Porn
Find a Conversation
Porn
| Mon, 05-02-2005 - 8:51pm |
I caught my boyfriend looking at porn and it really bugged me. He has always told me that it wrong and he would never do, when ever I would bring it up he would sound disgusted and make me feel like I was dirty for wanting to do this with him, so it was much to my surprise I caught him. He even lied to me and told me I was seeing things and that it was none of my business. Eventually he confessed and said he was embarresed about me catching him. While he was at work I looked at his history and to my complete shock there was more porn than any thing else. i feel so betrayed and hurt. Almost like he has cheated on me. Anothor thing is that there were some gay site as well as girl sites. Does that mean that he is gay or that he was sexually abused as a child? what exactly does it mean. I'm so confused. I know that he loves me but I'm not really sure what to do or if i can trust him anymore. Is he looking at these site because he's not attracted to me anymore. He has always prided himself on living a life according to God. He grew up in a VERY religious family and he has always prided himself on that. But now its like I'm being shown a double life that he is leading. Please help me!!!

Pages
That's exactly what I said. The issue isn't really the porn, but the lying about it.
But, she said she'd offered to look at it with him, at which point he said it was dirty and disgusting, or whatever he said. Now she's upset about him looking at porn, but she was willing to look at it with him until he told her he was "against" porn.
The point I was trying to make is that she shouldn't be upset over the porn, but over the lying, and the sneaking.
Kimmie
>>The point I was trying to make is that she shouldn't be upset over the porn, but over the lying, and the sneaking.<<
Very true. I'm not sure if he's even aware of how bad he made her feel though. Obviously it's all tied up with his strict religous upbringing. He may have just been going over the top when he denied it and has hurt her feelings that way. If he has intentionally hurt her feelings because he's passing his guilt off onto her, then Yes, he should probably re-evaluate how he's dealing with it and why he feels it is necessary to hurt her.
I don't see it as a major problem in the relationship at the moment. I think that once he sorts himself out and is in a position to look at the issue more objectively that he'll realise that he has hurt her feelings and that it was unintentional.
"Catholics are prone to this behavior "
What? Lying b/c they are embarrassed? Is the 'life training' that you're talking about also called 'deceitfullness'?
Look - I GET the fact that he didn't know how to deal with his porn viewing habits. But the fact is that when he doesn't know what to do (what else is he confused about?) he lies.
That is the bottom line. That's the kind of person he is. That's what his girlfriend just found out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Worried....I know what you mean. DH and I have had a hard time with porn. We used to use it and we had very little thoughts at all about it. Then we saw a documentary on Dorothy Stratten(we'd seen her in so many movies)...wherein they interviewed her sister. She gave insight to what Dorothy's thoughts were and how she was so sucked into the business. It had such an effect on us because at the time we had two daughters as well. We stopped all porn. It's been so ingrained in us, that we feel guilty about it still. It's so true...once you get a bad taste in your mouth, it's hard to get past it.
Edited 5/4/2005 3:20 pm ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
I think that's why my DH never chose to use porn....even as a young man. He always felt it was wrong morally because let's face it, porn can be a dirty little industry and it's no secret that many of the people involved come from very troubled pasts. He doesn't want to contribute to anything that tends to subjugate or objectify people. And he feels it objectifys women AND men.
He obviously understands that he's probably in the minority when it comes to male thinking on the subject though. LOL!
Sex has always been very intimate and special to him in the sense that it's about creating an intimate world that you only share with one person. As I've said before, he tends to be even more romantic than I am. And that's why we have made our own videos instead.
But none of us can say that porn is harmless for everyone or not destructive for anyone. It depends on too many other factors and we need to be conscious of that when giving our opinions.
Edited 5/4/2005 4:43 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
kat,
That was interesting. If the porn industry was different and the participants were quite willing and empowered, do you think that your husband might view porn differently and be happy to watch it?
It seems that he's not so much not interested in the visual stimulation that porn provides as opposed to the industry itself. I thought it was interesting that you said that the two of you have made some home movies almost as a substitute for commercially available porn.
"IF the porn industry was different......do you think that your husband might view porn differently and be happy to watch it?"
I asked him this question years ago and his answer was no, for moral reasons. He just feels that porn taps into the selfish tendencies we all have, particularly men when it comes to sex, and makes it too easy to turn to immediate gratification rather than to a partner for sexual intimacy. And let's face it, a fantasy has no needs or desires and is all about the person viewing it, isn't it?
He's also fully aware of the role that porn played in both my brother's marital problems, and subsequent divorces, as well.
"It seems that he's not so much not interested in the visual stimulation that porn provides as opposed to the industry itself."
Well, he's a normal heterosexual male who comes with all the same desires and needs as any other man...he's just made a personal choice as to how he will express those desires and needs within marriage and he lives by it. And I greatly respect him for that.
" I thought it was interesting that you two have made some home movies almost as a substitute for commercially available porn."
LOL! Well, we've never used porn, so our little clips can't be considered substitutes for something we've never used! Once we got our videocam, we had some fun with it and still get it out every so often but we delete everything once we view it once or twice. Hey, sometimes, we just set up large mirrors to watch ourselves and that's fun, too.
We both love sex and experimenting, we just don't feel that we need porn to keep things interesting in the bedroom. And after 29 years together, we've been pretty successful at doing just that!
Pages