Seek Advice on Becoming a Good Lover

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2007
Seek Advice on Becoming a Good Lover
8
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 12:45pm

Hello,

I am new to this forum, but I've been active in other iVillage Forums.

Anyway, I'm sexually active with my new girlfriend, which is great. However, my previous sexual experiences have been terrible and I am concerned that I am not a good lover and so want to be since my new girlfriend has a VERY healthy sex drive (she told me that she wants to make love to me everyday after our first sexual encounter), she likes having it a couple times before going to sleep and also enjoys having sex when we wake up. I've had one night stands (of course, both of us drunk) three times. Then I dated a woman for close to two years. We only had sex about a dozen times during that time period. Most of these encounters were very awkward to say the least and 90% of the time, she had to get drunk to get in the mood. She always complained that I was not good enough in bed and that she found it tiring to teach me. Most of the time I was left masturbating next to her, which helped towards the end when we had sex, I actually tired her out.

I can honestly say that I am inexperienced and that I've never really made a woman have an orgaism. I also think that I have a problem with early ejaculation, but not for sure since again, I am not that experienced and may be I just need practice. I think one of them faked it. Also, my sexual experiences have been very domineering on the part of the woman. My first sexual experience was with an older woman (she was 38 and I was 24) who I worked with at the time and again, we were both intoxicated and on other drugs (shrooms and pot). She basically attacked me throughout the night. My second sexual experience was with a lady I met at a night club in Madagascar, of course, both of us very drunk. I ejaculated right away. We did have sex the following morning with a condom (my first one I ever wore). My third sexual experience was with a lady who I went on a few dates with and I stayed over at her place during job interviews. Again, both of us drunk, and she basically attacked me, too. Then my EX who had MANY physical problems and had to have surgery every couple months, so with recovery periods, she was basically out of commission most of our relationship. When we had sex, it was awkward, again, she was drunk and I was buzzed most of the time. Also, she rarely wanted to snuggle and cuddle in bed, complaining that I was a sauna and too hot. Any time I tried caressing her body, she'd jump away from me and sleep as far away from me. All the sex was initiated by me, but she was most comfortable on top.

With my current girlfriend, we've had sex MANY times since we started dating two months ago. She loves snuggling and cuddling. She also thinks that I am too hot in bed, but we've slept in other parts of her house that are cooler since she loves being close to me and spooning throughout the night. She loves initiating sex as well as being aroused by me. But when it comes to penetration and climax, I've not been able to get her to climax. She's been patient and has great hopes that we will be great lovers. I have explained to her about my past and she seems to understand. I hope so, but I could really use some objective advice on what I can do to improve stamina, also be able to switch gears (from aggressive to light caressing, since my experience has been filled with only aggressive sex and my current girlfriend has been in light caressing moods from time to time, and she confronted me during our last sexual encounter that I was too rough at times), etc.

Also, condoms are a must right now since my girlfriend has herpes. We've had problems getting the condom on at the right time. So, any advice on improving putting condoms on would be great, too. Again, I've only worn one condom before my current girlfriend. With the other women I've had sex with, they were all on the pill, but I've learned that I should wear a condom no matter what unless intention of having kids, which my girlfriend and I do want to have some day, but not for awhile. And even then with her herpes, we may pursue artificial insemination.

Any advice?

"Carpe Diem" = "Creativity - Kindness - Loving - Beautiful - Abundant - Expanding - Receptivity"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 8:35am

Welcome to the board anthrotech.

You really have a lot of questions mixed in your message, so I will try to address each of them. If I miss something, feel free to ask again.

First off, any new sexual experience can be awkward. As far as experiences you have had with past lovers, try not to bring those into this relationship. If you fear that you are not pleasing in bed, then you will get stuck in that mindset. It sounds like your current GF is happy with the way things are going.

To learn more about ways to please her, there's a great website, www.the-clitoris.com. It has a lot of explanation about the female arousal and sexual response system. Rome wasn't built over night, so look through that site and practice some of the information you learn there. Experimenting is not only fun, it's a great way to learn about your partners body.

You will also find that very few women actually have orgasms during intercourse. That's not a goal you should be looking for right now, and you also need to realize that you can't "make" her have an orgasm. That's on her shoulders, you can only aid her it reaching that goal.

Never having worn a condom myself, I can't really give you much advice there. The basics of when you need it are pretty well self-explanatory. If you want to incorporate putting the condom on into your sex, try having her put it on you. If you are worried about contracting herpes from her, you can also use a dental dam or saran wrap during oral sex (on her).

Hopefully you will find some good basic advice when you read the recommended site. After experimenting, feel free to come back for more specific advice. I think you'll find the members here are happy to share what has worked for them.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 2:59pm

Hello,

Thanks so much for your insightful and thoughtful reply.

Great advice and resources you've provided.

The biggest issue I need to get over is my past. I have to stop thinking of my past lovers and experiences as excuses, which I know is causing some tension in me, which she no doubt feels as well.

Practice...practice...practice...as the old saying goes. And she's willing to do that. She told me this morning after we made love that all she wants to do this weekend is make love as much as possible at the cabin we're staying at...to give both of us practice. I can't really complain. While our relationship is new and all, it's very satisfying to be with a woman who seemingly has a High Libido (HL) - (wanting sex multiple times a day) and seems to be patient about getting her needs satisfied. :)

I'll definitely check out that Web site today on my break and try some of the things provided. :)

Thanks again for your reply! :)

"Carpe Diem" = "Creativity - Kindness - Loving - Beautiful - Abundant - Expanding - Receptivity"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 3:16pm

Yes, you have got a lot of questions.

Although it's difficult, bringing your past experiences into the bedroom isn't helping you. You need to start off fresh and begin from square one again in many ways. Taking your time and not rushing things is a good place to start. Kissing, caressing and taking your time can help.

As already mentioned, it's not really up to you to "give" a woman an orgasm. You're there to help. Ultimately her orgasm is up to her. The website that you've been given is pretty good. That will help. The only advice I've got is to keep an open mind while having sex. You have to learn what your g/f likes and you have to get into tune with her responses and find out what pushes her buttons and what doesn't. Don't treat her like a science experiment though!

If you are still using drugs, get off them. Drugs and alcohol can change your natural sexual responses dramatically. Being nervous will possibly make you take a long time to orgasm too. Practice makes perfect in that respect. As you become more comfortable with her and with sex you'll overcome that problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 4:20pm

Thanks for the advice and support.

"If you are still using drugs, get off them. Drugs and alcohol can change your natural sexual responses dramatically. Being nervous will possibly make you take a long time to orgasm too. Practice makes perfect in that respect. As you become more comfortable with her and with sex you'll overcome that problem."

I've been off drugs for five years now, and only drink occasionally. With my current girlfriend, there's only been once or twice that we've drank before sex, and it was nothing, like a beer or two. Neither of us feel the need to drink to lose our inhibitions, unlike my past lovers and relationships. We are naturally attracted to each other, which is great. :)

In terms of the foreplay stuff, I'm not too bad at that...just need to work on may be taking that slower and getting full enjoyment out of each other, and not getting so self-conscious about the later "acts." :) Also, need to find healthy foreplay with my current girlfriend having herpes and all. The advice provided so far is great though. I'll have to talk with my girlfriend and see if she would enjoy more oral stimulation and if so, find safe ways to do that.

Good stuff.

Thanks.

"Carpe Diem" = "Creativity - Kindness - Loving - Beautiful - Abundant - Expanding - Receptivity"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 11:03pm

Hello All,

Thanks again for everyone's advice.

I've been experimenting with more foreplay, including caressing and massaging her Clitoral Glans. She's been masturbating when she's on top. She seems to be getting off more in the past few love making sessions. She told me that she's a little cautious with sharing what really turns her on, but she's been opening up more. She's been guiding my hands over areas of her body that turn her on. She also told me that she was close to climaxing a few love making sessions ago, but that I ejaculated too soon. So, probably a matter of time.

We actually made love on a hammock this past weekend while camping. It was so cool, although a little scary! :)

Anyway, I know it will take more time to learn about each other's desires. But for now, we're having a lot of fun and we definitely seem to have matched libidos, we like making love multiple times a day, more the better. :) We even made love after climbing a 14er that involved 12 hours of hiking and climbing. :)

Take care.




Edited 7/10/2007 11:08 pm ET by anthrotech
"Carpe Diem" = "Creativity - Kindness - Loving - Beautiful - Abundant - Expanding - Receptivity"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 5:20am

Hi there,

You've been given some good advice already, but I just wanted to share a couple of links on Herpes and oral sex:

Can I Pass on Herpes During Oral Sex?
http://health.ivillage.com/gynostds/gherpes/0,,psdv,00.html?ice=iv|wb|stdshc,expertadvice

Partner with Genital Herpes
http://health.ivillage.com/gynostds/gherpes/0,,4qdr,00.html

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:07pm

Hello All,

Just a quick thanks to those who responded.

While I did not check out all the resources posted, I did take advice provided to heart, and things are going REALLY well. My GF has had a few orgasms in the past couple weeks. She's opened and told me more about what turns her on, which has been successful. Just takes practice. :)

Thanks again.

"Carpe Diem" = "Creativity - Kindness - Loving - Beautiful - Abundant - Expanding - Receptivity"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:34pm
Thanks for the update! It's great to hear that things are going well ;-)


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