reasons sex is turned down??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
reasons sex is turned down??
18
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 1:35am

I thought I already posted this but it didn't show up so I'm sorry if there are two!!

I am wondering some of the reasons your SOs have turned down your offer for sex or reasons you have turned down the offer for sex.

My SO has turned me down every day since Saturday... I have made the offer every day... saturday night he was tired, sunday I offered at like noon and it was understood that we would later...but we didnt because it got too late at night even though I "reminded him" before it did... he kept saying "we have all day." Then last night he was tired and sore from playing frisbee with his friends on Saturday and then today... I DONT KNOW he didnt give me his excuse even though I asked jokingly and I am fed up with it. Its not that he doesnt like it because he does... we just dont do it often. I am begining to believe that he thinks that he can only have sex a certain amount of times and if he is tired it wont be as good for him so he doesnt want to "waste it" It frusterates me so much and then when I try to please myself he asks what I am doing and asks me to stop. I dont get it. Anyways I was wondering if any of you have been turned down for sex for these reasons and what some other reasons are. Also any input into my situation would be helpful.
~Jamie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 5:50pm

When he is mad at me he witholds sex from me as a form of 'punishment'...he would never in a million years admit this to me, himself, or anyone else for that matter, but I've been w/the guy over 3 yrs now and I KNOW him and I know that he does this...he tends to hold how he feels inside and holds a grudge against me...instead of telling me how he feels...so that we can fix the problem together...he has a problem even 'admitting' that he is mad at me at all...even though I always know when he is...he thinks he is hiding it well from me and he is not...

he got so mad at me one time (and I didn't even know it) that he wouldn't sleep with me for a full 7 consective days...and I had no idea what was going on with him...until i exploded!

He says no when he is too tired...he has a laboror job and is currently working over time...

he says no if he is too sick...

he may say no...if he is not in the mood or has too much on his mind...but that's rare...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 7:53pm
Me and my boyfriend usually turn each other down for sex because of the same reason, because we are tired from work. I wouldn't be too concerned if it's only been a few days. Everyone has different sexual needs. Sometimes we'll go a week without having sex, which makes it even better when we finally are both in the mood at the same time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 5:45am

>>>His mom does BLATANTLY favor his older brother... He does-wait- DID have jealousy issues when we were in a LDR and I was at a school with my ex. He figured that I saw my ex more than I saw him. Now that I live with him, it seems that the jealousy has dissapeared completley. The insecurities I am not sure about, but he likes to point out his flaws...<<<

How can you not be sure about whether he has insecurities or not? If he likes to point out his flaws, then he IS insecure. People that do that are looking for reassurance. His mother blatantly favours his older brother, so basically he has spent most of his life being second best, and no doubt has jealousy issues because of it - no wonder he was jealous of your ex. His insecurities could be reason enough for him to avoid sex - if he doesn't feel good about himself, he will avoid being in a position where his "flaws" might be enhanced.

Do not take his one time of initiating as "progress". This has only happened once. He probably only did it because you blatantly pointed out the things he does that take up too much time that you could spend together (which could very well be things that he does on purpose to have an excuse to avoid intimacy). If you don't initiate for the next month, see if it does. If you don't initiate, he can't use the excuse that he feels pressured and likes to be spontaneous. If he doesn't act when there is no pressure, then it will be clear to you that this is another excuse.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 2:25pm

Thanks for your help. So far I haven't initiated anything... and havent gotten anything (not that I have wanted it because of other circumstances which is weird for me because normally I am so HL that nothing lowers it...) Anyways we havent had a second to spare together(alone)in a while. We'll see what happens... at least my mind hasn't been on it this week. Thanks again for your help though!

~Jamie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 1:22am
I am actually going through the same situation. I am 26 and my husband is 34. We have a one year old boy and our sex life seems to be all mixed up. When he wants it I don't and when I want it he doesn't so its been extremely frustrating. I often feel like he has been physically getting too tired and that his age is catching up to him and that frightens me because I am still young and full of energy. So anyway, I know exactly where you are coming from and maybe you two should take up a sex class or couples massage classes or take a date night once in a while just to set the mood and get away from reality. Hope that helps, sorry I also vented!!! Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:52am

I actually stumbled in here with the exact same problem. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and he loves to have sex, but only certain times, and only when he wants to do it. He has told me that he gets turned off bec he feels i am initiating it all the time. also, he was raised in a very strict environment and is dad gave him some warped images of sex. for example, he was told that if he has sex more than once, he will barely be able to get out of the bed bec he will not have any energy. He is 23 yrs old and I feel like we are a 60 yr old married couple. He had a very experienced past with many girls and this is my first time. I just don't know how to handle this bec I feel very undesirable.

He also uses reasons like aching muscles or "we'll do it later" i dont understand it at all. I thought men were supposed to be the ones who were sex deprived!!! it makes me feel so strange. I am happy to know someone else is having a similar problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 8:38am

Welcome to the board claudia0130. Thanks for joining in.

I think most people go through strains when they have young children. I don't think your DH is too old to keep up with you, certainly not at 34. It's more likely that both of you have demanding lives right now. Try to make sex a priority. The more often you have sex, the more often you will want to have sex, and the sooner you will get back on track.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 8:44am

Welcome to the board seydmri.

It's very unfortunate when kids are raised to think of sex in unrealistic, untrue ways. Perhaps you could pick up some books (like on ways to improve your sex life, or a guide to better sex) that would be helpful to your situation. It also sounds like he may have a lower libido than you. Sometimes that is difficult to manage. I would definitely try to work on this before allowing your relationship to become more committed.



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