same sex fantasies

Avatar for debra1016
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
same sex fantasies
12
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 4:04pm
I need some feedback. I have a female friend, I have known her for over ten years. Many years ago (before I was married) she and I had two sexual encounters. Both of us had been curious and I guess we were comfortable enough with eachother to experiment. I think we both enjoyed it but soon after that we lost touch and have recently been talking again. We don’t usually bring it up, but we both have husbands with low sex drives and often talk about our frustrations. Anyway a few weeks ago, she said that she and I should just get together to help relieve some of our frustrations since neither of us were getting enough at home and we didn’t want to have affairs. (she has cheated on her husband many times. I have not). I kind of laughed it off, knowing that she would definitely do it. Since then, I’ve found myself thinking about it a lot. I know cheating is cheating. I know it’s wrong, and I’m sure plenty of you here will tell me so. I know I need to work on the sexual problems DH and I are having – and we ARE working on them, making progress slowly, but I guess it’s just something about the touch of a woman that excites me. I most likely will not go through with this, but it’s fun to think about. I don’t often see this friend, but we are supposed to get together in the next few weeks. I am going to try not to put myself in the position for anything to happen though. I do not consider myself bisexual at all. I wouldn’t want to do this on a regular basis, and I��m sure some of my desire for it right now comes from the fact that I am frustrated from not getting enough from DH. I was just wondering if any other women out there have had thoughts about another woman? Thanks for the feedback!

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 9:28pm

No, I don't have thoughts of other women.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 9:40am
Dear Debra,

Feelings and thoughts like this are perfectly normal. All human beings have bisexual tendencies even if they are deeply supressed...you're normal. However, as you said cheating is cheating. I get the feeling that what you are really missing (more than just sex itself) is physical intimacy and a sense of connection with your husband. As Tish said, you seriously need to talk with him and find a place that you can reconnect. You never mentioned if your husband was aware of your greater need for sex and connection. Sometimes when we think things are obvious to our spouses, they are not. As far as your sexual attraction to your friend, as I said this is pretty normal, however it's best not to feed that flame. Whatever fire you feed grows stronger. Feed the fire at home and let this other fire flicker out. You do that by not giving it too much importance. DOn't force it away, but when the desire comes up, just notice it and let it pass. We all become attracted to people...usually because they have some un-owned quality that we project on them. Own the quality and the attraction shifts to friendship.

Good luck and much love to you.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 11:56am

Debra-


Your feelings are normal, and yes, by most standards, if you are attracted to both men and women, and have had sex with men and women, you are bisexual, even if you're in a monogamous relationship. There's no shame, ad if the truth were know, you'd find that you have more company than you realize. So there's certainly no shame to being attracted to or having been with another woman.


But...whether its with a man or a woman, cheating is cheating. If your husband doesn't know and/or doesn't approve, you're violating the v ow and bond that holds you together. You'd feel the same way if he were thinking of sleeping with someone else.


And the truth of the matter is that while it might work out to be a good thing to have another place to go for sex (especially if its a kind of sex he can't provide), if you're sneaking around, it'll be a huge burden, and it won't help you work out your problems with your husband. What will you do if you find your attraction going beyond the physical? Can you be in love with your husband and with her, too?


I do

--


martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:52pm
"I was just wondering if any other women out there have had thoughts about another woman?"

Yes, I always have had thoughts. I think that my level of interest would be called bi-curious because it's a minor side dish compared to my heterosexual desires. The one time I acted on it, I was very much single at the time and had been invited to join a couple in a 3-some. It happened just once and everyone had a wonderful time. The man would have loved for her to hang out with me sometimes, for us to be friends and for her to enjoy me either with him or not with him. I think she was only mildly curious and just enjoyed the one time. However, the idea of having a friend that you share intimacy with occasionally is a big turn-on to me, so I understand.

I'm married now and DH is very sexual, and we're both satisfied. Like the others said, cheating is cheating, and unless we both really wanted something like that in our marriage, it won't happen, and never without his full consent and knowledge. I don't forsee that happening, but for me that's fine and I've never been in a relationship that wasn't fully monogamous. A little girl-girl fantasy thought sometimes is enough for me.

Have you ever talked openly with your DH about these things before? Think you ever could?

Avatar for debra1016
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 1:35pm
Thank you to everyone who has commented on my post, it is very comforting, as I was hesitant to post it in the first place. My husband and I have been working on reconnecting sexually. We have different sex drives, mine being much more than his. He has lost interest in sex almost totally, and we went many many months without any contact at all. It's been a growing problem and recently we have begun to communicate about it, and he's putting in more effort. As for me, I've stopped asking for it so much, since I think the pressure was just adding to the problem. Even though I forsee us getting back to a healthy sex life in the very near future, I still wish he would be more open. I am pretty uninhibited about sex, always have been. He is more reserved and less open to trying new things. I have had much more experience than he has had. I have brought up to him before my desire to be with another woman, and even asked if it was okay if I did it. He did not respond to that well, but I just think my timing was really bad, because I brought it up during the time we were really arguing about not having sex. I think it made him feel insulted, like he wasn't enough for me, when that's not how I meant it to be. I offered to have him watch if I could arrange that, but he said no. I guess I assumed that any man would love to watch that, but I do understand when it's your wife, it may not be so comfortable. Since he was opposed to me exploring on my own, then I won't do it. Maybe in the future he will be open to it, but for now, he's not. I guess I will keep it as a fantasy for now, and maybe someday I'll get to do it again. If not, that's okay too. It's not something I think about all the time, and I remember after the times I did have experience with my friend, I remember thinking, that was fun, but I still love a good man. I am sure my thinking about it right now is because I am frustrated with my sex life, and here I have someone who was willing to help me out.

I appreciate everyone's comments, and it has given me some insight.

Thanks!

Debra

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 1:35pm
"I was just wondering if any other women out there have had thoughts about another woman?"

No. Not one iota. Ever! Not as a child, not as a teen, not as an adult have I ever fantasized or became aroused by a woman. I was brought up very liberal, and I know that my family would have accepted me no matter if I were gay, bi or straight, so my environment didn't affect my outcome. As soon as it is proven that homosexuality is genetic, it would then seem logical that all humans may land somewhere in the spectrum and be either hetero, bi-curious, bi, or homosexual. I can only speak for myself, and I repeat, I am 150% heterosexual. I even had women come on to me when I was single and once while I was married. I refused each time because it didn't arouse me the least bit.




Edited 6/18/2004 1:46 pm ET ET by free_to_choose

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anonymous user
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 2:05pm
I completely 100% agree with everything you posted. In fact it was as if I could have posted it myself. Really I cant believe it. My thoughts and situation is EXACTLY like yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 3:00pm
Debra,

Just a thought...When someone like you admits to something as personal as you did, lots of people around here, all of the sudden are "experts" and sanctimonious with their answers. Maybe it's just the tone of some of the replies, but I can't help wondering if they say what they are *supposed* to say or how they really feel. Do most of the people posting here have fantastic sex lives and perfect spouses?

I think about being with women a lot when I'm fantasizing. I think about other men a LOT when I'm with my husband. It will be a struggle for me to stay faithful to my husband for the rest of our lives. I know this and accept that it's the way I am. I hunger for other men's approval and have a bad habit of flirting. I almost think that my brain is more wired like a man's than a woman's when it comes to monogamy. As long as it's not acted on, I don't think it's cheating.

How would your husband feel if you told him about your feelings towards the other woman? Maybe he wouldn't see it as such a bad thing after all. I just don't ever want to preach to anyone about what is "right" and "wrong" , all relationships are different.

Avatar for debra1016
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 3:38pm
Thank you for your honesty. I also struggle with monogamy. I wish it was as easy for me as it is for some people, but it's not. Not to say I would actually cheat, but like you, I think about other people often. I guess it's normal for some people, but who's to say what's normal or not. I think if I did get his approval to be with another woman, I would consider doing it. I would have to be sure he was okay with it though. I agree with you that all relationships are different, and as long as both people are fine with their situation, then that's all that matters. Thank you for not being judgmental.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 4:39pm
I believe that if my DH was highly interested and wanted me to have a sexual friendship with a woman that would include him, we would end up having that (if it worked out with the right person that way, etc.) So far, my DH has said (as all men I've ever been in relationships with have said), that he never fantasizes about two women together or being in that kind of situation. I suspect that at least SOME of them were covering up, or too embarrased to admit it. It seems to be one of the most common male fantasies out there (I hear), so I wonder.

One time, he did admit that one of his fantasies was two women going down on him at once. So, who knows what the future may hold. My motto is never say never. :)

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