Really shy, and unsure-please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Really shy, and unsure-please help
19
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 1:03pm

Hi Everyone.

I hope this isn't going to sound strange, but sometimes I am really embarrassed to have sex.
Reasons being because #1- I am verrrry shy, (my boyfriend is too, but not when it comes this)- #2 i don't know many things when it comes to sex- i am inexperienced. Right now he is really happy with me and even likes that i am shy. I wish I wasn't but i am. i am afraid he will get bored with me- he wants me to "suck" but I have never and I don't know what to do. i am really embarrassed.

Don't get me wrong, I like sex- but he just can't keep his hands off everytime i see him. it could be due to the fact that we only really see each other on the weekend because of both our work schedules. We do a lot of things- going out, have fun, dinner everything but the sex if any is only 1x a week. Is that too little for a guy? I am fine with it. i am really attracted to him (in every way), but i can control myself, why can't he? he respects if i don't want to do it- he's fine and we do other things-(we go out)but he said what's wrong if we do it every weekend? i told him i wish we could spend more time together so he wants me to stay the whole weekend with him many times, but i live at home (I am 26) and my mom is very protective of me and since it's only been only almost 2 months.- she says wait awhile until we spend the weekend together.
Since the time we spend is mainly on the weekend, and sometimes a half hour at most during the week do you feel that it's okay to have sex even though we don't see each other more? I feel unsure-i want to but, i dont also- What's wrong with me? Am i being "a prude?"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 11:04am

Hi, thanks for your kind advice. My dad passed away when i was an infant. My mom has never remarried and has been in a few relationships, but one was really bad. and that was the last relationship she had.
She tells me she just wants me to know that making love is something special and i have to be really sure about it and do not rush things because anything can change. Her main concern is that she doesn't want me to get hurt and she says i am naive- granted, i have not had a lot of experience with relationships, and this is my first REAL relationship, as in she sees how serious i am about this guy, and how much we enjoy being with each other. She just wants to make sure my future is secure. i feel i always need to please everyone, especially my mom, and i am always looking for approval, especially from her. i don't want to hurt anybody with decisions i make. I want everyone to be happy.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 2:27am

Well, the thing about relationships is that the only way to absolutely guarantee not getting hurt is to not ever have a relationship.

If you do decide to have a go at a relationship you can't hold back and guard yourself because that means that you are not giving all of yourself to someone that you are trying to build a strong and intimate relationship with. They end up only getting part of you. All you can do is take things slowly and ensure that you are comfortable and feel secure all the time. If you get hurt you look back and say to yourself "Well, I didn't see that coming".

At 26yo you should be independant from your mother and making your own decisions. This is YOUR life, not your mothers. Appreciate your mother, respect her, keep her informed of where you are and what you are doing, but don't run to her about everything. She doesn't need to know about your sex life or the details about your relationship. You are an adult. You are not some little kid any more that needs Mum's approval.

During sex? You're having intercourse. He's been putting his penis into you already and probably in a variety of positions already. What difference does trying another position make? He already knows what you look like naked. What are you too shy about?

As far as oral sex goes? Lots of people do it. Let him do it to you and relax - lots of people do it and it can feel pretty good too. As far as giving him oral sex goes? ANY licking and sucking feels nice. Read some of the advice here on the boards and you will soon become a seasoned pro at it once you get used to the basics. Short of biting him, it all feels good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 9:35am

Hi Angels.
Thanks for your reply, I was afraid it may have sounded harsh. I read your reply and here are my thoughts:

Relationships and making love are VERY important, some marriages never make it because of love making issues. But in order to receive love from another human being (with the exception of family as that is really unconditional love) we have to open ourselves up and by doing that, we become vulnerable. I understand your need to please everyone, and seek approval from people. I have those issues occasionally. But Angels, when it comes to an intimate relationship, the ONLY approval you need to seek is your own. Your Mother has been every age you have been thus far in your life and has experienced love and hurt and joy and sadness. You need to experience these feelings on your own. Taking advice from people, esp our parents, who have nothing but our best interests at heart can be a double edged sword. While they have experience on their side they are trying to guide us from making some of the mistakes they have which is wonderful, but at the same time, mistakes are how you gain experience and become a confident individual. Someday your Mother won't be around to help "steer" you, and alot of issues that you will be faced with, you may not have the life-experiences to handle them well. I am a Mom, too. And I never want to see my son hurt by anyone, but someday some lil ole girl is gonna break that boy's heart and it will be my job to lend him a shoulder to cry on. That's it. My son is 8 years old, so LOL there is quite an age difference between you and Jake (my son), but I already let him make mistakes (very minor ones) so he can see how to avoid making them in the future. I let him not so much deal, but be confronted by disappointment at this age because right now they are small disappointments in his life, meaning I don't coddle his emotions or sugar coat things (losing a baseball game for instance). As he grows older, the disappointments and mistakes he will be faced with are only going to get bigger and he will better be able to handle as I let him experience these feelings and situations in a "controlled" setting when he was younger. I know your Mom doesn't want to see you hurt, but you have to experience hurt in your life to appreciate true love. I am sorry to hear about your Dad passing away when you were an infant. I often wonder how differently our lives would be if things like the death of a parent while young hadn't occurred. About being "shy" in regards to sex: go get a book about sex. It will show you different positions, it will explain things in detail. Don't be embarrassed to have sex with someone you care about. Sex and making love are one of the best parts about being human. The act (the physical and emotional) can bring you so much joy and bodily pleasure. I think you should stay the weekend with your boyfriend. Take it slow if need-be and enjoy yourself. I wish you luck and happiness.

I had to edit this post as I have now read through all replies to you and from you.

~Oral sex: OMG one of the BEST parts of intimacy. If you are embarrassed to let him go down on you, take it slower by letting him kiss and lick your inner thighs. Ask him to take it slowly so you can get used to this idea and some of the sensations it will provide. Ask him to wet (lick) a finger and while kissing and licking your thighs, finger your labia and clitoris with this wet finger. If you are liking what you feel, guide him to move his mouth there. As far as going down on him...men are pretty simple to please: play with penis in any fashion (so long as it is not painful...and hey, some guys like that too) and he will love you for it. Make sure you don't have cotton mouth when you are going to do this or it takes the fun out of it for both of you. Place your wet lips on the head of his penis and open your mouth taking him in. Don't worry, clean skin does not taste bad, tastes like an arm or the neck. Lick and kiss his entire penis if you want. Just going up and down sucking gets kind of boring for him and is uncomfortable on your neck. Throw a hand in there too. Stimulate his penis with one of your hands while sucking on the upper half and the head of his penis. I guarantee once you get your mouth THAT close to his penis, nature takes over and you just somehow know pretty much what to do. And you can also tell by his body language/sounds what to do again and what not to do again. If you do not want him to ejaculate in your mouth, ask him to tell you when he is going to cum. I have been with my husband 15 years, so I know when he is going to cum. I do not like to swallow. I have tried on many occasions and I just don't like it. I thought (used to think) that in order for a guy to feel like he got a good deal on the blowjob, the woman had to swallow. I asked my husband about this and his reply was "I don't care what you do with it (meaning semen) because it freaking felt good getting there (meaning cumming)".

~Different positions: This guy has already seen you naked. And chances are many other women too. He knows what a woman looks like. We all look the same. Some are pinker, some are browner. Some bigger, some smaller. Getting my point here? If he was ANY bit concerned about your "looks" I guarantee he wouldn't be getting naked with you. Try doggystyle. You are on your hands and knees, he is on his knees behind you. Get on top, either facing him or away from him. You don't have to go up and down on your feet...that is a real leg killer anyhow. Roll your pelvis around on top of him. Go up and down a bit while resting on your knees. Another one to try and he can't really see as much of your body this way is have him sit on the bed naked (almost like indian style) right in the middle of the bed, then get on his lap facing him with your legs wrapped around his waist and resting on the bed behind him. This is a great position for breast stimulation and kissing. Can't go up and down much in this position, but you "rock" together...like back and forth.

~Your Mom (again): You don't need her approval for an intimate relationship. You are not under 18 anymore. I have to tell you though, if you can't think for yourself in regards to a relationship and sex, this guy is going to run the other way. No guy wants "mommy" to know about the sex life he has with her daughter. He wants you to be free and make your own decisions here. And you should, you owe it to yourself and the relationship. He does not want to have sex with your Mother, and in essence, he is. He wants YOU. You deserve to know what pleasure is. Whether the pleasure comes from a piece of dark chocolate or a penis...you deserve it. Had your Mom let you be faced with situations at a younger age, had she let you grow up and experience good, bad, and indifferent I don't think you would be posting on this board. I'm sure your Mom loves you and wants the best for you, but by being so overprotective of you she is seeing to it you don't get what is right for you. If she really wanted what was the best for you, she would say "hey, be careful, don't get hurt and have fun". And then she would leave it at that. A Mom should be so happy to see her daughter blossoming into a well rounded woman in a loving and sexually healthy relationship. I would almost think that a parent (either Dad or Mom) would almost live vicariously through a child's relationship with someone else. Like the daughter going away with a new love for a long weekend at a bed and breakfast. I would almost think Mom and Dad would stand at the kitchen window together cups of coffee in hand and watch this person they created, this woman they nurtured run towards the love of her life, weekend bag packed and in hand and say "Gosh...remember when it was like that for us?" THAT picture almost brought a tear to my eye HAHA. But that is how it should be. Maybe it is time you sit down with Mom and thank her for raising you and helping you be the best you can be. Tell her she has armed you well with knowledge and morals, but some things you have to find out for yourself. Tell her you love her more than anything in the world and you will always be there for her, but you need love on another level. Your Mom is a woman, I guarantee she understands.




Edited 8/8/2006 10:10 am ET by gal_anonymous1
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 8:26pm

angels778

There are various combinations of positions and techniques used in oral sex, but it is the mouth and tongue that provide the pleasure in all cases.
People have been using their mouths to stimulate each other sexually for about as long as there have been people.Men have been kissing women on their necks, ears, breasts, backs, thighs, and any where else they can think of that'll arouse them sexually ever since they found out it works.
Kissing, licking, sucking and nibbling can feel good anywhere on the genitals of both men and women. The pressure (light, firm, and in between), speed (fast, slow, or changing), and the type of motion used can be varied endlessly to produce different sensations. In both practices, the warm, moist feeling of the mouth and the tongue on the genitals can be very erotic. Some enjoy a teasing, stop-start approach, while others prefer a more steady type of stimulation.
Many men and women, today probably most, use some form of oral massage or kissing of the sex organs as a normal part of foreplay to warm up their partners prior to intercourse.

You have to develop an understanding of the intimate feelings and emotions that occur while you're performing oral sex, and how to respond to those feelings. Giving head is much more intimate than intercourse and, if approached with the right attitude, can be more emotionally satisfying. Both the man and woman need to become familiar with what the other's emotional needs are, not just what it takes to make each other climax.

Let's assume that you have taken that opportunity to LOOK at his penis. To explore each area of the penis to find the most sensitive parts.
Take his penis in your hand and LOOK at it. He probably will not have the will power to stay soft.
Place his erect penis inside your mouth but by sliding your moistened tongue over the head, until your lips close around the shaft at the point just behind the head.DO NOT just open your mouth and close it, Slide it in and tighten your lips around the shaft. With your head begin a circle motion. The penis will slide to different places in your mouth as you continue the circle motion. WATCH YOUR TEETH ON THIS.
Encase the shaft of his penis with your hand, By enclosing his penis with your hand you give him the sensation of having his penis encased as well as continuing your goal.
Once you have grasp his shaft you can work it anyway you like, you can go down and up in sequence of your mouth movement or twist while you are sliding your lips and mouth up and down, you are in control, a soft sucking motion on the head works very well.
Later you will find that his sack can also be a pleasure area for sucking, and slightly squeezing and fondeling.
Oral sex can be used to find out what your partner enjoys,and for you to please him.
Everyone must learn.

With your response to why you do not suck as "I do not know how" may result to him not fully accepting you, you need to break that barrier and take the next move....DONT BE SHY
He will probably feel more comfortable if you DO attempt giving him oral than you keep avoiding it, You have already told him you do not know how !!!!!! Suprise him.
Saying you do not know how is making you feel stupider than trying
BESIDES who made him an EXPERT at giving oral, you will find everyone is differant in technique you do not have to prove yourself to anyone BUT yourself, he will not be comparing you to anyone (If he knows better)

You are being realy to hard on yourself saying you cannot do anything right, that is just wrong

As for you not allowing him to go down on you, you are also missing out, you need to layback, relax and enjoy.......Why did you say No




Edited 8/8/2006 8:55 pm ET by asoxs
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:06pm

You aren't responsible for making everyone happy! You are only responsible for making yourself happy. Your mother is keeping you naive for her own purposes. EVERYONE is naive until they get out and experience life. I'm sorry your mother lost her husband at a young age, and I'm sorry that she's had some bad relationship experiences, but that doesn't give her the right to keep you out of relationships.

She's a mother, and she wants the best for you! That's understandable. I'm a mother, and I want the best for my children, too. However, I knew that the only way for them to become adults was to allow them to BE adults, and to allow them to make their own mistakes.

She wants your future to be secure? She has no control over your future! She expected her own future to be secure, and everything changed in a heartbeat. That is what happens in life! There are NO guarantees in this life. We can only live it day by day, and find as much happiness as we can. No one's life is perfectly happy day after day after day. We all have unhappy things happen to us! And when we do.....we learn from them, and keep right on going.

I have a friend that's like your mother. She wants to control every aspect of her children's lives, and they are all adults over 40! If she's not messing with them emotionally, she's dangling money in front of them! She's 75 years old, and if and when she passes away, or becomes ill or senile, they will not know how to function without her! That is SAD.

You need to learn to live your own life, and you need to understand you do NOT need your mother's approval. Just as with my friend, what would you do if your mother passed away tomorrow? How would you function, if you're so dependent on her?

As far as the "sex" is concerned, EVERYONE is naive until they have some experience at it. EVERYONE is unsure of what to do and how to do it. Please be aware, there is no such thing as "bad" sex......there is sex, there is good sex, and there is GREAT sex.....and you don't start out being "great"! You're unsure how to give him oral sex, and you're worried that you won't be "good"? If you put your mouth on a man's penis, for him, it's GOOD! Beyond that, you follow your instincts, and you even ask him what he likes (because all men like different things). He will be VERY happy to tell you what he likes...meaning faster, slower, harder, more gentle....or whatever he happens to like.

Have you ever ridden a two wheeled bicycle? Did you just get on it and ride it away? Of course not. You had to practice...at first you were afraid. You were afraid you'd fall, and maybe you did. But you got up, and you tried again. This time you wobbled, but you didn't fall. Then you got less wobbly. Eventually, you just got on the bike and you rode it. You didn't even THINK about how to balance, or how to pedal, you just DID it.....it became second nature to you. This is exactly what LIFE is about, and certainly what sex is about. You start out unsure, and then you become confident.

I'm sure you love your mother, and I'm sure she loves you, but she has to learn that it's time to LET GO, and let you live your life, and yes, even make your own mistakes. And you need to understand that you have a RIGHT to your own life, whether or not your mother likes it or approves of it. One day, your mother will be gone, and you will HAVE to stand on your own two feet......and you need to start learning how to do that RIGHT NOW!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 3:19pm
Hi, and thank you for your kind response,
i really appreciate your advice-Thnak you so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 3:22pm
Hi, wow thank you for your thoughtful response. Thanks for taking the time to give such meaningful advice, regarding everything I asked about. Very kind of you, thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 3:25pm
hi, thank you for your advice , very thoughtful and helpful to me. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 3:26pm
Hi, Thanks for your great advice. very thoughtful and helpful. Thanks again!

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