Question about proactvitiy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Question about proactvitiy
13
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 11:09am
Hi, everyone!

I'm a new poster on this board, but have been 'lurking' for some time. I enjoy the conversations here and prefer it over a male-dominated board because, well, I already know what men think. ;-) And altough there is a significant male presence here, topics are generally kept in a helpful and informative tone.

I am posting just now because I have a question. Forgive me if this goes on a bit.

How many of you women, if you never got any requests from your SO, would never (or at least rarely) try something new in the bedroom? I ask because it seems to me that if I left all "proactive innovation" up to my wife, then nothing new or different would ever happen. She and I had a discussion a few months ago concerning my desires to try different things. Her response was, "Concerning things to make you happy, I'm up for just about anything." Since then, I have really only tried some differnt things a few times (gotta give her some space between efforts), but she has been receptive each time. Now, when we had this conversation, I made it pretty clear to her that if there were things she desired, that she should let me know. She has, since then, conveyed nothing to me about any unfulfilled desires.

I'm trying to put this as concise as I can. Even though she is willing to do different things to please me, it is usually only on request; and if it were up to her and her alone, I think our sessions would be always in the bedroom, with little to no foreplay, and 1 of 2 positions.

So, I guess I'm looking for some insight before I talk to her again. Are there any women out there who personally care little about vareity in the bedroon, but at the same time have no problem conceeding to their partner's requests? If so, why is this?

Thanks!

Robert

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 12:15pm
Welcome Robert! Glad you decided to "break out" and post!

I would be totally bored doing the same thing every time. My DH and I both enjoy variety and feel it's a mutual responsibility to keep things interesting in the bedroom. In fact, I'm usually the one who initiates new things, not my DH. Of course, I have the higher sex drive and interest in our marriage, too.

It SOUNDS like, from the description of your wife's behavior, that she isn't getting much from the activity you DO have. Maybe she is but isn't very expressive or she doesn't have much of a drive. Sounds like she's just "doing her duty" as a wife. I feel that because you said that there is usually little or no foreplay and that's VERY important for sexual pleasure and satisfaction to women.

BUT if she was having regular and satisfying orgasms, she would WANT sex and probably would be thinking about all those new possibilities and ideas much more. Just a thought.


Edited 4/27/2004 12:16 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 12:46pm
That is an interesting point you bring up, katmandoo. Sometimes is just takes sitting down and formalizing your thoughts for things to begin to become clear. I have honestly never asked my wife if she has had an orgasm. Sometimes, when I am taking a little too long and it is a particulary good day for her, she prompts me to 'hurry up' because she claims it is getting a little too 'intense'. My bad, I thought that was the point. To add to the confusion, she says that she would find it 'unusual' to orgasm through oral sex alone. She claims to enjoy receiving as much as I enjoy recieving, but I think I disagree with that. I guess, for one, it would be in my best interest to make it a point to cause her to have an orgasm through oral alone. I do pleasure her orally a lot (probably more than she reciprocates), but never have attempted to do it till completion. She just always seemed more eager for me to penetrate her. I mean, I never get the intensity of response from oral as I do from penetration. Perhaps I am doing something wrong--oh, boy. If anyone else has any other ideas or suggestions, I am certainly open to them. Thanks!
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:02pm
I think you need to TELL her that you want her to enjoy sex, to orgasm, as much as you do and ask her HOW to make that happen. She probably thinks her pleasure is secondary to you. I'm fairly certain she can tell you, as most women DO masturbate privately. She may be shy or embarrassed to be very open at first, but with your encouragement and interest, she will learn to let go of all that. And most women require continued, direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse, so if she becomes aroused that way, then that manual stimulation needs to continue or her arousal level will drop.

You might try visiting www.the-clitoris.com for more information and by all means, TALK with your wife. We can offer opinions and ideas, but the real information will come from the "horses' mouth!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:15pm
~~I do pleasure her orally a lot (probably more than she reciprocates), but never have attempted to do it till completion. She just always seemed more eager for me to penetrate her. I mean, I never get the intensity of response from oral as I do from penetration. Perhaps I am doing something wrong--oh, boy. If anyone else has any other ideas or suggestions, I am certainly open to them. Thanks!~~

Maybe its just getting too intense for her, or maybe she wants to be filled while she orgasms. Both of these are true for me. If he concentrates on my Clit too much with oral it gets too intense (intense really isn't the word but less enjoyable, my dh describes this as a tickle if that helps). Also an orgasm is much more enjoyable for me if he is in me.

RSRosey

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:52pm
RSRosey ,

Thanks for your response, but I want to clarify something that perhaps I mis-stated, judging from what you said. When I said she claims it is too intense, I am speaking about when I am inside her, not when I am pleasuring her orally. She has never told me it was too intense orally. Thanks!

Robert
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 3:21pm
~~RSRosey ,

Thanks for your response, but I want to clarify something that perhaps I mis-stated, judging from what you said. When I said she claims it is too intense, I am speaking about when I am inside her, not when I am pleasuring her orally. She has never told me it was too intense orally. Thanks!

Robert~~

Oh I see, could still be the same kind of deal though...too much clitoral stimulation? I don't know.

RSRosey

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 4:02pm
Rather than just using oral pleasure as foreplay and going immediately to intercourse, why not allow her to orgasm that way first? As you said, she never says that THAT stimulation is too intense, does she? There is almost no direct clitoral stimulation from intercourse, unless you position yourself so that she can rub against either your pubic bone or shaft.

It may be that she isn't ever allowed to orgasm, and she dries out when her arousal level falls during intercourse and she begins experiencing pain from the thrusting, hence the "intensity" she referred to.

Please understand, I'm not placing blame on you for her seeming lack of interest, since she IS a grown woman and you aren't a mind reader! She needs to be more open about her needs and desires but you also need to make her feel comfortable enough to DO that. And you really need to express concern about her pleasure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 4:26pm
Oh, don't worry. I'm not taking offense to any of this. I wouldn't have posted here if I wasn't prepared to take some criticism (intended or not). Sometimes that's the only way to see the light. I think that part of it is I have always been with women that were significantly less experienced. I've never been with someone who has "taught me a thing or two" or someone whom I haven't had to coax information out of. And while I don't mind playing the teacher as often as I do, it would be nice to get a suprise now and again.

And even though I am very open-minded and well aware of my own short-comings I still fear a negative response to the question, "Are you satisfied with our sex life?" But, it is a roadblock that must be overcome. Thanks for everyone's input!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 12:55am
Robert, I'd just like to comment on a few things that you said in your first and subsequent posts. As for her initiating new things.....isn't it possible that she just doesn't have the "vivid" imagination that it would take to think up new things? She could have led a very sheltered life, and have NO idea what some people do on a regular basis. Have you ever tried to "educate" her about new things....like maybe a soft porn video? Or erotic reading material? It's also possible that like many women, she's just "shy" about initiating something new and/or different, for fear she'll shock you, or you'll think less of her?

Something else you said.....that you assumed she likes intercourse because that's what YOU like. That's something that many men take for granted. Young boys dream of getting into that vagina.....it's their main goal in life. But, the vagina isn't really the main sexual organ for a woman. It's the clitoris! The vagina has little or no feeling inside, except for the "g" spot. MOST women like intercourse, but it's more of an emotional thing, and the majority of women don't have orgasms from intercourse alone, they need clitoral stimulation at the same time, because the clitoris is where the feelings and sensations originate. The clitoris is basically the same as the man's penis, and possibly even MORE sensitive.

One last thing, you said perhaps you should continue oral until you cause her to have an orgasm. Unfortunately, that's something you can't do, cause her to have an orgasm. She has to learn how to have them, and learn how to allow them to happen. You can HELP her have them, and certainly for most of us, oral stimulation is what gets us there, but if she doesn't know how, you'll never MAKE it happen.

Katmandoo suggested www.the-clitoris.com and I think it would help if BOTH of you checked it out. It might give HER some ideas, too. In the meantime, don't complain about having to initiate new things, because you say she's perfectly willing to go along with whatever you suggest. There are plenty of women out there who wouldn't go along with anything new, much to their loss, but nevertheless, they won't try new things.

You said you don't mind "teaching", and she seems like a very willing pupil. Eventually, maybe she will learn to initiate, but in the meantime, enjoy her cooperation!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 1:32pm
I appreciate everyone's responses, but need to make a clarification. I was kind of unspecific when I said that my SO is never the one that comes with new ideas to the bedroom. If she never wants to be the source of new ideas, I actually have no problem with that...I've got plenty!!! However, after I present a new idea and she goes along with it, if I ever want to do it again, I have to mention/request it...*again*. Every single time!(there are exceptions, but this is the rule). That's what really bothers me. I guess it is because of the conflicting signals I get from this activity. Part of me feels we are both enjoying it because she agreed to the request. On the other hand, I fell that if she really enjoyed it, I would not have to request it every time it happens. Make sense?

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