save my sexless marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
save my sexless marriage
19
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 10:19pm

I amd 45 and my H 41. He married at age 24 and knew only one woman before me. We'be been married happily (at least I thought) for 16 years and our 17th anniversary in on the way. We have no kids and live more like best friends/ or brother & sister. Last time we had sex was in 2003 and before that was 2000. I was not interested in sex and he seems not, either. I thought he was OK with it. I thought our marriage is very strong even though it does not involve any sex, but that was a big mistake.

Recently he met this 26 years old girl at his work and he said he fell in love with her. They had sex and all of sudden his feeling towards me changed, he said. He said that he still loves me as a best family member and will take care of me forever but he does not have a feeling toward me any more. He said he does not have any chemistry nor any sexual interests in me. He even recommend that I should find a nicer guy than him. Although he made it clear that he wants to keep me as the best friend forever, he cannot make love with me any more once his feeling changed. I argued with him that he is only phisically attracted to young body of her but he denies it. He said unless he is in love with the women, he can not make love. He can make love to her because he is deeply in love with her but not with me. That hurts.

He said sorry to me but admitted that he cannot help and I also do not know what to do.
Is there any way to let him interested in me again? He will not like counseling at all.
I sitll love him a lot. Please Help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 6:59am

Sorry, I didn't mean to cause you any pain.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 7:57pm

Dear Xploziv1

Thank you very much for your message. I overreacted since I was emotionally unstable then. I know there was no offense in your message and what you said was a truth. But sometimes truth hurts and I was not ready to accept that that time.

His G.F. left him for her ex boyfriend. She could not wait for my H and he is deeply hurt by her move. We still live together as nothing happened but I know we could not go back. Something changed him and made him think this marriage is not right for him.

You are completely right. I forgot what it is like to be my own and my H was complaining about it, too. He keeps saying we both have to constantly reinvent ourselves. Since the time we met he changed a lot but I did not and we grew apart, that's what he said about our relationship. I agree. I was too comfortable.

Fear may be the number 1 reason why I want to keep marrying him. It is VERY SCARELY to live by my own after 17 years of staying together. He was always the one to come rescue me and that made all my friends envy about our loving relationship. I am 45 and how can I find my next partner, better one than him? He is truly a wonderful human being. Who will take care of me when I get sick and old since I do not have any kids or family in this country? Those fears made me want him and made me suffer.

My H mentioned he has a fear, too. He, too, is too comfortable with the life now and wonders if he could find a better place and that is why it took him for a few months to finally come to the conclusion to end his marriage. He is a very slow and careful thinker but once decided will not change his mind. If I still love him I should respect his decision.
Anyway since he does not want any sexual intimacy with me, why should I try? It will be a waste of my time and energy.

Now I feel like I am ready to face a reality. I want to take care of my self and my new life. It is very strange but now I feel quite positive about my future. Forget about fear of losing comfort! Something better will happen to me once I get out of this! I might meet a great guy. Who knows! Even if I do not, what’s wrong with it? I have so many wonderful friends.

Thank you very much for clarifying my head. I think all these messages including yours on the board actually transformed me like a very wonderful therapist does. I am getting stronger and happier. It is amazing!
Thank you all!

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 8:31pm

Goddess, has your husband actually said that he does not want to have a sexual relationship with you if you remain in the marriage? Or is this something he said before he was rebuffed by his lover who returned to her EX. Maybe there is still hope for a rekindling of the romance between you two.

If you say that his present intention is NOT to have a sexual relationship with you in the future, then I can understand that the best thing you can do is end the marriage and move on. It just seems a shame to me that two intelligent people cannot rekindle a romance that once flourished.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 8:39pm

Thank you for your message. This reply is a bit long but hope you do not mind reading it.

When I asked him if we can be a couple again, he said he does not have any sexual interests in me. That was about a week ago when he was still trying to get back her. I wanted to make love with him but was refused. He said unless he has a feeling toward me he cannot do that. That time he was still deep in love with her although they were not seeing each other.

He married at age 24 and knew only one woman before me. His love with his first girl friend was very intense because that was their first love. Their relationship ended so tragically that his memory with her was kept frozen as a beautiful crystal forever. He still dreams of her with "if" imagination. Heartbroken, he left his country and started his new life in England. Then we met. He was attracted by me since I was so different from her. She is more feminine and domestic. I am not and he was attracted by that. Living in foreign country opened up his mind completely and his pain started to heal. I moved to Ireland and he followed me a few months later. We started living together and a few months later he proposed me. We got married in 1989.

This time when he met a 26 years old girl at his work, their encounter somehow reminded him of the one with his first girl friend, he said. It was “a boy met a girl “ and she made him realize what it is to be loved as a man. Our encounter was never like that, he claims. He said she has chemistry with him. He seems forgot that he used to say we have a good chemistry.

If he says he and his first (or second) girl friend has man-women relationship, ours are more like best friends or family. I agree. We met in England about 20 years ago and moved to U.S. We grew together and survived in this country. Most of his years here were spent on University since he was to be a researcher while I worked and supported us. We became too close beyond man-woman relationship, that unabled him to feel sexual intimacy with me, that is what he said. We are far from a conventional couple. I do not behave like a usual wife does and he used to say he was lucky choosing me. I do not mind him going play golf or drink with his buddies. We have no kids, too. He had just started working as a full time two years ago and got more realistic about his life. At age 41, at first time in his life, he started to feel a social pressure. He wants his wife to take care of him. Financial pressure also gets big when I quit working last year. This is first time I do not work and the financial situation gives him a biggest pressure in his life.

Last night I asked him if there is any chance he wants to work on this marriage. He avoided a definite answer but I felt it more like NO. He said we should not be in a hurry to do anything yet. First we both should focus on our career, he said. He is very comfortable with me but seems determined to move forward. I could see his pain in letting this relationship end. He is very worried about me, too. He often says if he cannot find an ideal wife he'd rather stay single since marriage and women are trouble.

"We are like a very loving old couple. We get along very well but there is just no sex", that was what he said about us. I wish if we could rekindle the romance since we are such a good match except for sexual intimacy. But sex is an important part of marriage and our issue cannot be resolved unless both parties are committed to face it and at this moment I do not see his motivation. It seems that he wants to avoid touching the issue and move on to his soul search.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 12:15pm

I must confess you are in quite the predicament. Especially since he is not to keen on the idea of counseling (but this is fairly typical for people with degree's in psychology, they think that they can analyze themselves better than an unbiased expert, problem is we only see what we want to see). And I think that it's admirable that you are still willing to try to continue with the marriage even after all that has happened. I just hope you are really ready to deal with the potential of not having this relationship anymore so it is not the main thing affecting your judgment.

As far as I can tell you have more or less done everything you can to save your marriage. The ball is basically in his court now, the only thing you can do is re-assure him that you are willing to try (not too much though, you don’t want to seem pushy).

I think the best thing you can do now is take good care of yourself. Try to get out and do things you enjoy and make you feel good about yourself. One thing I stress to allot of people when they are down is that if they don’t exercise to START. Come up with a routine and a schedule and start doing it and sticking to it... allot of gyms have special consultations to help you asses your goals, identify your weaknesses, and even help you find workarounds for disabilities if you have any. Now you might think to yourself "How on earth can THAT be any help?" Well the fact of the matter is. The better shape you are in the better you feel, even just going through the workout and having the feeling of exhaustion and muscle ache feels good(at least it does to me) in its own way. Not to mention the sense of accomplishment knowing that you are genuinely pushing yourself to improve. Another added bonus is that when you get into better shape it will make you look sexier, when you start to look sexier you will feel sexier, and when you feel sexier you will *BE* sexier. And there is nothing better for your ego or your libido than feeling sexy. And being sexier can only help your chances with your husband, and even if it doesn't and your marriage comes to an end anyway. Your newfound confidence will help you out in the world on your own, not just through dating but with everything, feeling good about yourself transfers into everything you do. And your exercise routine gives you something besides work to focus on when you are not in a relationship.

So there is my little bit of insight, some may feel it's not for them and that’s ok. And while this is a mans perspective on how he may handle a situation like yours, and yes men and women are very different, but I believe that in this context we are basically the same. But I could be wrong.

Whatever happens I hope it turns out OK in the end!

-K

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 4:51pm

I would say that there is a little bit of a mid-life crisis going on here too. He's in his fourties now, has been forced to "settle down" is faced with getting older, and is reevaluating what is happening in his life. He's unhappy, possibly with what he has or hasn't achieved in his life to date, has had a fling with a younger woman, and is still trying to decide whether or not he wants to remain in the relationship that he is now in. It may not even be about the sex as much as it is about who he is right now and where he sees himself going with his life. I was interested to hear that the g/f could not wait for him any longer - clearly he took a very long time to make the decision to leave you and really only did that when he lost the g/f.

He talks about being a "old loving couple" and how that has stifled your sexual relationship; I'm not convinced that's a terribly good reason. After 17 years of marriage one would expect a couple to "feel" like an old married couple. I imagine that if he spent 17 years with the g/f that they would begin to feel like an old loving married couple as well.

Unfortunately there isn't a lot that you can do. This is about him woking through his issues and making a decision for himself (that unfortunately affects you both). Keep talking to him, tell him that you are willing to try to make the relationship work and to reevaluate and work at the sexual relationship. Again, you want to make this clear to him, but you do not want to nag him about this and repeated it too many times otherwise it sounds desperate and annoying which will only have a negative effect. Do not try to figure out what he is thinking and do not "go out of your way" to do what he wants. If it does fall apart you will only feel used.

Good luck. He may yet decide that working on the marriage is better than throwing it away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 6:19pm

Thank you for your encouragement!

Yes. Physical work really helps me feel good about myself. Mind and body are deeply connected! I start Yoga and walking and am going to make those activities as more like a regular routine. I want my muscle to get tighter so that I can kick him really hard:) just kidding.

I am too tired to wait for him. I think I tried hard enough. I had terrible days and nights blaming myself but now I want to stop that. Life outside looks brighter to me now. Thanks for your practical advice. I will keep on exercising. Maybe I might run into a nicer guy there. Who knows?

I really believe in what you say:
whatever happens it turns out OK in the end!

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 8:27pm

You are absolutely right about his MLC.

Before I found this board, I was checking with MLC sites, read a book about it and was 100% convinced that my H having a really bad MLC. Many of the descriptions exactly matched and I was glad to find it out. However knowing that he has his MLC did not relieve me from the pain. The book says there is nothing you can do about your H’s MLC and living like that with no way out was really hard for me.

I tried to behave indifferently in front of him as my MLC book suggested but could not hold my emotions and anger sometime. I did or said something to intentionally hurt my H but I was the one even more hurt. The realization that my H is no longer in love with me was devastating. I took his love for granted and the pain was too intense. Eventually I realized that I have not accommodated his emotional and sexual needs for too long and that was a major reason. I blamed myself badly and finally turned to this board seeking for a help desperately.

When his g/f left him for her ex b/f, he called her in the midnight and talked with her for over two hours in his garage outside. Next morning again they talked for another two hours or so. He tried to get her back but his efforts did not succeed. She returned to her ex who were available to her when she needs somebody. He got upset, sad and hurt. He said he really fell in love with her. I was deeply hurt by him telling this to me. I cried really hard in my bathroom. He came into the room and hold me tight, saying “Do not worry, I am with you. She is gone”.

Now that his g/f left him and they do not call each other, it seems that he started to calm down a little bit. We got back to our normal life and it seems nothing ever happened. We may rekindle our relationship or we may not. I do not know. However, thanks to this board, I think I transformed myself. My friends were all surprised to see my change, too. Maybe I am a simple minded but this near death experience opened up a new horizon in my life. I now feel positive about myself and even declared to my H that I can live myself without you.

Nobody knows what’s going to happen tomorrow but I am sure it will be better than today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 9:59pm

Your welcome.

Judith

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