Question about possible abuse??
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Question about possible abuse??
| Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:08pm |
Hi. I don't know if this is the right board to ask this question, but thought I'd give it a try. If there is a better board, please let me know. My question is - I feel like I may be being a bit abused, but not sure. This is a little embarrasing, but my husband (when we don't have the kids with us) wants and expects me to cook dinner topless, serve dinner topless and eat dinner topless at the table. In the beginning, I took this as just another one of his little kinky ways and I eagerly joined in. But sometimes I don't want to do this and he is becoming quite demanding about it. I know this is so weird, but I just wanted to here if anyone else has something like this they live with. Am I being silly about this? Should I just do it because obviously he enjoys it and what the heck. I don't hate it. I'm just starting to feel a little abused by it. Any comments would be helpful.

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He has the "right" to ask you to do this, or anything else he wants you to do. But if you say you're not "in the mood", or just don't want to do it, then he'd better accept your decision.
What happens when you say no? Does he get verbally abusive about it? Or does he "punish" you in subtle ways?
There's a big difference between asking for something, and demanding it. Unless you want him to walk all over you, you need to make him understand that he can't ALWAYS have his way. He's using "control" to get what he wants, and that's abusive in my book.
I feel bad because up until this point, I have gone along with all his kinky ways and enjoyed them. He has opened up my eyes to new things and I have and still do enjoy doing these things with him. But I guess that night, I just wasnt in the mood and then for him to hold my breasts so tight like that and demand I not say No to showing them off made me feel funny.
He's living out a fantasy here...this is a common one. It's sort of a love slave thing, and that's fine (power thing during sex was also part of the fantasy). As others here have said, you need to tell him CLEARLY that you do not always want to play this game. Having said that, some of the excitement of the "sex slave/power" fantasy is you resisting somewhat. Come up with some code or something that tells him that you are "really" not up for this (just like bondage games, a 'safe' word), because if you just resist a bit, he is going to use that energy to propel him into the fantasy (he was probably excited by your initial resistance, and then compliance). Talk to him when you are NOT in the middle of the fantasy...maybe after the kids go to bed or some time that is comfortable and private. Let him know that you enjoy that game, but you need to be able to say no and not have it be a big deal. Tell him that his roughness and demand for you not to say no, was NOT fun, it was scary. Even in the midst of a fantasy like this, part of you and part of him need to know that it's just a game and not real. You were frightened because you didn't know if it was real or not...I don't blame you at all. It's sexy and exciting to get tied up and have sex in play, but would be scary if you believed that your partner would not let you go. It's fun to pretend to be a sex slave, but being a REAL sex slave would be horror beyond what most of us could imagine.
Fantasies are a great way to play and to keep things fresh, but if both parties are not having fun it's time to find another fantasy.
Peace and Love,
Scott.
On the flip side, my husband can never even wait to get us home before attacking me which is pretty fun. There are no problems with his sex drive at least!
Leticia
But IF you continue to give in each time, then he will believe that you really enjoy doing it as much as he does. IF you allow him to pressure you or use anger to manipulate you, then that will also become part of the pattern.
I think you need to speak up and let him deal with his disappointment like a big boy. He'll get over it.
BTW, what does he do while all this is going on? Just stare at your breasts?
Edited 5/7/2004 5:10 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Well, he does keep his eye on me cooking topless, that's for sure. Sometimes he's just reading the paper and looks over at me, other times, he comes up from behind while I'm doing something and fondles me, sometimes he takes the rest of my clothes off and dresses me in a white lace apron, we taste the cooking together. I mean, it's endless. Keep in mind, this is only twice a week when we don't have any kids there.
Most times, I love it and look forward to his little surprises, but every once in awhile, you know, we all have our days, I guess.
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