Retarded Ejaculation

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Retarded Ejaculation
11
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 2:38pm
I posted this somewhere else and no one has answered, so maybe I can get some help here.
My BF and I have been together for about 14 months now. The first time we made love, he didn't finish, and he explained to me that he had never finished with anyone before (I am only his third or fourth). I told him it wasn't a big deal and if there was anything I could do to help him, to let me know.
Well he's never told me anything, and everything I try gets him very close but he can't let go unless he's handling it himself. Once after two and a half hours with my hand, i was able to finish him off, but never during intercourse, or oral, and only that once with my hand.
We have talked about it extensively, and I believe the problem is phsycological, his mother is pretty crazy, and all kinds of stuff like that. All the research I can find says that most of the time that is the cause. But he refuses to admit that. He says that it's because he masturbated too much as a child, which I guess could be true. But we had both read that sometimes holding off on sex and masturbation for a while can help, which we did, for six weeks, and he still had to finish himself off. Which is precisely why I think it's phsycological. It only takes him 5 minutes when he's handling it, but can take hours if someone else tries, and even when he helps me so I do everything the way he likes, he still can't finish with me.
I know that it shouldn't bother me, but i feel like he should get help for this, I fear that it bothers him a lot more than he says. We've been talking marriage and kids, and I cannot imagine how in the world we would try to conceive when he can't finish. It seems impossible. And it does bother me a tad that I can't help him, it sort of feels like I'm not good enough. which I know isn't true, but it's a self esteem thing.
does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this, or perhaps a way that he could be convinced to get help for it. He refuses to even tell his MD about it, let alone a therapist.
Sorry so long, but any help would be greatly appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 12:05am

Religion and upbringing are hard things to ignore. If that's how he was brought up, then of course it has some bearing on his problem. However, I'm sure he was also brought up not to masturbate, but that hasn't stopped him, has it? We all have "selective" conciences if it suits us. We CAN do things we were taught not to do IF it's something we really want to do.

Fear of pregnancy could also be a factor, but with 100% effective birth controls available these days, it shouldn't be a factor. It could also be a fear of being "trapped" because of an unwanted pregnancy. Mommy probably told him to watch out for women who would try to trap him that way. When his mother grew up, pregnancy meant marriage, whether you wanted it or not. Today, no one has a problem with unexpected pregnancies, and no one seems to think it's necessary to get married because of them.

Regardless of what his fears and/or hangups are, he's the one who has to deal with them. If and when he's ready, he will.

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