rejection in bed

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
rejection in bed
25
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 5:59pm
I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. Near the beginning of the relationship I noticed that he had only given me oral sex 1 time. When I questioned him about it he said that I had an odor. Upon further questioning he assured me that it was only the one time that he smelled it and that it was probably due to my period or something of that nature. Over the past months he has assured me that he has not noticed any bad smells etc., however, he still never goes down on me and is even reluctant to touch my vagina with his hand. I asked him about this again last night and once again it seems as though I smell. Although he can't seem to tell me what I smell like or what he thinks I should smell like. Let me be clear that he still has sex with me and receives oral sex on a very regular basis. He does not even ask for it, he just gets it. I have had my fair share of sexual partners and never received this complaint before. In fact it has always been quite the opposite, they can't seem to get enough. In all my years of sexual activity there have been no obvious or lasting changes in my hygeine techniques, discharge patterns or smell. Sure I go through normal monthly cycles like any woman but I am confident that I have a normal, healthy smelling vagina. Does anyone have any input? I just find it strange that I only seem to "smell" when I question him about his sexual generosity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 11:31am
yes, but i mostly just get silence. i've poured my heart out about how bad this has made me feel and i really hardly get any kind of a response at all. I have scoured the internet about how it is "supposed" to smell down there etc., etc. I have come across nothing that supports my having a bad smell. As far as I can tell I am perfectly normal. I finally got him to tell me what it is that i smell like and he said that it is "musky". WTF??? I mean, hello, it's a vagina, not a bed of roses. I feel he just doesn't like "my personal scent" and rather than say that he's telling me it smells bad. Then, on top of that he says that he was trying to spare my feelings by not talking to me about it. I feel so uncomfortable now and foolish that I've been having sex with him and giving him everything he doesn't give me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 11:59am

Well, that's a bad sign that he gets silent... I think if it was a foul odor, you would know it. I think it's just something he doesn't want to do or like to do and it's easier to place the blame on you. You need to decide if you want to continue the relationship based on the way he is.

I don't know what your future plans are with him, but I think you should think long and hard about committing to anything definite. It will only get worse. IMHO.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:05pm
thank you ladies, your thoughtful posts have made me feel a little better about myself as a normal woman, however i still feel very badly about the situation. He is so hard to talk to, i feel like he shuts me out and that he expects the issue to be over the next time we see each other. just shove it aside and it will go away. well, i'm not gonna let this issue die so that the next time it comes up it's the same thing all over again. i shouldn't have to feel ashamed of myself or my femininity or like i have accomplished nothing at all by telling him my feelings and doing my research atc. i deserve some kind of resolution, some kind of compromise or at the very least, honesty. i don't feel i've gotten any of these. since i seem to get nowhere by trying to talk to him i emailed him the link to this thread. we'll see what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:12pm
i love this man more than i have ever loved anyone in my life. we just recently moved in together and i have every intention of making our relationship work. i am not looking for an out or anything like that. the thought of breaking up over this has never even entered my mind. i just want him to embrace my sexuality and uniqueness, i don't feel like i've been given a fair shake in that respect.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:36pm
I would hope that if he didn't like to give oral that he would just tell me so that i didn't have to feel like this. It's not like I couldn't be happy in a relationship without it, if that were the case. As it stands I have never felt so rejected and so unattractive in my whole life. It is not fair, i have always been very free spirited and open minded in the bedroom and have done my very best to get this point across to him. i tell him all the time that i love him and love sex with him and love his package etc., etc. In fact, and he knows this, he is the only man i have ever been able to have an orgasm with while he is inside of me. I want to be free with him, but feel stiffled. He is very loving and affectionate and generous and constantly tells me he loves me etc., etc. but as far as the bedroom goes I just feel so deprived.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 2:42pm
I am so sorry that you feel like that. And I don't mean to sound cruel, but if he has a hard time talking now, believe me it will only get worse. I don't like to talk too much and my hubby is ten times worse. Every time I've tried to bring things up, he shuts down completely, or just gets upset and walks away. We've been together for over 27 years and married almost 13, and the sex is now non-existent.


Edited 6/14/2007 2:43 pm ET by nhgal2006



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 2:56pm

i'm so sorry to hear that. i don't know what i would do if i didn't have a sex life with the one i love. i wish for us all to have happy and fulfilling sex lives. how long has it been since the sex stopped?

well, as for my guy, he's read this discussion and says he feels really bad and that he loves me so much and if it is my pheromones and nothing wrong it is something he will have to deal with. whatever that means! he wants me to go to the doctor just to make sure there is nothing wrong down there, even though i know there's not. so i suppose i will, i don't see how anything will change after i get the clean bill of smell, then it will just mean that he hates the way i smell and there's nothing i can do about it! he's paying for the appointment!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 3:07pm

Well it definitely does sound like he cares! There are things you can do that may change the way you smell too. Chlorophyll tablets are sold in many health food stores and they are great at helping with various body odors. I know people that have used them successfully to sweeten their breath.

For some people, the sense of smell is very oriented to how they feel about someone. Maybe your guy is one of those. I know the first thing I always did when dating a guy was smell him lol.

Good luck to you. He does sound like a good guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 3:12pm

Well if he has read this thread and still asked you to go to the doctor, he probably isn't going to change. He doesn't want to face it that he doesn't like doing oral on you or maybe he just doesn't like doing oral in general as I know nothing about his history. Why does he need that extra check if he has read this thread?

"It's not like I couldn't be happy in a relationship without it, if that were the case. As it stands I have never felt so rejected and so unattractive in my whole life. It is not fair, i have always been very free spirited and open minded in the bedroom and have done my very best to get this point across to him."

Can you really live with things this way as it seems to be having a pretty profound effect on you?

"I want to be free with him, but feel stiffled. He is very loving and affectionate and generous and constantly tells me he loves me etc., etc. but as far as the bedroom goes I just feel so deprived."

It seems what you are looking for in the bedroom, you may lose over time if he isn't willing to work out a compromise with you. You say you can be happy without it but I wonder from all you wrote here if you can. Are you going to start feeling stifled in the bedroom?

While I know you said he has been the only guy to ever give you an orgasm during intercourse, actually it was more you giving yourself an orgasm as a woman's brain is her sexual organ. You maybe felt really relaxed and comfortable with him to achieve orgasm more easily than with other men to date. Though it sounds like things might start to go in the other direction if you can't work out this issue.

Hope he does something soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 3:32pm

My H likes to go down on me, but my AP hasn't yet.. we have been in this A for 7 plus months and yet I give him oral, but nothing on that.. he does lick my fingers if I play with myself during his oral of during sex so I know he "likes the taste". I have often told him that for all the oral I give him he needs to give me some and he says yes, but we have yet to see that... I think I am going to have to take charge in that department.. He satifsies me sexually but I still want to experience him tasting me for himself....(don't have sex with H unless I have too now, not a good M at this time, nothing to do with A)

Polishprincess