Question : about sex with a new guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Question : about sex with a new guy?
11
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:30pm


How soon is too soon to have sex with my new "unoffical" but almost

new boyfriend? We really click and can talk about anything. He's so

sweet and resposible. And he's a really family orientened man. He's

very close to his brother and nephew. Not that , that matters. But,

I am wondering how soon is too soon to have sex with a new boyfriend?

Espically, since we've both just kind of have gotten out of a relationship.

Should we take it slow? But, what if we get caught up "in the moment".

I want him to like me and I want it to work out. Any suggestions??? Since,

he helps take care of his nephew. Do you think this means he won't have sex

for awhile? Yes, I admit I want to with him. But, I also, want to have a

good relationship that will last with him.. I'm confused... I really like

him. But, I'm not used to being with a good man like him.. My last couple

of boyfriends. We're rushed relationships. Meaning: we jumped right into

having sex and of course it didn't work out...

I guess my question is. How do I let him know that I'm way into him without

scaring him away?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:43pm
Well Angel, i bet you're going to get a lot of this, but...there's no rules about when's too soon. it's going to be up to you.

I think depending on your age and situation there are a lot of different ways to look at it. For example, do you know if he's seeing anyone else? Would that make a difference to you? Do you know about his sexual past (for health reasons)? Would that make a differnce to you? How recent were both your breakups? Are you worried this could be rebound? How long have you been 'dating'? How well do you know him?

I have to say that with my current BF, i basically wanted to jump him on the table on our second date, but i restrained myself (thank goodness for the other people at the restaurant ! haha). For me it was very important to know that he wasn't dating other people too, and until i felt comfortable telling him that I wasn't going to have sex with him. And for him, it was very important we first talk about our sexual health/pasts...so we ended up waiting a bit, and it was SOOO worth it...and SOO the right thing for us!

There are certainly MANY successful relationships that began with sex on the first date, so there's NO rules...but esp coming out of relationships, I say waiting a bit canNOT hurt. And i doubt, if he's such a quality guy (congrats on finding one by the way)- that your sleeping with him or not won't at all tell him whether you like him. Just enjoy your time together and whatever foolin around you DO, enjoy getting to know him. the Sex will come when it's supposed to...that's the BEST way to start off a new situation in my opnion!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:49pm
Hon, you're rambling all over the place, and most of what you're saying doesn't make a lot of sense. There's no "official" time to have sex.....it's whenever it happens.

New, "unofficial" but "almost" boyfriend....in other words, you just met him. So, what's the rush? You can let someone know you like them without having sex with them. In fact, these days, sex is just a recreational sport for many people, and it has nothing to do with "liking" the person.

I don't understand what his taking care of his nephew has to do with ANYTHING, unless he's doing that 24/7. A person who baby-sits, or care takes in any way isn't necessarily a "good person" either. I'm not saying he's NOT a good person, but just the fact that he takes care of the boy means nothing.

Maybe it's just too soon to be "way into him". If he's as great as you think he is, then take your time, and get to know each other. Having sex isn't going to prove anything to him, other than you're willing to have sex. Your prior experience has been to have sex too soon, so LEARN from that, and take your time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 3:55pm
I agree with the others, angelblue.

Just my own added two cents here, don't try to construct a trustworthy timetable of when it would be better to start having sex with someone. Each person is different and therefore makes each different relationship too unique.

Each couple likely has different values and needs and expectations than others do. When you feel ready, then opening the lines of communication to discuss it with him would be the first choice to make in my old fashioned opinion. Mrs. Para & I actually knew each other for quite a long time before we first did it, but when we finally did do it, it just happened...no plan, no discussion...just happened.

As stated, congrats on having a good guy. :)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 4:43pm
Just spending time with him lets him know that you are *way into him.* Why ruin a great thing by rushing into sex? Besides, the better you get to know each other, the better the first time sex will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 4:47pm
good point seaglass!!

waiting with my BF (and not giving in on date 2 and 3 like we both obviously wanted) certainly meant the first time was SUPER memorable!! i'm REALLY glad i waited!

a friends mom said to me once (about marraige, not about sex, but the comment relates)-

you way more often hear a couple say 'we got married too soon'- you almost never hear a couple say 'we waited too long to get married'

the same could be said for sex!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 5:15pm


I guess that I should add that I'm 23 and he's 21. And we both

work together. So, we take breaks together and talk. As far as

I know. He's not dating anyone else. He told me that he just

broke up with his girlfriend awhile ago. And even told me that

he went to get his cd's and stuff from her. And ended up in a

fight with her new boyfriend. So, I don't know if that means that

he's not over her or what.

But, he never mentions other girls or anything. And he always hugs

me when I leave to go home after break. He even gave me a kiss on

the cheek. He's really shy. But, he likes talking to me one on one.

And he even told me where he lives. But, I've had trouble finding

his house. I don't know. I guess that as a post said. I'm not used

to a slow moving relationship. I've always jumped into a relationship

and got hurt. I've been out of my relationship for three months. And

he's just been out of his for about a month or so.

Note: I was supposed to get married to the man I was with last and I

was the one that ended things. Not the other way around. And my BIG

problem is sometimes I find myself driving past my ex's house. I even

talked to him one day. B/c he called me and he never called me back.

He said that he just wanted to say hi. But, when I was talking to him

I noticed a ring on his finger. Which he said it was just his papaws

wedding ring that he didn't want to lose. Anyways, that's another story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 12:15am
I said it earlier, and everyone else has said it.......DON'T rush this thing. You are BOTH on the rebound, and a persons natural tendency is to jump right into another relationship just to prove to themselves that they CAN. Whether or not he's "over" his situation, who knows, but you're definitely NOT over your ex. You broke up with him, but you still call him, look for him, question his jewelry, etc. If you wanted it to be over, then you wouldn't be checking up on him.

As for this other guy, why are you looking for his house? What will that prove? You know he lives somewhere, so why would you care where, unless he's invited you there. You are reading a lot into his behavior.....so you take breaks together, and he kissed you on the cheek. Has he EVER asked you out, or asked you to "hang out" with him after work? I'm thinking this "almost/soon to be" boyfriend might be just wishful thinking on your part. Also, it's really not a good thing to have a relationship with a co-worker. That can cause a lot of problems. What happens if it doesn't work out? You still have to work with him every day! Some companies actually forbid it!

Whatever the case, SLOW DOWN, and see what happens. He's lonely because he just broke up, but that doesn't mean he's ready to jump into another relationship, he might just be looking for a shoulder to cry on, and that is NOT a basis for forming a relationship. I think you have a LONG way to go before you start worrying about sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 11:54am


Uh. yeah he has asked me out a bunch of times. And we hang

out quite a bit. I don't appericate being talked down to.

In your advice , you sounded quite snotty. And in my company

we can date, just as long as it's not upper management.

No, I'm not over my ex. How can I be when we were engaged.

And besides, who is really over they're ex's anyway.

I just came here for some advice. Looks like I won't be back

for awhile. I've had lasting relationships. I just wanted

some outside insights. Not, someone who wants to down me.

And so what if we just got , out of a relationship. I don't

care even if we're just really good friends. So, I'm leaving

now. I wasn't happy with some of my replies.. Besides, I'm

capable of making my own decisions. And me and my ex are still

friends. Thank you very much. And I never said I call my ex. I

said HE calls me and checks on me...... You all should really

think about what you say. I won't be back to this site.... You

really sounded cruel.

And p.s. If I want to have sex with him I will. It's not anybody's

buisness.... So, long.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 5:38pm
Oh well. You can't please all the people all the time.... you ol' teabag, you! ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 8:28pm
You are the one who came here asking for advice in the first place, and when advice is given, you rebound with: "If I want to have sex with him I will. It's not anybody's business..." greenteabag isn't being rude, she is just telling you like it is. Don't shoot the messenger!

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