Question on Communication
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Question on Communication
| Mon, 11-01-2004 - 7:57am |
From being on these sex boards, it seems like communication with your partner about sexual needs is a problem with many people.


Edited 8/26/2008 6:08 pm ET by inacolada
I'm sorry your ex hurt and embarrassed you like that and I can certainly understand why you have a hard time communicating.
She had a very conservative upbringing. While she was no stranger to sex and the mechanics of it (you learn about sex early with a farming and equestrian background), she had not had many partners and some not very good experiences with a couple of them either. Consequently she can be fairly sensitive about some issues.
I find that sometimes I have to be careful about how I word some requests or questions to avoid a bad reaction. I hate to embarrass her and some things can embarrass her or make her question herself and her abilities or behaviour in bed. Over time she has become a lot more assertive and confident in bed.
For example, discussing hygiene is always tricky. It took a while for me to explain that when I go down on someone I like them to have very recently showered or washed. That's one of my things - I need very recently washed to feel comfortable. Conveying that without implying that somehow their own hygiene was lacking was not as easy as it might first appear.
Another example, something that comes to mind: I like using vibrators in the bedroom and have always used them with past partners so I'm very comfortable with that. When I first bought her a vibrator as a 'surprise' present she freaked out and make it very clear that she wanted me to forget about her using it. I put it in the bedside cabinet and left it there.
We got talking months later after dinner out with friends and a couple of glasses of wine. One of the women at dinner had blurted out something about a blue dolphin vibrator with rotating pearls when one of the guys had made a dirty joke - the way she said it made it obvious that she had had firsthand experience with said vibrator.
I delicately raised the issue again at home. Turned out that my partner hadn't considered using the vibrator together and had thought that I had bought it for her to use solo. Some what intrigued now and slightly tipsy, we got it out and played with it in front of the TV for a while. It was put away again. Several weeks later during sex she suggested that I retrieve it and we could try it out. After we had finished, she turned to me and breathlessly said "Why have we never used that before?"
If I had pulled a vibrator out during sex and suggested we used it there and then I would have probably scared the living daylights out of her and we would NEVER have used it.
Sometimes it can be difficult to talk about things that seem quite simple and inoffensive.
However. There are some lovers who are not open to suggestions. I'm having trouble explaining it....it's like they present with some type of authority. You have this instinct from the first time you sleep with them that they're not going to be happy being guided. Some have fixed ideas of what sex 'should be like' and some just don't care. But either way, they have this unspoken barrier regarding communication that is not to be crossed. Does this make sense? I don't know how well I'm describing it....perhaps it's a body language thing.
Anyway, I've been around enough men to know that this type of guy is not someone that I'd want a sexual relationship with. But women who encounter this type early on in their sex lives may not realise that this attitude is not acceptable. Now, if a pushy Aisha type can't cross their barrier...what hope has a less pushy woman got? And if she knows no better.....
Perhaps when women write with these issues, instead of saying "just tell him what you need" - we should be looking at the dynamics of the relationship. ie; is he open to suggestions?
http://magazines.ivillage.com/redbook/sex/happy/articles/0,,284445_289186-3,00.html?arrivalSA=1&cobrandRef=0&arrival_freqCap=1&pba=adid=11892242
Breakable Rule #2: Tell Each Other What You Want in Bed
This isn't just a rule, it's a commandment: Tell him what you want in bed. Show him what you want. After all, it's the 21st century, and you have a right to a fabulous sex life!
Yes, you do. And communication is certainly important. But playing show-and-tell every time you crawl between the sheets is probably not the best thing for a long-term relationship.
"The assumption that happy couples show and tell implies that technique is everything," says Sue Simring. "But while it's fundamental that you tell your partner how you like to be touched, not every encounter in a long-term relationship has to be a mindblower." Mind-blowing sex takes effort -- and in real life, there are times when one partner or the other needs the freedom to coast.
"Sure, I've heard that you're supposed to tell each other what you want in bed," says Regina Pearson, 35, an assistant bank manager from Modesto, California. "But you have to consider each other's mood. If my husband has had a bad day, I focus on what he wants and needs. If I need a pick-me-up, we do things more my way. We're in this for the long run, and it evens out over time."
Even "Dr. Ruth" Westheimer, who earned her fame and fortune urging couples to communicate, acknowledges that there are situations in which it is best not to tell your partner what you would really like -- especially if you know that your request is going to result in more problems than pleasure.
"For example," says Westheimer, "if a woman knows that her husband really does not like to perform oral sex, why keep asking over and over?"
Communication can be a double-edged sword, especially when there are unresolved issues in a marriage.
"Sometimes," says New Couple coauthor Maurice Taylor, "people use honesty as an excuse for being downright mean, when they have anger they haven't expressed in a healthier way. In the name of honesty, many people share sexual fantasies or requests that they know are really going to be upsetting or hurtful to their partner." You may, in other words, be going to bed angry without admitting it to yourself (see Rule #1) -- in which case you need to figure out what you're really telling each other in bed.
I know what you mean. I find that often it's not even a question of authority. You've started talking about something and you begin to get the distinct feeling that they are shutting down and rejecting what you are saying. Some people just don't feel comfortable talking about penises and vaginas and "put your finger there and move it like that." no matter how delicately you approach the subject.
Yes, it is silly. But I can certainly relate to many of the posters that are confused about what their partner may or may not be thinking or feeling.
Being able to talk, really talk, requires a combination of pigheadedness and tact. Pigheadedness to keep going when you start to feel the bad vibes, and tact to figure out how to best talk about it and how best to keep your partner talking.