Question about possible abuse??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Question about possible abuse??
105
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:08pm
Hi. I don't know if this is the right board to ask this question, but thought I'd give it a try. If there is a better board, please let me know. My question is - I feel like I may be being a bit abused, but not sure. This is a little embarrasing, but my husband (when we don't have the kids with us) wants and expects me to cook dinner topless, serve dinner topless and eat dinner topless at the table. In the beginning, I took this as just another one of his little kinky ways and I eagerly joined in. But sometimes I don't want to do this and he is becoming quite demanding about it. I know this is so weird, but I just wanted to here if anyone else has something like this they live with. Am I being silly about this? Should I just do it because obviously he enjoys it and what the heck. I don't hate it. I'm just starting to feel a little abused by it. Any comments would be helpful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:17pm
If it isn't abuse, it's verging on it. Anytime one partner "demands" something, and can't accept that their partner doesn't always want to do it.....is being emotionally abusive.

He has the "right" to ask you to do this, or anything else he wants you to do. But if you say you're not "in the mood", or just don't want to do it, then he'd better accept your decision.

What happens when you say no? Does he get verbally abusive about it? Or does he "punish" you in subtle ways?

There's a big difference between asking for something, and demanding it. Unless you want him to walk all over you, you need to make him understand that he can't ALWAYS have his way. He's using "control" to get what he wants, and that's abusive in my book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:27pm
I told him no the other night. I just wasn't in the mood and he kept telling me how he really loves it and he loves to watch me cook topless and that we only get a couple evenings out of the week where we can really cut loose in the house. I felt bad and agreed so I took my top off. But I really didn't want to. That was one thing, but later in the evening, we made love and he was pretty rough. As we were making love, he told me he didn't want me to say No about it again, especially when we don't have the kids. He even added that he wanted me to greet him at the door topless when we don't have the kids. It seems like he might start demanding more and more.

I feel bad because up until this point, I have gone along with all his kinky ways and enjoyed them. He has opened up my eyes to new things and I have and still do enjoy doing these things with him. But I guess that night, I just wasnt in the mood and then for him to hold my breasts so tight like that and demand I not say No to showing them off made me feel funny.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:52pm
If you felt uncomfortable, or "funny" then he crossed the line. Tell him how you feel when you're not having sex or about to. Don't lie either. Tell him exactly the way you said it here. He needs to understand that forcing someone to do something they don't want to is abuse...however, subtle it may seem. You're not a toy, you have emotions and feelings. If he loves you, cares about you and respects you, he should at least heed to your needs as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:12pm
Dear Tiana,

He's living out a fantasy here...this is a common one. It's sort of a love slave thing, and that's fine (power thing during sex was also part of the fantasy). As others here have said, you need to tell him CLEARLY that you do not always want to play this game. Having said that, some of the excitement of the "sex slave/power" fantasy is you resisting somewhat. Come up with some code or something that tells him that you are "really" not up for this (just like bondage games, a 'safe' word), because if you just resist a bit, he is going to use that energy to propel him into the fantasy (he was probably excited by your initial resistance, and then compliance). Talk to him when you are NOT in the middle of the fantasy...maybe after the kids go to bed or some time that is comfortable and private. Let him know that you enjoy that game, but you need to be able to say no and not have it be a big deal. Tell him that his roughness and demand for you not to say no, was NOT fun, it was scary. Even in the midst of a fantasy like this, part of you and part of him need to know that it's just a game and not real. You were frightened because you didn't know if it was real or not...I don't blame you at all. It's sexy and exciting to get tied up and have sex in play, but would be scary if you believed that your partner would not let you go. It's fun to pretend to be a sex slave, but being a REAL sex slave would be horror beyond what most of us could imagine.

Fantasies are a great way to play and to keep things fresh, but if both parties are not having fun it's time to find another fantasy.

Peace and Love,

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:20pm
Exactly. I love doing things for him in this manner, but sometimes I'm just not in that type of mood. And meeting him at the door topless too? I love to do those types of things, but when I want to surprise him and it's my idea, not because he is expecting it and I'd better do it. What was that? Kinda scared me and I'm still bothered by it. He's done some other things that I've, again, eagerly gone for, but now, sometimes I see a different side to him. We entertain some of his associates from time to time at our house and we also go to dinner functions with them. He always has me wear the lowest cut dresses I have. Always wants me to "show them off" is what he says. I love my husband dearly, but I think he may have a little too much fetish ways for me, especially with breasts. He's always making sure my breasts are shown off perfectly and obvious. It does not make too many brownie points with the other wives and their husbands eyeballs are always popping out. It's embarrasing. Can Viagra make a man more into fetish ways?

On the flip side, my husband can never even wait to get us home before attacking me which is pretty fun. There are no problems with his sex drive at least!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:38pm
Thank you. You hit it perfectly. We do play out his fantasies and often. And I've eagerly joined in, you know? So I think he feels all of sudden, I'm not interested in doing these things any more. And that's not true. So I will sit with him and talk to him. I have to admit, I have been very compliant to all his requests and most I have enjoyed. We have rough sex fairly often, but that's not a problem. (We have nice, soft sex as well). It was when he grabbed both breasts so tightly like that and shook them a little while telling me he didn't want to hear "No" again from ---- (he has a name for them). this is so embarrasing. Thanks for letting me talk this out. I'm going to say No to greeting him at the door topless for now too. (Unless I want to).
Avatar for leticiaf
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:51pm
I know this will sound mean, but are you always such a door mat? I have read through this thread, and it seems very clear he's not respecting you. He repeatedly has you do things you aren't comfortable with. Learn how to say no and mean it.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 4:06pm
I don't feel like a doormat. I love my husbands' ways, it's just lately, he seems to be taking things a little too far sometimes. He takes care of me very well, but he does expect for me to take care of him too. He probably is worried that by my saying No that I'll turn into his first wife who stopped having sex with him altogether. (For different reasons - they grew apart mainly). I am very giving to him and he is to me as well. Before we got married and when we first met, he told me how he wanted a sayso in his sex life. He didn't have that with his first wife and he went without for a long time. It probably has made him the way he is. For being 55, he is super horny and into all kinds of fantasy's. Some we decide never to do again and others we practice regularly. The topless cooking and dining is a regular. It's okay. It's exciting to me, but he feels like he's in control having me topless. It's weird. Maybe part of the problem is me, enjoying being dominated, I don't know sometimes.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 5:04pm
You're the one who used the term "abuse" here. So, if that's what it feels like,then that's what it's beginning to be!

But IF you continue to give in each time, then he will believe that you really enjoy doing it as much as he does. IF you allow him to pressure you or use anger to manipulate you, then that will also become part of the pattern.

I think you need to speak up and let him deal with his disappointment like a big boy. He'll get over it.

BTW, what does he do while all this is going on? Just stare at your breasts?






Edited 5/7/2004 5:10 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 5:25pm
Hi. Yes the other night felt a little abusive. It was the way I was feeling that evening too. I really wasn't in the mood. I agree with you, I will speak up more and tell him he hurt me emotionally and physically the other evening.

Well, he does keep his eye on me cooking topless, that's for sure. Sometimes he's just reading the paper and looks over at me, other times, he comes up from behind while I'm doing something and fondles me, sometimes he takes the rest of my clothes off and dresses me in a white lace apron, we taste the cooking together. I mean, it's endless. Keep in mind, this is only twice a week when we don't have any kids there.

Most times, I love it and look forward to his little surprises, but every once in awhile, you know, we all have our days, I guess.




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