same sex fantasies
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same sex fantasies
| Thu, 06-17-2004 - 4:04pm |
I need some feedback. I have a female friend, I have known her for over ten years. Many years ago (before I was married) she and I had two sexual encounters. Both of us had been curious and I guess we were comfortable enough with eachother to experiment. I think we both enjoyed it but soon after that we lost touch and have recently been talking again. We don’t usually bring it up, but we both have husbands with low sex drives and often talk about our frustrations. Anyway a few weeks ago, she said that she and I should just get together to help relieve some of our frustrations since neither of us were getting enough at home and we didn’t want to have affairs. (she has cheated on her husband many times. I have not). I kind of laughed it off, knowing that she would definitely do it. Since then, I’ve found myself thinking about it a lot. I know cheating is cheating. I know it’s wrong, and I’m sure plenty of you here will tell me so. I know I need to work on the sexual problems DH and I are having – and we ARE working on them, making progress slowly, but I guess it’s just something about the touch of a woman that excites me. I most likely will not go through with this, but it’s fun to think about. I don’t often see this friend, but we are supposed to get together in the next few weeks. I am going to try not to put myself in the position for anything to happen though. I do not consider myself bisexual at all. I wouldn’t want to do this on a regular basis, and I��m sure some of my desire for it right now comes from the fact that I am frustrated from not getting enough from DH. I was just wondering if any other women out there have had thoughts about another woman? Thanks for the feedback!

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No, I don't have thoughts of other women.
Feelings and thoughts like this are perfectly normal. All human beings have bisexual tendencies even if they are deeply supressed...you're normal. However, as you said cheating is cheating. I get the feeling that what you are really missing (more than just sex itself) is physical intimacy and a sense of connection with your husband. As Tish said, you seriously need to talk with him and find a place that you can reconnect. You never mentioned if your husband was aware of your greater need for sex and connection. Sometimes when we think things are obvious to our spouses, they are not. As far as your sexual attraction to your friend, as I said this is pretty normal, however it's best not to feed that flame. Whatever fire you feed grows stronger. Feed the fire at home and let this other fire flicker out. You do that by not giving it too much importance. DOn't force it away, but when the desire comes up, just notice it and let it pass. We all become attracted to people...usually because they have some un-owned quality that we project on them. Own the quality and the attraction shifts to friendship.
Good luck and much love to you.
Scott.
Debra-
Your feelings are normal, and yes, by most standards, if you are attracted to both men and women, and have had sex with men and women, you are bisexual, even if you're in a monogamous relationship. There's no shame, ad if the truth were know, you'd find that you have more company than you realize. So there's certainly no shame to being attracted to or having been with another woman.
But...whether its with a man or a woman, cheating is cheating. If your husband doesn't know and/or doesn't approve, you're violating the v ow and bond that holds you together. You'd feel the same way if he were thinking of sleeping with someone else.
And the truth of the matter is that while it might work out to be a good thing to have another place to go for sex (especially if its a kind of sex he can't provide), if you're sneaking around, it'll be a huge burden, and it won't help you work out your problems with your husband. What will you do if you find your attraction going beyond the physical? Can you be in love with your husband and with her, too?
I do
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martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!
Yes, I always have had thoughts. I think that my level of interest would be called bi-curious because it's a minor side dish compared to my heterosexual desires. The one time I acted on it, I was very much single at the time and had been invited to join a couple in a 3-some. It happened just once and everyone had a wonderful time. The man would have loved for her to hang out with me sometimes, for us to be friends and for her to enjoy me either with him or not with him. I think she was only mildly curious and just enjoyed the one time. However, the idea of having a friend that you share intimacy with occasionally is a big turn-on to me, so I understand.
I'm married now and DH is very sexual, and we're both satisfied. Like the others said, cheating is cheating, and unless we both really wanted something like that in our marriage, it won't happen, and never without his full consent and knowledge. I don't forsee that happening, but for me that's fine and I've never been in a relationship that wasn't fully monogamous. A little girl-girl fantasy thought sometimes is enough for me.
Have you ever talked openly with your DH about these things before? Think you ever could?
I appreciate everyone's comments, and it has given me some insight.
Thanks!
Debra
No. Not one iota. Ever! Not as a child, not as a teen, not as an adult have I ever fantasized or became aroused by a woman. I was brought up very liberal, and I know that my family would have accepted me no matter if I were gay, bi or straight, so my environment didn't affect my outcome. As soon as it is proven that homosexuality is genetic, it would then seem logical that all humans may land somewhere in the spectrum and be either hetero, bi-curious, bi, or homosexual. I can only speak for myself, and I repeat, I am 150% heterosexual. I even had women come on to me when I was single and once while I was married. I refused each time because it didn't arouse me the least bit.
Edited 6/18/2004 1:46 pm ET ET by free_to_choose
Just a thought...When someone like you admits to something as personal as you did, lots of people around here, all of the sudden are "experts" and sanctimonious with their answers. Maybe it's just the tone of some of the replies, but I can't help wondering if they say what they are *supposed* to say or how they really feel. Do most of the people posting here have fantastic sex lives and perfect spouses?
I think about being with women a lot when I'm fantasizing. I think about other men a LOT when I'm with my husband. It will be a struggle for me to stay faithful to my husband for the rest of our lives. I know this and accept that it's the way I am. I hunger for other men's approval and have a bad habit of flirting. I almost think that my brain is more wired like a man's than a woman's when it comes to monogamy. As long as it's not acted on, I don't think it's cheating.
How would your husband feel if you told him about your feelings towards the other woman? Maybe he wouldn't see it as such a bad thing after all. I just don't ever want to preach to anyone about what is "right" and "wrong" , all relationships are different.
One time, he did admit that one of his fantasies was two women going down on him at once. So, who knows what the future may hold. My motto is never say never. :)
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