..a problem or absolutely nothing??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
..a problem or absolutely nothing??
3
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 2:13am

My bf and I have been having sex for over 6 months now. We're very honest and open about things in our relationship and we're really doing well. I noticed something one day and I don't think it's a big issue but I was wondering about why he never asks me to have sex...either I initiate it or we just end up from making out into having sex. It came up in a conversation once and he said he doesn't know why but he's scared I'll say no, even though he KNOWS (providing nothing was wrong) I wouldn't say no.

What could that mean? I feel maybe that he's not entirely comfortable with it then..no? Or he has an underlying fear of reejction??

He seemed a little embarrased by it so I didn't want to make him nervous or anything about it because I really don't find it to be a big deal. It doesn't seem to bother him and it doesn't bother me, it's just something I hope he's alright with and it doesn't make him feel bad or shy or anything.

Does this seem like something I should dig into with him a little more and talk about??

Thanks guys :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 2:57am

I'm a little confused about this: "either I initiate it or we just end up from making out into having sex." Who initiates the "making out"?

Since you opened the subject with him, you need to tell him that EVERYONE worries about rejection sometimes. You also need to tell him that because he doesn't initiate, that makes YOU feel that you're the one who wants it, not him, and that makes YOU feel rejected. There has to be a compromise, and he has to understand that you're not going to say no, unless you have a good reason to do so.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 7:24pm

Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. IF you're always the one initiating the makeout session and it works for you, then don't worry about it. Some of us are simply more affectionate than others. So maybe your guy hasn't had the opportunity to initiate, and that not his fault.

But if this is starting to bother you, ask him to take the initiative to begin kissing, etc.

But, as GTB pointed out, who isn't afraid of being rejected occasionally? Remind him of that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 12:54am

There are two reson I can think of for this. The first being he is afraid of rejection. Meaning he is afraid if he tries to initiate you will reject him. This could have happen during a time when he tried to initiate with you or a previous partner may have wanted to be the one who initiates. So he might need some subtle encouragement.

The other reason that somewhat relates to the first, is that he lacks confidence. This can be for several reasons. He may be one who likes it to happen naturally or not sure how to communicate his interest to you. Also maybe he is waiting to see where the relationship is going before he takes the effort to initiate. He may not have the confidence in himself to start initiating for fear that if he does he might be seen as too aggressive by you and he would loose the relationship with you. So for the time being until he knows where the relationship is going he may be holding back until he gets a clear indication that if he initiates he will not loose you.

Main thing here do not make it into a big issue. Try to find subtle ways to encourage him to initiate. The longer the two of you are a couple you may find he just initiates it himself. Main thing is let him know you are secure in the relationship and that if he initiates it is not a negative thing.