Questions about porn usage….
Find a Conversation
Questions about porn usage….
| Tue, 03-27-2007 - 1:06pm |
Why does a man go to the internet for pics and vids to fantasize when he got a woman willing and able to do a lot of things in the vids? Especially when that woman has been asking him to be more aggressive or dominate in the bedroom anyways..
I am not against porn; it can be a healthy part of any sex life. However when the man is saving pics (non porn) of girls to fantasize with I am inclined to wonder what it is about me that not good enough to do those things with.
I need some clarity and advice here.

Pages
Hello again. I'm replying with my new CL name and hat, but I am also Hunt4o....
If your guy is admitting that he can't stop, then he may be having a problem; however, from what you are mentioning about your sex life, it doesn't seem that he is choosing porn over you. It may be that he simply has a fascination with collecting these things -- just like people who are into hobbies. Some people are just collectors.
As far as secrets and lies....that is fairly common, especially if a guy feels that his SO is going to object, criticize or judge. While you may not be objecting on the overall scheme of things, you are voicing some sort of disapproval, so he feels like he needs to lie or hide this to avoid confrontation. Even people who collect ordinary day-to-day things may lie about it if they feel they have gone overboard. I'm not saying that's right, I'm just saying it can happen. Also, you mention that he doesn't even know how much he has. First, for some porn, it must be downloaded before he can look at it. Second, it takes a long time to look up stuff, so saving it to the computer makes it more easily available. Third, if he is collecting for the sake of collecting, he will probably grab as much as he can with plans to look at it later.
Each person is motivated differently. I think you have a very valid point in wanting to spice up the activity in your bedroom, and seeing him with spicier pictures is making you wonder why he isn't sharing that with you. I think that is something you can discuss with him without making it about porn. If you start the conversation or try to compare what you are asking for to what he is collecting in porn, then it's very likely that he is going to shut down during the conversation.
It is usually easier to address one thing at a time. I would recommend that you work on getting him interested in more in the bedroom. While you don't want to be more aggressive there, sometimes you need to get the ball rolling. Once that part of your relationship starts taking a different shape, then you can probably relax and let him know that you want him to be the dominate partner. You can also get a few props ready and invite him in to play, it doesn't have to be a huge step all at once, but you will be sending him a message.
Once you get things spicier in the bedroom, if you still feel uncomfortable with his porn collection, then you can revisit that topic.
You know, my wife lusts after Isaac Hayes. She's a sucker for a built black man with a shaved head. So occasionally, she'll check out a porn flick, site, or even a magazine spread that features men who fit this mold. She's gone through a more than a few batteries and bottles of lube over the years enjoying this fantasy.
On the other hand, I'm a balding redheaded Jew whose physique gives testimony to the fact that I like drinking beer more than I like working out at the gym.
Should I be threatened?
Of course not. For nearly 20 years, I've been the one that she has sex with, sleeps with, eats with, raises kids with, makes financial plans with, spends time with, watches TV with, goes out to romantic dinners with, shares her troubles with, shares her successes with, talks over big decisions with, cooks with, etc, etc, etc. We share things that no passing fantasy can ever match. Unless one of these muscled hunks is ready to show up and put in the things she needs for the other 23 1/2 hours a day, then they're no threat to me at all.
Similarly, she's not threatened by my fantasies or occasional ventures into porn. Like imagining what it'd be like to win the lottery, these are just idle entertainments we enjoy. They don't interfere with reality.
--
martinisnsushi - living the good life since 1963
--
martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!
>>If he's not ignoring you, but he's also not as agressive as you'd like him to be, then maybe he has some hangups about sex,<<
I haven't read the other responses to this topic, but I just thought that I'd point out that it might not be a matter of hangups, his sexual "style" or "personality" may simply not be very aggressive or assertive. Not everyone is or could be a go-getter, aggressive type in the bedroom.
I suspect that he can't do the things that he says that he wants because you are in his real life. Sometimes desires in a fantasy world just aren't something that you can bring yourself to act out. Sometimes there are very valid reasons for that (for example, telling the boss exactly what I'd like to tell him would have a fairly negative consequence for me). Other times there are no good reasons holding you back except for those mentally reservations that you have (for example, he'll feel silly and self-conscious acting out his fantasises for real with anyone).
It sounds like the picture collecting is more obsessive and more unusual than normal. Porn is one thing, non-porn pictures of women is a bit more unusual. Maybe counselling would be the next step?
Pages