questions about porn and relationships
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| Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:44pm |
first, some background. my fiance and i have been together for a little over 3 years. we are getting married september 2nd. i am currently about 4 months pregnant. never in our relationship have we had a problem with sex. throughout our relationship though, i have noticed the occasional porno dvd in his top drawer or left in the dvd player. it was never a big deal to me because our sex life is healthy. so, i would find them, and depending on my mood, i would either just shut the drawer and move on, or leave it out, so he knew i found it.
recently, i've noticed him looking at porn on the internet occasionally and, i'll admit, it bothered me a little, expecially because i'm pregnant and we're not having as much sex as we used to. but after talking with other ladies, decided, you cant change men and as long as it doesnt become an every day thing, its not a big deal.
so...moving on...at my 12 week visit to the dr. they did an ultrasound and found an issue with the placenta that resulted in a "no intercourse" doctors order. this is where it gets interesting. for as long as i've known my fiance, he favored intercourse above all else. while he enjoyed the occasional touching and kissing down there, he always went back to good old fashioned sex and told me many times thats what he preffered. so now that we are forced to explore other options other than sex, we have not been distant, but he is not exactly into doing any of the "other things". i would start out playing with him and giving a blow job, and he likes it, but will always roll me over on my back and beg to put it in, just a little. he doesnt like to finish any other way but inside me.
i guess my main question really is why does he enjoy watching porno that we all know is messy and dirty and all about those "other things" and then when it comes to us, he really only wants to have sex? is it a good thing, a bad thing or neither? i don't know how i should feel.

I am a woman and i've been with my bf for over 4 years (we live together) and I do enjoy watching porn occasionally... couple times a week. And i know he looks at porn too. Our sex life is healthy and sometimes we enjoy looking at porn together!
Don't take it personally, you should ask him sometime what is it that he's looking at, you're just curious.
Hope you'll get over it, it's really... nothing!
I agree! Don't make it more important than it really is. Besides, you're confusing two issues here. He likes porn. NOT the end of the world. Lots of guys do. And as long as it doesn't interfere with your sex life, and he doesn't totally ignore you to stay up all night looking at porn...it's not a big deal. He might have switched to the computer becuase some of it is free, as opposed to buying DVD's. You two have more important places for your money now. Porn isn't a replacement for you. He's not comparing you to them, he's not wishing he was with them......he's just looking. Men are visual, moreso than women. Women can use their imagination much better than men can.
That's the porn issue, and as the other poster said, you ought to let him know you'd like to see what he's looking at, you never know, you might like it too!
Now, the OTHER issue is the fact that he likes intercourse better than anything else. I think MOST guys do......however, they realize that their partner might have other things they like, and they'll do whatever it takes to make their partner happy. Most of us do various things, and I think it's pretty common for it to end with intercourse.
Right now, you have a MEDICAL BAN on intercourse, and it's not even an issue of what YOU like, but it's an issue of the baby's health and safety, and for him to whine and try to wheedle you into doing it is SELFISH and totally immature! Big baby can't have what he likes! That's TOO BAD! Sometimes life sucks! He needs to get OVER it....or you need to look at him and re-think the marriage. What will he do if you ever get sick, and sex is out of the question? He likes intercourse, GREAT....he can't HAVE intercourse, and he needs to start acting like a mature man, and DEAL with it! He's told you many times that is what he prefers.....has he ever asked you what YOU prefer?
It sounds like you're doing your best to accomodate him. It honestly doesn't sound like he cares much about what YOU want (before the pregnancy) and he sure isn't concerned with the baby you're carrying! Does he think the doctor is making a JOKE? You need to have a talk with him.
You'll have to ask your Fiance' why he prefers intercourse to anything else. He's the only one who can answer that question BUT if you aren't getting what you need in the way of oral or manual stimulation, then by all means, ASK for it!
But I have to disagree that you should just ignore the internet porn. IF it bothers you, then it's definitely worth talking about. Whatever it is.
And you're planning to marry this man so you should be able to discuss any and EVERYTHING that could potentially cause problems in the future so that a compromise or understanding can be reached BEFORE you marry.
With the porn addiction pandemic raging, according to all the surveys and studies, it's just smart to know what you're dealing with before you walk down the aisle. And that's not to say that your guy IS addicted, by any means, just that for some men, an occasional look CAN turn into a problem very quickly.
Being informed about one another and being on the same page as much as possible BEFORE you commit to someone is just wise, IMO.
Edited 7/18/2006 5:42 pm ET by katmandoo2001
As far as the main question goes, he's the best one to answer that question. Personally I enjoy watching a bit of porn here and there but there are always parts of the movie that I won't like or prefer more than other things.
For example, I don't like anal sex and will fast forward those bits, I don't like intercourse that is really rough with the woman contorted into uncomfortable positions. It might be the same with your guy - he's not interested in everything that the porn has to offer and picks and chooses the bits that he watches. Perhaps he still prefers to watch the intercourse over everything else just like he does in real life? Then again, although he prefers intercourse when he's with you, he might find some of the other things stimulating when he's only watching them?
As far as not being allowed intercourse due to Doctor's orders? He's just going to have to get over that and get with the program. I must admit that I'm a little surprised that he's not being as sensible as he should be and is still trying to have intercourse with you. The Doctor wasn't playing some silly game when s/he said that you shouldn't have intercourse. So whether he likes it or not he has to realise that if he wants sexual release it's NOT going to be from intercourse for the time being. Most guys enjoy the "other" things and the "other" things like oral sex for both partners and manual sex like handjobs are usually intergral parts of many couples sex lives anyway. He's just going to have to get used to it or find another way (like masturbating to some porn) to get himself some release.
>>recently, i've noticed him looking at porn on the internet occasionally and, i'll admit, it bothered me a little, expecially because i'm pregnant and we're not having as much sex as we used to.<<
A lot of the stuff on the internet is free and easy to get. If you're not having sex, his sex drive won't have reduced so I'd suspect that he's just using the internet porn as a substitute to "fill the gap" - and it's some interesting variety compared to his videos. I don't think that there is anything wrong with moderate porn use, but if it does start to affect things, the relationship, or make you feel uneasy then it is definitely something to keep an eye on. If you talk to him in a non-threatening and "intrigued" manner he may be more open about his "private" porn use and masturbation habits and you will be able to judge for yourself how you feel about it and consider your options if it is something that is making you feel uncomfortable. Then again, you may not want to hear about what he looks at and how often he does - so that's something to think about too.
Oh, Oh, Oh. Please TALK with your fiance! I realize asking for input from other people on a confusing issue, but you really need to talk with him. Now.
Porn is not anything to be ashamed of. Yes, there are many types/degrees of pornographic material and to each his/her own comfort level. It's like an acquired taste for many I think. You can't say that you don't like it until you've given yourself the chance to take a gander at it. Sometimes it's that simple.
But your physical condition (and you do need to take care for yourself on that one) negates what you're use to experiencing with your fiance on an intimate level. So TALK with him. Get curious. Ask him what he'd like to do/try/experiment with because intimacy is so healthy and important in a relationship. You can still enjoy SEX, even without the intercourse. HE can still enjoy sex (and will probably come up with many ideas if you give him the opportunity) without the intercourse.
Sex for most men begins/ends with the body. Sex for most women begins in your head and then rolls on down over your body. We're just made differently than them. So talk to him. Porno doesn't have to be messy and dirty, it can be erotic and enjoyable and fun and SAFE. You're level of comfort is as important as his, so TALK TO HIM. Then go have some fun girl!