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| Mon, 05-16-2005 - 5:40pm |
It seems that whenever a guy finds out that I am a virgin, he backs away like its a bad thing. This guy I was seein' told me straight up he didn't want to be my first.What is that? I wanted to have sex with him, I feel annoyed that he did that. SO, are guys scared off by virgins?

Of course not. Sounds like you're just meeting the wrong guys.
My DH wouldn't have reacted that way at all! He was quite disappointed that he wasn't my first because I was his.
One day, you'll get a very different reaction, no doubt about it.
I agree with the others. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin, and it's not going to scare a guy who's INTERESTED in you as a potential girlfriend. If these guys are just "casual" friends, they don't want the responsibility of being your first.
Why not try to get into a GOOD relationship, based on feelings, and respect for each other. Eventually, when you've gotten to know each other.....it won't matter at all.
It's not you, it's the guys you're dealing with. They're looking for sex, not a relationship, and if you're a virgin, they don't want to have to teach you anything, they want someone with experience that will "take care of them".
You have run into the double standard and I think a bit of societal backlash towards Bush's ultra conservative agenda. Let me first talk about the double standard. Society / parents / religion/ & media protray women as pure, innocent, and wholesome. Furthermore the Christian religion through the story of Mary (personally I believe there are problems with the story but addressing them are out of scope for this reply) as being a virgin and thus reinforcing the image that women should be virgins.
Fast forward to modern times, these hisotric images of women create the belief they should be virgins. The beilief is further reinforced by men, who may enjoy being around a sexually charged woman but in reality if that woman has had more partners than that man she is branded. A man may state he does not care about the number of partners a woman has had but behaviourally he will seek out someone who has had less experience than him.
Now the sticky part, men (speaking generically) will shy a way from virgins for two reasons. The first being there is a bit of insecurity that men have about sex. They tend to think that they may be good but there is alot who is better than them. So when a man finds a virgin it puts pressure on him since it is woman's first time. Men do not always equate sex with love and do not always need an emotional bond with a woman to have sex (generically speaking). Whereas sex for women (generically speaking) tends to involve some type of emotional bond before engaging in sex with a man. Therefore from a males perspective there is a bit of performance anxiety associated with virgins.
The other aspect, is men to some extent perfer women to have had some experience. This is to take the pressure off of them and a chance to reinforce their need to feel competititive. Men do like to compete and so if they find someone who has been with someone and the woman stays with them, it reinforces their superiority.
Another possibility is a backlash to Bush's ultra conservative agenda that is closely tied to a conservative Christian agenda. Publically people may say Bush's beliefs on stem cells, abstinence, and abortion are fine. However personally they may feel they have problems with certain things he is saying. If there was complete harmony between what people say publically and privately the pornography industry would not the giant it is today and porn would be tightly controlled on the Internet.
I am not saying any of this is occurring but instead are stating my views. I think society puts pressure on women to be wholesome but allows men more freedom. However society does discourage men from expressing feelings and relating to them too. So for both men and women who are in a similar situation like yourslef I think it makes it a bit messy. You may feel that men are put off by virgins and to a point you are correct. I do however encourage you not to be discouraged and try to think about this in a larger context.
Guys that feel some sort of moral... moral feeling? moral obligation? They realize the level of iMPORTANCE for that first time, feel #1 they don't want the RESONSILILTY of being your first, they feel the moral obligation that goes with being your first, they have to call they must be kind, they can't use you, there's alot of pressure on them to be a truely good guy and that can be just too much pressure for some guys, even if they TRUELY are the gOOD GUY. Its scary to have alot of pressure.
Also , he may feel, well shoot, if she waited all this time to have sex she must be waiting fo rtheright person or something, does she expect more from me? does she expect me to marry her or something? be in a heavy duty committed relationship? Even if he wants those things, the fear that you may EXPECT those things just because you had sex, freaks him out. Also, first tiem sex can be painful, both emotionally and physically.
In gist, being the "first guy" is alot of pressure and responsibility for the guys that realize the importance of first tiem sex. Guys tha are enthusiastic about de-flowerment like being teh one who "dirtied you up". Beware of those.
I dont know what advice to give you, but thats been my experience with the WHY they wont let you give it up...