reasons sex is turned down??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
reasons sex is turned down??
18
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 1:35am

I thought I already posted this but it didn't show up so I'm sorry if there are two!!

I am wondering some of the reasons your SOs have turned down your offer for sex or reasons you have turned down the offer for sex.

My SO has turned me down every day since Saturday... I have made the offer every day... saturday night he was tired, sunday I offered at like noon and it was understood that we would later...but we didnt because it got too late at night even though I "reminded him" before it did... he kept saying "we have all day." Then last night he was tired and sore from playing frisbee with his friends on Saturday and then today... I DONT KNOW he didnt give me his excuse even though I asked jokingly and I am fed up with it. Its not that he doesnt like it because he does... we just dont do it often. I am begining to believe that he thinks that he can only have sex a certain amount of times and if he is tired it wont be as good for him so he doesnt want to "waste it" It frusterates me so much and then when I try to please myself he asks what I am doing and asks me to stop. I dont get it. Anyways I was wondering if any of you have been turned down for sex for these reasons and what some other reasons are. Also any input into my situation would be helpful.
~Jamie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 9:19am

Hi Jamie,

It sounds like you two have mismatched libidos to me. It may be bothersome for him to watch you while you solo as well. You could always do that at other times or in other places.

iVillage has a "mismatched libidos" board. You might find some helpful advice there:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlclashing

I think it would be healthy for both of you to discuss your sexual needs and try to come to a compromise. It may be helpful to put sex on a schedule for the time being. This way, you both know when to "expect" it, and neither will feel frustrated by the request/denial process. Typically, the LL partner doesn't realize the needs of the HL partner, and visa-versa.

There could be reasons for a LL as well. Perhaps stress, medical problems, medications, etc. During the early stages of a relationship, it is common for couples to engage in sexual activity more often. As they become relaxed, the sex usually slows down a bit. If you have noticed other changes, more recent changes, in his sexual interest, then you should discuss that as well. Perhaps getting to the bottom of the problem will allow him to make changes.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 12:00pm
Thanks so much for your help. I have been to that board before and many people have just said that LL and HL dont mesh well and people should get out of the relationship while they can. I do not agree with ending a relationship based only on the ammount of sex we have. My boyfriend and I have talked about his LL many times and we always come to a compromise that doesn't pan out. One time he promised that if I stopped mentioning sex with the intention of getting him in bed he would want it more. I didnt mention it for a month. And consequently no sex for that month. So that did not work for us and then we discussed once a week maybe twice as a compromise but never came up with a schedule. I really dont think he'd go for that because if I casually let him know that I might want it sometime that day he gets mad and says it needs to be spontaneous. Although I really like that idea... I'll ask him anyways. We have talked so many times about why he does not want sex and have figured some things out that we have fixed... now it's just his excuses. Anyways I'll probably head over to the mismatched libidos board again. Thanks again for your help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 2:16pm
That does seem wierd. I mean sometimes my gf wants it more than my system is physically capable of. But I will always want it after, what, say 2-3 days. I don't always want it every single day though. That being said, sometimes I want it a couple of times a day. It just varies. Guys aren't like women, they can't just do it over and over and over, or at least most can't. You need the system to re-boot a little! ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 3:27pm
Not weird really. There are lots of men out there that have little to no interest in sex. It's a stereotype that all men are interested in sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:19am

Is he affectionate in general? Is there anything from his past that may be at play here?

Men can have LL for a number of reasons. Some just ARE LL. Some are LL due to insecurities, jealously, intimacy issues, etc. I think you need to try and talk to him outside the bedroom and see if there is anything going on that he isn't talking to you about, particularly if he isn't one to talk about his feelings, he could be harbouring something.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:32am
I'm sure you don't like being told that you two just don't fit together, but if the "problem" makes you unhappy.......if you've talked about it, but the elusive "compromise" never happens.....then you have two choices. Stay there, and BE unhappy......or end the relationship. If you stay, it will cause other problems between you, you will start resenting him.....and it's going to end anyway. If you've tried, and nothing has changed, then maybe it's best that you just move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:12am

"I do not agree with ending a relationship based only on the ammount of sex we have. My boyfriend and I have talked about his LL many times and we always come to a compromise that doesn't pan out. "

"Anyways I was wondering if any of you have been turned down for sex for these reasons and what some other reasons are."

They aren't reasons, they're excuses for avoiding sex with you. What you write just about sums things up, he is NOT willing to work on this. There can be a thousand reason and since you have been to the ML board already, you know that people spend a 'good' part of their lives searching for reason 'why' and never find one. The most important thing for a relationship is that both partners 'work' in attempting to resolve an issue. He doesn't even try. You say so above.

So if you feel sex is unimportant for a relationship, then you have to learn to change yourself (which from visiting the boards, you see that is mostly unlikely to do) and live without it. Or live in the relationship wanting it and be unhappy. Or leave the relationship and found someone more compatible and found happiness. A person really should not settle for less than what they seek out of partner. If you desire physical intimacy as part of the qualities and characteristics you seek in a partner and your partner can't provide it for whatever reason, then you should move on as you'll be unhappy in the long run. Go back to the boards and read the boards of all the people who say they can live this way then 10 years and several kids later, they find out they can't. I don't know how many times people I've seen people say "I knew he or she was that way and but I still married them because I love them." Then they found out love doesn't fix the issue.

Good luck with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 10:51am

I wanted to thank everyone for their helpful advice on this and keep you updated with the progress. Last night I pointed out to my SO that if had played one less game of poker on-line or spent 1/2 hour less napping or surfing the internet then we could have had sex. After I said that he started putting the moves on me. He really likes to be spontaneous and a lot of times if I am offering it, he doesn't get to do that. So pretty much, it was my fault for trying to get him in bed because he wants to be the one to do that.

To answer your questions...
xploziv1-- Is he affectionate in general? Yes, he is very affectionate in private (he's not into PDA) especially when he doesn't want to have sex. He loves to cuddle. Is there anything from his past that may be at play here? possibly, I'd have to either ask him about it or think about it for longer. His mom does BLATANTLY favor his older brother... He does-wait- DID have jealousy issues when we were in a LDR and I was at a school with my ex. He figured that I saw my ex more than I saw him. Now that I live with him, it seems that the jealousy has dissapeared completley. The insecurities I am not sure about, but he likes to point out his flaws...
tryinghard55-- I appreciate your advice but as you can see from above, after pointing out my SO's priorities, he realized that something needed to change. I will keep what you said in mind, and not will settle for unhappiness.

Thanks again for everyone's advice!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:28pm

"After I said that he started putting the moves on me. He really likes to be spontaneous and a lot of times if I am offering it, he doesn't get to do that. So pretty much, it was my fault for trying to get him in bed because he wants to be the one to do that. "

Welcome for the advice. Be careful about this. It's not your fault. He's not speaking up or working on the issue. You're the one trying to deal with the issue. Remember, you said you left it alone for a month and he didn't absolutely nothing. So this idea of his that he's needs to make the moves, be spontaneous, then nothing happens for a month is RED flag. Go back to the ML boards. You'll see this all the time. It's all on 'his' terms. Yes, you have to back off with some of the pressure of trying to initiate so much but for this issue to work, you have to be able to iniate as well and he can't turn you down all the time when you ask. Spontaneity is nice, fun and enjoyable but he is using it as his excuse to avoid sex; it's not very realistic for long term relationships. With life we get busy. Lots of other things end up with the higher priority lots of time. Work, school, house, kids, hobbies, gaming etc. Couples have to work at making time for each other, including physical intimacy.

So while I am glad to see he step up this one time don't ask him for a whole month again. See how spontanious he is. Keep a record to yourself and see what happens. After that month if nothing happens, try to initiate again and see what he says when you do. As you will see in so many relationship, the LL person is great at a quick temporary bounce back, maybe just to get the HL off their backs, then they go back to stop working on the issue. Hope this all works out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:45pm

You're updating us on "progress"? What, because you got what you wanted last nite, you think this is progress? You've talked about the problem before, and for a hot minute, he did what you wanted.....and then reverted to the same old same old behavior.

Also, his mother favored his brother, and he DID have insecurities and jealousy? Hon, he's still got them. He may not talk about it, but it doesn't just "go away". He will never get the approval from his Mother that he needs, and he will always be insecure unless he can get some professional help for it.

You are doing nothing but making excuses for him. It isn't going to change unless he WANTS to change, but he can't do that on his own, nor can your "love" fix him.

As Tina Turner said, after enduring years of misery with Ike....."what's love got to do with it?" Ok, he's not beating you, but he IS emotionally abusing you because you are NOT happy in the relationship. He's using sex as a way of controlling you. It's his way or no way. When you realize that, you'll get yourself out of it.

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