porn as an addiction??? Please Help!
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porn as an addiction??? Please Help!
| Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:14am |
Let's see here.... I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We have lived together for almost a year. But since we have been living together I notice how much he is involved with watching porn on the internet, or on the pay-per-view. We hardly have sex now, not as often as I would like anyways. And he doesn't seem interested in me anymore, he would rather watch porn. I can always tell when he doesn't watch porn for a few days because he is actually more interested in me and we will have sex. And it is always really good. But it's like when he watches porn he doesn't need to have sex with me because he already got off. I guess what I'm wondering is do you think this is an important issue? Because it just makes me feel like crap sometimes. What is worse is we will talk about how later on we will get some fun, I'll get my hopes built up and when I come home from work he's not interested anymore. Come to find out he was watching like 2 hours of porn and I'm sure that he is all worn out or something. We talked about it once before but he says it's harmless. But it is as soon as I walk out the door. I mean literally! I've forgot something drove back home to find him on the couch with his hands in his pants jacking off to porn. We acted like it was nothing I grabbed what I needed and stormed out. I just was wondering if I could have some advice how to bring this up. Because I know as I am sitting here at work, and he is off this week he is at home watching the new porn that he bought. It just makes me feel like he is almost cheating on me. Watching other women get off. Not to mention that most of them are a lot cuter and I'm sure sexier than me. But to think that now he doesn't want to have sex with me since he has his porn. I guess I was just wanting some advice on what to do, or to know that I am at least not the only woman that this happens to and to know what you do. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Hi Virgo Gal. He's right, the porn wouldn't be a "big deal" if he wasn't neglecting you to use it. But he is. This is a problem that needs to be discussed and compromised on and first, he has to recognize that because YOU have a problem with the amount of time he's spending doing this, that it's his problem, too.
IF he's unwilling to scale back his use, then you may need to decide if he's making you enough of a priority. IF he cares enough, then he'll adjust his usage so that he's meeting your needs again. But if he's unable or unwilling to do that, for your benefit, then he may very well have an addiction. That will require some counseling to deal with.
This is really not unlike any other conflict a couple can have though. You just need to agree on the boundaries about this particular habit.
Edited 6/1/2005 11:20 am ET ET by barrister1984
Hi Virgo gal,
It seems this subject comes up over and over again on these websites. The internet, while a wonderful communication tool has created a never before seen access to porn. Plus videos and DVD's have taken the stigma out of its use. When I was a kid, if a guy wanted to masturbate to porn, he pretty much had to go to a sticky floored theater to do it. MUCH HARDER than sitting in your living room with a remote control in one hand and your penis in another.
Porn addiction is like any other addiction: the addict tries it, likes the high and then tries to repeat the experience to get the high. THe only problem is that the next time, it's not the same, so they increase the dosage. In the case of pornography the addict needs an ever increasing and changing aray of materials in order to get the original feel. Eventually it gets out of hand (no pun intended) and the addict becomes completely obsessed with their addiction and they lose connection with all the things that are important in their life. They are willing to throw it all away for the sake of the "drug"...that is until it's gone...then it's like they see clearly for an instant. It's at that moment that some addicts are able to overcome their situation.
Like booze or drugs, often times an addict needs to hit the infamous "rock bottom" before they recognize the spiral that has entranced them.
Your boyfriend may not be at this point, but if he can get a handle on this now, hopefully he won't ever get there.
My advice would be to talk to him in a non-judgmental way (realizing that to judge his addiction will add to its power by making it a taboo); explain how you feel and that you have a need for connection with him. Tell him how many times a week that you would like to make love and ask if he can do that. Without threatening, tell him that you do not want to live this way and that you need to take care of yourself. He needs to see that his addiction is damaging to you because it robs both of you of greater intimacy.
Porn or a glass of wine isn't a big deal until it becomes an obsessive addiction. Nothing in moderations is "bad", but anything taken to excess tends to disconnect you with the world around you and you really miss out. If he were to take all his porn and throw it in the garbage, he would be a much happier person.
Good luck.
Scott.
Here's hugs to you. You have a long road ahead of you if he's truly addicted. I know a few women who have gone through it. One is divorced, the other is getting divorced, and the third with therapy has been porn-free for about two years now. These were men who used porn moderately most of their lives, but once they were connected to the net, lost control.
No, you are not alone. In fact, you may be representative of what's to come. My only advice to you, is not to let it go. Make sure that he understands the severity of it, and get help if necessary(if he can't stop). Good luck