Problem in bed- anything i can do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Problem in bed- anything i can do?
4
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 6:53pm

My new boyfriend and I have gotten to the point where we are ready to be intimate with eachother. We spend the nights over and have recently confessed our love. Everything is great- except he can't stay hard.

He only has one testicle and has told me about this (I was the first person he's told outside of his family and it was a very big weight off his chest to share this personal story with me).
He gets very frusterated and down on himself. I've assured him that I love him no matter what and will work through this with him. He's shared with me that he feels nervous and that he won't "please me".
We've talked about all of this and he says it definitely doesn't have anything to do with me and that he's thinking it is something physically connected to his health rather than mental (overthinking and nerves). But is there anything else I can do? Other than just being supportive and understanding and trying not to make him feel pressured, and assuring him that I'm there for him no matter what.

The other night we came very close, but as soon as I asked if he wanted a condom and he said yes and i reached for one, he went soft. I asked him later if he had brought up the condom topic if that would have kept things going and he said probably. Since then I've let him know where the condoms are in my room and that when he feels ready he knows I'm definitely ready. I keep thinking he just feels really nervous about pleasing me.

Then I feel that if I do anything, like go down on him for example, that won't help the situation and that all I can do is wait for him to come around and get more comfortable with me. And of course inside I keep fearing that it is me and that it's a sign that he's not as sexually attracted to me as he says he is. Though he has assured me it's not and that he gets hard just thinking about me and wants to "do all kinds of things" to me- but still, I feel like i'm somehow inadequate.

Any suggestions or advice. It has only been a month- so things are moving a bit fast. I feel silly for worrying about this already and have a feeling that in a few months we'll be doing it like rabbits- but at the same time i'm a little afraid.

I'm afraid that it will never happen and that we'll turn into a sexless relationship. Which well, would really suck because I love this man so much and still can't beleive how we found eachother and how right we are for eachother. He feels the same way- it's still kind of surreal- so perhaps that has something to do with his nerves.?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 9:01pm

As you said, this has only been a month. I doubt that it's anything physically wrong with him as he can clearly get and maintain an erection - it's just when he gets close to intercourse that he looses it. I think that it's probably just a measure of the strength of his feelings for you. He cares about you, wants to do well, and put basically he gets nervous. The nervousness makes him loose the erection. When he gets comfortable enough, he'll be OK and things will go just fine. The odds of this becoming a sexless relationship are fairly low.

You're right. I don't think that going down on him will help the situation if he thinks that you are trying to get him hard again so that you can continue with intercourse. If you went down on him and told him that the sole purpose of it was to make him orgasm then it might do some good (then again he might still be too nervous to orgasm). But at least the two of you would become more intimate with one another. I think that it would probably be a good thing to do if you leave initiating intercourse entirely up to him.

I think that the best thing that you can do is to tell him once and tell him clearly that the decision about intercourse is his, that you won't mention it again, and that you will leave it up to him. If he wants it, he is to make the first move. In the meantime the two of you can do everything but and that includes oral sex for both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 11:36pm

Thank you! It's a relief to hear feedback and know that I'm not alone here. And it's good to know that my thoughts on this seem to match yours.
Yes, that's exactly why i wasn't sure about performing oral sex on him- i didn't want him to think i wanted him hard just for my own selfish reasons. And yes, I like what you said about letting him initiate it. I have told him that and will probably mention it again just so it's clear that I do want him and am not "giving up" or anything. I want him to know that whenever he's ready, so am i.

ANyway, thanks again for the advice. Much appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 11:49pm

>>i didn't want him to think i wanted him hard just for my own selfish reasons.<<

Well, I don't think that they're that selfish :-) LOL!

The two of you have both agreed that you want intercourse and it's not unreasonable to actually want it to happen sometime.... but just give him some time to sort himself out and don't completely give up on the idea of intercourse. Don't shut your feelings down. You're allowed to want to have sex and you're allowed to feel a bit frustrated - but at this point there is probably no good to be gained by showing him that you're frustrated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 1:14am

First of all, the fact that he has only one testicle has NOTHING to do with his erection problem.....excepting maybe that it makes him feel insecure.

Secondly, it's only been a month, and you two really don't know each other yet, and he's not comfortable with you yet. It's not unusual for a guy to lose his erection when he's nervous.

Third, many men "loose it" when it comes to condoms. Why not get on some kind of b/c so that he doesn't need condoms....(as long as he's been tested for STD's).

Fourth, there is NOTHING for you to feel inadequate about. This isn't about you, you have nothing to do with his erections, or lack of them. This is strictly his problem.

Fifth, there is no reason why you can't give or receive oral sex because of this. That would probably make him MORE comfortable, being pleasured by you, and knowing that he's giving YOU pleasure. Intercourse isn't all there is to sex! It's ALL sex, and if you can't have it one way, you can have it another way.

Last but not least, there is NOTHING you can do about his erections or lack of them, other than not make a big deal out of it. If you just relax and learn to enjoy each other's bodies, he WILL get an erection that he can keep. You just have to be patient, and enjoy each other in other ways until then.