save my sexless marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
save my sexless marriage
19
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 10:19pm

I amd 45 and my H 41. He married at age 24 and knew only one woman before me. We'be been married happily (at least I thought) for 16 years and our 17th anniversary in on the way. We have no kids and live more like best friends/ or brother & sister. Last time we had sex was in 2003 and before that was 2000. I was not interested in sex and he seems not, either. I thought he was OK with it. I thought our marriage is very strong even though it does not involve any sex, but that was a big mistake.

Recently he met this 26 years old girl at his work and he said he fell in love with her. They had sex and all of sudden his feeling towards me changed, he said. He said that he still loves me as a best family member and will take care of me forever but he does not have a feeling toward me any more. He said he does not have any chemistry nor any sexual interests in me. He even recommend that I should find a nicer guy than him. Although he made it clear that he wants to keep me as the best friend forever, he cannot make love with me any more once his feeling changed. I argued with him that he is only phisically attracted to young body of her but he denies it. He said unless he is in love with the women, he can not make love. He can make love to her because he is deeply in love with her but not with me. That hurts.

He said sorry to me but admitted that he cannot help and I also do not know what to do.
Is there any way to let him interested in me again? He will not like counseling at all.
I sitll love him a lot. Please Help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 7:46am

Were the two of you ever in-love with each other?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 9:57am

You can't MAKE someone love you though. IF he has fallen in love with someone else, then he has moved on emotionally.

Once he realized what he was missing, emotionally & physically, from an intimate sexual connection with someone, he began to see what was missing in your relationship. Now, a friendship isn't enough.

I think you need to begin thinking about your own future, as Tish suggested. Stop trying to make him feel what he likely never has or at least hasn't for a long time.

Start planning a life for yourself. Things happen for a reason and even though this is painful for the moment, it could be the beginning of many wonderful life changes for you, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 10:37am

I am sorry for your pain and your heartbreak. It is emotionally devastating when something like this happens, even though the warning signs and signals were obvious and glaring you in the face for several years.

Unfortunately, you and your husband fell into that sexless marriage rut and couldn't pull, dig or push your way out of it. Sex and intimacy are the cornerstones to marriage...without them, the union cannot hold up. It sounds like both of you became accustomed to not having sex, and your sex drive operates on a "use it, or lose it" type of system. Once your body settles without sex, it becomes lazy and it actually inhibits itself to sexual desires and hormones. These are all unconscious and unintentional biological affects that you cannot really control by any means other than having more sex. The more sex you have, the more your body and mind WANTS it...this is the paradoxical answer to low libido: The only way to WANT more sex is to HAVE more sex, but many people can't have sex without wanting it first!

What happened to your marriage is common if the partners do not make a conscious effort to keep the sexual bond and intimacy at a top priority in their relationship. Unfortunatly, your husband has had a total emotional disconnect from the bonds that once drew you two together, and in my opinion there is pretty much nothing that you can do at this point to regain or rekindle that spark.

Although I know it is painful and scarey and shocking to you at this moment, you should really just concentrate on yourself and decide what your next steps are for your future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 8:59pm

I agree with the others - you both love/loved each other, but were you ever really IN love with each other?

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 10:42pm

Jan

Thanks for your reply but I am deeply hurt even more after I have read it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 11:03pm
Thank you for your post.
It is very hard to admit that I can do nothing to change his emotion.
I might go counseling; I know what I want. I want to be with him forever, become a lover again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 7:54am

You have to ask him if he wants to work to save your marriage, ask him if he will go to


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 11:58am

I had a friend who divorced.

Granted the signs are there that something was wrong before it led to this. See if he follows through with divorce papers. Give it time he may come around. This is a wake up call and talking needs to happen ask him what led to this and so on. Need to talk-If he is unwilling at all ever of course there is nothing you can do... whatever you consider nonsexual affection to be start with that... if there is even the chance for that to take place. Usually pending the circumstances a couple can recover from an affair. It sounds like there may still be hope -dont grovel at his feet but... Make plans to do something and Journal your feelings. etc.

I know a friend due the friends background which contributed to this-that they have sex whenever because of their background more like once every so often. and they are in their 40s. Its not sexless.

Judith

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 9:33pm

Thank you very much for your insight.

His relationship with her is 99% over. She could not wait so she returned to her ex-boyfriend that made my H heartbroken.

I have asked him twice about going counseling but he is not interested. He is the last person to go any counseling (He has his PhD in Psychology, does some clinical staff).

You made me look at whole situation from a different angle. Yes! From my perspective. Why do I feel like I want to fall in love with him again? It is because of fear. I took him for granted for too long. It was always him who sought me. He was always jealous and upset when I am with other men. His care and obsession with me sometimes bothered me. I took it for granted that he is with me forever. And now it is reverse. He found another girl whom he said HE FELL IN LOVE WITH. He said THING HAPPENED AND FEELING CHANGED. That was a wake up call for me out of blue. I simply did not want to accept the fact that I was the one left alone. I could not stand the notion of losing my privilege of being his number one woman status.

As you say, if he didn't have another woman he loves, or if I didn't have the fear of loosing him, would I still want to become his lover again or am I just wanting that now because I know he wants to move on to a new life? This is really a good but scarely question. The answer is that I may just want to keep him because I cannot stand him starting a new life with me...

Thank you very much for your analysis. It makes me have a sound sleep tonight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 10:10pm

Judith

Thanks for your message. It eased my pain.

I still feel the warm love from him even though it is not a sexual intimacy. I will not rush any decision. He may not want to, either. We both still feel comfortable living together. Although there is no sex or physical intimacy between us now and there may be a very slim chance for that to occur in the future, too, I am not totally given up. I am still hopeful some miracle may happen.

It may be logical and healthy to end the relationship that does not work. But I am not efficiency driven. I want to try at least so that I do not regret. As you say, talking to him openly is my first step to take. If he is not interested in, then I will have to move on.

I think it very helpful to keep a journal, too so I am going to start now. Thank you for the idea and your insight into this matter.

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