just be curious. He's probably never really seen what gay men do and there is certainly a morbid fascination for many straight men to see what gay guys get up to! He's probably jsut looking. Of course, there is the small chance that he might be more than just curious but that's something that you should discuss with him. Even if he is interested you must remember that he is in a relationship with you and just because he finds other "people" attractive that doesn't mean that he's likely to act on his impulses with either man or woman. But as I said, more than likely it's just curiousity.
The internet is sometimes like having a big book on the coffeetable in your livingroom with the title "All the stuff that you never wanted to know about (Glossy pictures edition)". You know that you don't want to open it up but it's so easy because it's sitting there on the table in front of you day after day. Finally, one day, you have a look and Yes, the title was right. You DIDNT really want to look!

I'll go back to one of the things that you first said. You had suggested that the two of you look at some porn on the 'net. Why did you do that? You weren't gay, or molested as a child. You probably just enjoyed it as some entertainment. He's the same as you were, but his upbringing has made it difficult for him to easy accept that he enjoys skimming through sites trying to find a few pictures that actually interest him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: jt1010
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 12:16am

There's a lot of confusing stuff going on here. Looking at porn is not the end of the world. It doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you. Looking at gay sites doesn't mean he's gay.

He was brought up in a VERY religious home. Very religious can also mean very repressed. Now he's an adult, and he's curious about it, and wondering what he's been missing. But, he's also got the guilt that his upbringing put on him, so he lied to you about it. I would think that the lying is worse than the looking at porn. He should be able to trust you with things like this, particularly since you suggested that you wanted to look at it with him.

Something that confuses me is that it seems like YOU have no qualms about looking at it since you suggested looking together, so why would it bother you if HE looks at it?

Guys look at porn, and "sin" is in the mind of the "sinner". It's not unusual, and it has nothing to do with how they feel about their girlfriend, either. Unless it becomes an obsession, and he ignores you sexually because he'd rather look at the porn. It doesn't sound like he's doing that. Are you two sexually active? If you are, I'm sure his very religious upbringing also told him THAT is "sinful" too.

You two need to talk to each other honestly, and you need to tell him that if he lies to you about this, how can he expect you to trust him not to lie about other things. Tell him he doesn't have to feel guilty about looking at porn, but that you'd like to share it with him.

Start communicating with each other. If you have a good relationship, you should be able to talk about ANYTHING, including things that other people might consider taboo.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
In reply to: jt1010
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:15am

Curiousity != Addiction.

It's natural to like sex, it's natural to feel good or get horny when you watch people having sex.

And it's very common for some to be ashamed, especially with very extreme points of view that say it's bad, evil, an addiction that will ruin your marriage etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
In reply to: jt1010
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 11:04am
I ABSOLUTELY agree with Westridge and Greentrea. Men are visually stimulated, much more than women. He probably does feel ashamed to admit he likes it, that's how he was brought up to be. Don't focus on his deceit about it, not yet anyway. Support his desires, ask him again to look at it together, and show him that it is not vile and disgusting. It'll take time, but once he realizes you are not going to judge him, he'll be a lot more open with other issues he may have also. Then you can address the deceit and explain that it is worse to lie than feel ashamed for no reason. As for the gay porn, relax, he's probably "comparing" himself to other men and as Westridge says, he might be curious. With a strict religious background, I'm sure he has many taboos he's trying to get through, this being one of them. Relax and be supportive. Just make sure it doesn't become excessive. Once he learns you can enjoy it together, I don't think it will cpme to that. After all, we all want what we can't have. If he thinks he can't have it, he's going to want it all the more, THEN it will become a problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
In reply to: jt1010
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 12:23pm

"why would it bother you if HE looks at it?"

I'm pretty sure this is the reason why it bothers her:

"He has always told me that it wrong and he would never do, when ever I would bring it up he would sound disgusted and make me feel like I was dirty for wanting to do this with him, so it was much to my surprise I caught him. He even lied to me and told me I was seeing things and that it was none of my business."

Issues, upbringing, religion aside - this is inappropriate, relationship-hurting behavior. Just b/c he has issues with porn gives him no right to make HER feel bad about it or to lie to her. I think that this does point to bigger problems in the relationship b/c it is illustrated here that if he has an issue, rather than dealing with it, he will turn the problem onto her and/or lie about it. That is grossly unfair.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
In reply to: jt1010
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:07pm
You expect prolems in any marriage to be fixed overnight? Let's be realistic. Issues can be WORKED out, not just fixed or ignored. This is an issue that is about HIS learned values and taboos, not hers. If she supports him, he'll get over it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
In reply to: jt1010
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:22pm

"You expect prolems in any marriage to be fixed overnight?"

??? What????

"If she supports him, he'll get over it"

If she supports his way of dealing with his issues (lying, turning it back on her, general deceit) he'll get over it? What exactly is he getting over, and how is he going to get over it?

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
In reply to: jt1010
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:45pm
i GUESS i AM THE ODD WOMAN OUT... i LOVE WATCHiNG PORN WiTH MY MAN!!

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