Retarded Ejaculation
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Retarded Ejaculation
| Fri, 03-10-2006 - 2:38pm |
I posted this somewhere else and no one has answered, so maybe I can get some help here.
My BF and I have been together for about 14 months now. The first time we made love, he didn't finish, and he explained to me that he had never finished with anyone before (I am only his third or fourth). I told him it wasn't a big deal and if there was anything I could do to help him, to let me know.
Well he's never told me anything, and everything I try gets him very close but he can't let go unless he's handling it himself. Once after two and a half hours with my hand, i was able to finish him off, but never during intercourse, or oral, and only that once with my hand.
We have talked about it extensively, and I believe the problem is phsycological, his mother is pretty crazy, and all kinds of stuff like that. All the research I can find says that most of the time that is the cause. But he refuses to admit that. He says that it's because he masturbated too much as a child, which I guess could be true. But we had both read that sometimes holding off on sex and masturbation for a while can help, which we did, for six weeks, and he still had to finish himself off. Which is precisely why I think it's phsycological. It only takes him 5 minutes when he's handling it, but can take hours if someone else tries, and even when he helps me so I do everything the way he likes, he still can't finish with me.
I know that it shouldn't bother me, but i feel like he should get help for this, I fear that it bothers him a lot more than he says. We've been talking marriage and kids, and I cannot imagine how in the world we would try to conceive when he can't finish. It seems impossible. And it does bother me a tad that I can't help him, it sort of feels like I'm not good enough. which I know isn't true, but it's a self esteem thing.
does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this, or perhaps a way that he could be convinced to get help for it. He refuses to even tell his MD about it, let alone a therapist.
Sorry so long, but any help would be greatly appreciated.
My BF and I have been together for about 14 months now. The first time we made love, he didn't finish, and he explained to me that he had never finished with anyone before (I am only his third or fourth). I told him it wasn't a big deal and if there was anything I could do to help him, to let me know.
Well he's never told me anything, and everything I try gets him very close but he can't let go unless he's handling it himself. Once after two and a half hours with my hand, i was able to finish him off, but never during intercourse, or oral, and only that once with my hand.
We have talked about it extensively, and I believe the problem is phsycological, his mother is pretty crazy, and all kinds of stuff like that. All the research I can find says that most of the time that is the cause. But he refuses to admit that. He says that it's because he masturbated too much as a child, which I guess could be true. But we had both read that sometimes holding off on sex and masturbation for a while can help, which we did, for six weeks, and he still had to finish himself off. Which is precisely why I think it's phsycological. It only takes him 5 minutes when he's handling it, but can take hours if someone else tries, and even when he helps me so I do everything the way he likes, he still can't finish with me.
I know that it shouldn't bother me, but i feel like he should get help for this, I fear that it bothers him a lot more than he says. We've been talking marriage and kids, and I cannot imagine how in the world we would try to conceive when he can't finish. It seems impossible. And it does bother me a tad that I can't help him, it sort of feels like I'm not good enough. which I know isn't true, but it's a self esteem thing.
does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this, or perhaps a way that he could be convinced to get help for it. He refuses to even tell his MD about it, let alone a therapist.
Sorry so long, but any help would be greatly appreciated.

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I don't think how often he masturbated as a kid has anything to do with it.
He says he's okay with it because he always has a good time, but everything that I have read even from guys that have this problem, they all say that it does bother them. So I don't see why it wouldn't bother him.
He seems to be fine as long as I get mine, which I do, but it isn't as satisfying as if he did too. You know what I mean? I like the idea of being able to get him off as much as he wants to do the same for me.
He thought that maybe he'd trained himself, so we've tried using my hand while his was on top, instructing and guiding me, and nothing. We've done every position we can possibly think of and achieve, and still nothing. I know he gets close because when we're done sometimes it only takes two seconds for him to finish, but we can go for hours and nothing.
I think it's a fear thing or something, because the minute he's not inside, he can do it. Well, he has to handle it himself, but you get what I meant.
I try not let it bother me, I know it shouldn't but sometimes it does. I don't always want to make love for two hours, sometimes I just want a quickie which is impossible with him.
He has said before that he is okay like this, but my feeling is that as he gets older, it will become an issue. He's 23 now. But when he decides he wants kids, and can't do this then what will happen. According to him, the women he was with before, never even tried to take care of him, they got theirs and left, and were fine that it took hours to get there.
I just wish there was some way to convince him that it's okay to seek therapy about it. But he's convinced that no amount of therapy physical or otherwise will help him. And he also blames his circumcision. I'm no expert, but I have never been with a guy who wasn't circumcised, and no one else has had this problem.
If he can do it himself in five minutes, then there's nothing physically wrong with him. Whatever his problem is, it's emotional. It's not because he has a crazy mother, and it's not because of his circumcision.
If he's not upset by it, no matter WHAT you read about other men....then leave him alone, and let him deal with it. If and when he gets tired of it, he might look for help on his own. Don't worry about it, because there is NOTHING you can do to fix him. The more it's discussed, the worse it will become. It's basically a "self fulfilling prophecy" at this point. He's convinced he can't do it, and so it's not going to happen. When he can learn to relax and forget about it, it might happen, but not until then. It's no different than women who don't have orgasms. If they convince themselves that something is wrong with them, then they'll never have orgasms.
He's gotten used to doing it his way, and that's the way he'll do it until HE decides it's time to change things.
Can’t really give you reasonably good advise as I haven’t experienced the hidden psychological aspect you indicated. However, I think you have a pretty good hand on the problem, HA HA. But seriously, you seem to have a reasonably good analysis about his problem; whether its true or not will depend upon time, as it passes. To “masturbate too much as a child” doesn’t hold much water for me to think this is the root of his problem.
In my case the same predicament resulted from my love and respect for her; in that I didn’t want her pregnant before marriage or for us to suffer the public and family embarrassment. That was enough to keep me from jeopardizing any respect or feelings we had for each other. Don’t know if this helps but it could be a contributing factor for, as you say, “he still can't finish with me”.
And what I said previously about his mother being crazy, what I meant was that sometimes when you have a weird childhood, or a strict upbringing it can cause this issue. My mother dated a young man she met in Alateen and he had this trouble because he was raised in a strict Catholic home with an overbearing mother, and it took him years of therapy to understand that it wasn't dirty and wrong as he had been told by his mother and his church. Obviously the church taught not to do it before marriage, but his mother had him so convinced that masturbation and sex of any kind was dirty and wrong that he could never finish.
So I wonder if that could be part of my BF's issue. His mother had always told him that it was dirty, and that may be why he can't relax when he his with a woman.
Just an idea I had.
Hi, laylam2006.
I wanted to add to my prior post #18557.5. Only wish my spouse was as in tune and that comfortable as you are with sexual matters. Both of you should be very thankful for your orientation and interest in sexual matters.
I think the advise of other posts on this subject and the relax issue about the pressure between you guys is proper and sensible judgment.
I don't think this is any different than a woman who is unable to orgasm from the efforts of a partner. Some simply cannot give themselves over to another person in that way. There is an inability to be THAT vunerable and open with a partner. Giving up control may be part of it. Of course, training oneself to respond to only one specific type of stimulation doesn't help either.
IF he is unable to change this with time, familiarity and encouragement, then yes, I agree with you, counseling couldn't hurt.
Oh! My mother told me that masturbation would make me go blind and that sex before marriage would cause somebody to go to hell. Once I found out how wonderful masturbation was I begin to doubt her words. I now know that this concept was part of a proper up-bring. The second part of this I’ll have to wait and find out if that part is true.
Embarrassment to admit that my love and respect for her would have my slant as a reason, had the situation ever been confronted as yours has. Your concern and attitude is remarkable. I only wish you could extent that orientation to my spouse.
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