pushing for sex/how to say no
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| Tue, 11-30-2004 - 2:04pm |
I'm involved with this guy that seems to have a really high sex drive...we both are just getting out of relationships but we've liked each other for two years.
He won't touch me if I say no, but he seems to have it in his head that guys just need sex. I had told him originally that I wanted to make him wait...now unfortunately last week one thing led to another and we had sex..it was more of an opening up session actually because I'm a virgin and I'm still pretty tight down there. But, I wasn't ready for it, he never asked if I was, and I am slightly resentful even though I sort of let it happen.
Nonetheless, I don't think I seriously want to actually have sex for at least a couple of months when I feel more secure with our dating and all...and to him its an eternity, but he says, ok.
My question is though, when the time comes when he might start pushing for it again, how do I effectively communicate that no, you don't need it, you can live without having sex for a few months. He's not much of a talker, so I don't want a long drawn out thing...just the right words to shut him up. How do I effectively say, I need time to be sure? Will he leave...I doubt it, he's not the partyer or the barhopper. Any suggestions?

One simple word, *NO*, he doesn't need an explanation, he doesn't need to know if it's for 2 weeks or 6 months, when you're ready, you'll let him know.
You can't tell him what HE wants or needs. You can only tell him what YOU want, and what you don't want. You don't want sex, then the answer is NO! If he can't respect that, then if he leaves, he's no loss. If he's the right guy for you, lack of sex will not chase him away, and conversely, if you give in to HIS wishes, it won't KEEP him around, either.
If he's that hard up, introduce him to Mr. Hand. No one NEEDS sex, they just want it if they can get it. You also can't "resent" him if you allowed him to do something. If you didn't stop him.....then he assumed it was ok.
Also, virgins don't need an "opening up" session. That's not how it works. When you're ready, and you are comfortable with it......you'll "open up". Of course, it's up to him to HELP you....meaning lots of foreplay, lots of clitoral stimulation, and LOTS of patience.
Men have waited YEARS for the right woman to be ready. If they can't wait, then they're more interested in their own gratification than what you want. It's called lack of respect. And if you let him do what you don't want him to do, it's called lack of respect for yourself.
If you don't want sex then your within you rights to say no.
Ether he can live with that arrangement or not. You say he says he can accept it in which case every thing is fine.
To answer the question does he need sex to live, no he will survive without it. That said the situation could also leave him to feeling frustrated, unhappy, stressed etc and those are all valid feelings.
Keep in mind just as you have the right to say no he also has the right to decide if this is an arrangement he can live with.
He needs to understand your position but also honestly know himself well enough to know if that’s something he can be comfortable with and not pressure you. You need to understand the answer might be sorry but this is not something he’s comfortable with. If that were the case either you two renegotiate terms or decide maybe it isn’t the right match. If that were the resolution it does not make ether of you a bad person just not compatible.