Scared of Sex!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Scared of Sex!!!
4
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 4:45pm

Okay, I've always been very open about sex. I only have sex in relationships usually, though i have had a "buddy" or two. So here's the thing:

A few months ago i went back to a guy's house and we messed around, but didnt have sex. However, i did feel really disgusted with myself afterwards because for the first time in my life i actually had the thought "maybe, he'll like me now". Obviously, i know this is pathetic, which is what made feel horrible. I'm still having trouble getting over the idiot though. Then I dated a guy and had sex a couple times, but i was pretty much ok (though I couldn't open up emotionally, like i usually do).

Well, my ex and i roommates and he recently started trying to get back together with me, which i know would be a good idea, cuz i know he'll do better than a few years ago and we do have two children, so there are other benefits besides companionship. Now when i moved in, we would have the occasional dry-spell ender and i would be fine. Now, he's trying very hard to be good to me, and i've been trying really hard to work at it too. I'd been waiting to have sex again because i didn't feel ready, but last week, I felt like i was. the major problem is that, first, i couldn't get turned on until he went down on me. then during the actual sex, he would move his shoulder a certain way, or i would feel his moustache on my face, and IT FREAKED ME OUT. the really weird thing is that i still managed to orgasm. Still, afterwards, I burst into tears, because I was so scared. I mean it was akin to the fear a friend once described about having sex again after her rape. She knew she was safe, but still had horrible flashbacks.

I really don't know what's holding me back. Is it the fear of being used again, like I was by that other guy (who by the way, managed to toy with my emotions for two months, and kind of still is) or am i becoming frigid? I really need any advice you can give me, because I still have an active libido and would like to act on it with someone other than myself. How do I get over this fear, or at least how do I have sex without freaking out again?
-Jillian

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 5:54pm

I'm a little confused about some parts of your story so I might go off on the wrong tangent here.

In my opinion you might have thought that it was the right time to have sex with the ex but I don't think that you've really resolved things with him if you are not getting turned on and found the whole experience unpleasant. Sure, your body can respond to physical stimulation and you can have an orgasm but your brain and emotions weren't ready for the intimacy. I get this feeling that you are using sex to get what you want or to get what you think that you want. I know that you say that the idea of using sex to make someone like you makes you feel horrible, but I wonder why you feel so horrible about it? Perhaps it's because you *are* doing what you say you don't want to do?

Frankly I think that you should reconsider this whole getting back together with the ex. It sounds like a very strange situation that you are in with him. Roommates? I think that you should move out and have some time to yourself. If you are living with him you are too close to him to get some perspective on the whole thing.

This other guy? Well, I don't think that he's toyed with your emotions. I think that you have let him do that. You fooled around with him but didn't have sex. Sounds to me like he's pursued you hoping that something would work itself out. In the meantime, you've been living with your ex and had something happening there with him. Are you sure that this thing with the ex didn't stuff up whatever what happening or could have happened with the other guy? Is it him to blame or is it your fault for trying to juggle him and your ex at the same time? Whatever it is, you sound like you are saying one thing and wanting another. I think that you need to get out of the situation and take some time out to get your head straight. Forget about the ex at the moment. Forget about having sex. Learn to masturbate for a while - it won't kill you and will probably do you a world of good by keeping you away from complicated sexual relationships for a time.

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 5:59pm

no sense in beating yourself up over sleeping with people and having feelings for them. rejection never feels good, that is why some people wait to get physically intimate.

you don't seem like the type to be able to have a sex buddy. why not be honest with yourself? yes, it sucks to be horny without a partner, or even want affection and not get it. but until you stop entangling yourself with relationships that can lead nowhere you won't be able to find a healthy long term thing.

have you considered going through a period of celibacy. sometimes that works to get emotional clarity.

and if there is anything salvagable with the father of your children, i recommend exploring that.

as for getting emotional during sex -- sometimes when we keep emotions bottled up they will come out during sex. sounds like you have been trying to separate feelings from sex and it's not really working for you. so stop trying to do that.

i also encourage you to do something that will build your self-confidence -- work, school, etc. you sound a bit raw, vulnerable, confused...give yourself some space to deal with things and try to work on developing a better sense of self, before jumping into another heartbreaker. the other person can't give you a sense of self-worth you must provide that for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 8:30pm

Yeah you misunderstood. I've never used sex as a weapon. And I wasn't juggling either of them. The bad guy wasn't pursuing me, I was pursuing him, and he would send me mixed messages, which left me in limbo. I really liked this guy a lot.

My ex and I have been roommates for awhile and it was working just fine. I want to be with him. It wsa my inability to get over the first guy that was hindering it, because I DO want to be with him. The problem is that I feel very broken and vulnerable by what this other guy did/didn't do. I don't want to go into all the gory details, but suffice it to say that i basically opened my heart to him and he was cruel in his way of rejecting me.

That's why I'm bothered. If it was that I simply didn't want to have sex or was using it as a way to get what i want, I don't think I'd be utterly frightened of it. I view sex as intimate and best when there's real emotion involved, which is the exact reason I didn;t have sex with the other guy. I've never had a problem if i wanted to have it. Now I want to have it, and express the way I feel physically with my ex/current. I just can't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 8:35pm
Good point there. Thats what a lot of ppl tell me actually. I don't have sex buddies now, I'm not like that anymore, I was trying to say that I've had them in my past and was fine. But I've been doing the celibacy thing for awhile. The sex last week was the first and last time in months. And the thing is that overall, I am pretty confident in myself. I know I'm worth someting and deserve to be treated well. My ex is doing everything to treat me well and I'm trying to reciprocate, it's my utter inability to get intimate that's bothering me. I mean, the last two people who I really opened up to made me pay dearly with a lot of heartbreak. Like I said, I know I'm safe, but I can't get past the mental block that sex is scary, which I know it isn't and shouldn't be.