selfish boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2008
selfish boyfriend
10
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 12:00pm

My boyfriend is very selfish in bed. He has never asked me if i have had an orgasm.


So, being 45 yrs old, it does not happen very easily. Alot of the time, I do not get


what I need and most of the time I do not have an orgasm. So, I am not being


sexually satisfied. Many many times, I will take care of just him for the night. I feel


its what I should and need to do. But I get so hurt because he never does that for


me, ever, and I love sex like that. So between the two, it makes me nuts. What should


I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 12:46pm

Welcome to the board, beachgrl.

I would talk to him, outside of the bedroom. Let him know that you're feeling frustrated. It's more difficult for women to orgasm, in general, so if you don't want to make him feel badly or start an argument, you can approach the topic from that stance.

Let him know that you need more, without being accusatory that it's his fault that you're not getting what you need. In the end, we are each responsible for our own orgasm, so that is really a good approach to take.

Suggest ways to help you get there. They can be presented as ways to spice up your sex life. Incorporating more foreplay, bringing sex toys into the act, and adding afterplay are all ways that can help you feel more satisfied. You can also work on different positions that help him last longer, or add more to the act than just him going for his.

Here are some articles you might find helpful:

Speak Up! Ask Him for What You Want
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,7ffztdxn,00.html

How can I get my guy to listen?
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,guystellall_9nmljwsn,00.html

Four Positions for Better Orgasm
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextechnique/0,,pb47,00.html

Make Him Crave You
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsunderstandmen/whathewants/0,,hp6c,00.html

Keep us posted on how it's going.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 12:58pm

This is advice from a guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 2:11pm

Why do you feel you need and should do that for him? You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. How long have you been together? And has he always been like this?


I agree you need to talk to him outside of the bedroom. If he doesn't listen, then you need to decide if you want to go the rest of your life like that or not.

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28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2008
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 2:21pm

We have been together for 3 years. He is 45, as I am. I have told him many times


but has ignored me. So then it has even made us fight, because I get hurt that he


does not care. So now mentally, because he does not ask or make sure that I do, or


give me enough time. I can't ask or tell him, or make myself have one. After we have sex


he just rolls over and goes to sleep. Never says anythine either, ever. I have aske also


a thousand times,what I like and need. Like I like talking dirty, and I need that to have


an orgasm, but he doesn't. I just don't understand why. and there are some things that


he just refuses to do and when. There is not one thing that I refuse to give him. There are


things that I don't like doing or hate, but I do it cuz I love him, and I want to make him


happy and satisfy him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 2:31pm

Time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2008
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 3:01pm

I have been with him for 3 years, and yes he has been like this since day


one. I feel though that I have to treat him well, two wrongs don't make a


right. But then i resent him, and going to hate him eventually. Not sure how


to tell him. He has ignored the things that I have asked for, All he ever says


is he will try, but he never seems to. Is it being selfish on my part? How can


you be happy if your not satisfied sexually? I am a very sexual person, I like


sex more often and alot longer than he does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 4:42pm

It does sound like your guy has some selfish things going on, but you are the one allowing the situation to continue. It seems there are some other unhealthy issues too.



"Like I like talking dirty, and I need that to have an orgasm, but he doesn't."



It's okay to like dirty talk, but it's not the sort of thing you can expect someone to do if they're not comfortable with it. You can ask, he can try, but it can take time. Why do you need dirty talk to have an orgasm? That is something you could work on changing for your own benefit.



"There is not one thing that I refuse to give him. There are things that I don't like doing or hate, but I do it cuz I love him, and I want to make him happy and satisfy him. I would never want him to turn to another women for something I refuse to give him.



In a healthy relationship, you should be able to compromise about the things that you do sexually. Not all people have the same wants or needs, likes or dislikes. Some things are negotiable if you don't particularly care for them, but you shouldn't be doing something that you don't want to do. That's what causes the resentment. In a healthy relationship, you wouldn't fear that he would turn to another women. Thinking those types of thoughts can lead you to feeling resentment toward him -- yet they're your thoughts, not necessarily a reality.



Do you think there's a possibility that he would go to counseling with you in an effort to move your relationship in a healthy direction? A counselor will be able to help both of you with communicating your wants and needs, and will be able to offer healthy ways to address any conflict you may have over issues.



If he's not willing to go, you can still benefit from going on your own. Often, you will be able to sort your own thoughts out, put things into perspective and learn ways to address the situation in a healthy way.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 8:44pm

Hello beachgrl....I am Mrs P.


I think that if he ignores you, doesn't satisfy you sexually and refuses to provide you with sexual pleasure you need ... move on.


You deserve so much more, you deserve to be happy, to be loved and to be satisfied.


Don't limit yourself like this.


You only get one life.


Live it!








466812320_8fab5f0a2c.jpg picture by mrspe2007


“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything.”


Katharine Hepburn



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Mrs P

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2008
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 11:19pm

Oh, what a sad story.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 02-16-2008 - 12:16am

You don't get respect because you don't respect yourself.