selfish boyfriend
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selfish boyfriend
| Fri, 02-15-2008 - 12:00pm |
My boyfriend is very selfish in bed. He has never asked me if i have had an orgasm.
So, being 45 yrs old, it does not happen very easily. Alot of the time, I do not get
what I need and most of the time I do not have an orgasm. So, I am not being
sexually satisfied. Many many times, I will take care of just him for the night. I feel
its what I should and need to do. But I get so hurt because he never does that for
me, ever, and I love sex like that. So between the two, it makes me nuts. What should
I do?

Welcome to the board, beachgrl.
I would talk to him, outside of the bedroom. Let him know that you're feeling frustrated. It's more difficult for women to orgasm, in general, so if you don't want to make him feel badly or start an argument, you can approach the topic from that stance.
Let him know that you need more, without being accusatory that it's his fault that you're not getting what you need. In the end, we are each responsible for our own orgasm, so that is really a good approach to take.
Suggest ways to help you get there. They can be presented as ways to spice up your sex life. Incorporating more foreplay, bringing sex toys into the act, and adding afterplay are all ways that can help you feel more satisfied. You can also work on different positions that help him last longer, or add more to the act than just him going for his.
Here are some articles you might find helpful:
Speak Up! Ask Him for What You Want
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,7ffztdxn,00.html
How can I get my guy to listen?
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,guystellall_9nmljwsn,00.html
Four Positions for Better Orgasm
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextechnique/0,,pb47,00.html
Make Him Crave You
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsunderstandmen/whathewants/0,,hp6c,00.html
Keep us posted on how it's going.
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This is advice from a guy.
Why do you feel you need and should do that for him? You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. How long have you been together? And has he always been like this?
I agree you need to talk to him outside of the bedroom. If he doesn't listen, then you need to decide if you want to go the rest of your life like that or not.
We have been together for 3 years. He is 45, as I am. I have told him many times
but has ignored me. So then it has even made us fight, because I get hurt that he
does not care. So now mentally, because he does not ask or make sure that I do, or
give me enough time. I can't ask or tell him, or make myself have one. After we have sex
he just rolls over and goes to sleep. Never says anythine either, ever. I have aske also
a thousand times,what I like and need. Like I like talking dirty, and I need that to have
an orgasm, but he doesn't. I just don't understand why. and there are some things that
he just refuses to do and when. There is not one thing that I refuse to give him. There are
things that I don't like doing or hate, but I do it cuz I love him, and I want to make him
happy and satisfy him.
Time to move on.
I have been with him for 3 years, and yes he has been like this since day
one. I feel though that I have to treat him well, two wrongs don't make a
right. But then i resent him, and going to hate him eventually. Not sure how
to tell him. He has ignored the things that I have asked for, All he ever says
is he will try, but he never seems to. Is it being selfish on my part? How can
you be happy if your not satisfied sexually? I am a very sexual person, I like
sex more often and alot longer than he does.
It does sound like your guy has some selfish things going on, but you are the one allowing the situation to continue. It seems there are some other unhealthy issues too.
"Like I like talking dirty, and I need that to have an orgasm, but he doesn't."
It's okay to like dirty talk, but it's not the sort of thing you can expect someone to do if they're not comfortable with it. You can ask, he can try, but it can take time. Why do you need dirty talk to have an orgasm? That is something you could work on changing for your own benefit.
"There is not one thing that I refuse to give him. There are things that I don't like doing or hate, but I do it cuz I love him, and I want to make him happy and satisfy him. I would never want him to turn to another women for something I refuse to give him.
In a healthy relationship, you should be able to compromise about the things that you do sexually. Not all people have the same wants or needs, likes or dislikes. Some things are negotiable if you don't particularly care for them, but you shouldn't be doing something that you don't want to do. That's what causes the resentment. In a healthy relationship, you wouldn't fear that he would turn to another women. Thinking those types of thoughts can lead you to feeling resentment toward him -- yet they're your thoughts, not necessarily a reality.
Do you think there's a possibility that he would go to counseling with you in an effort to move your relationship in a healthy direction? A counselor will be able to help both of you with communicating your wants and needs, and will be able to offer healthy ways to address any conflict you may have over issues.
If he's not willing to go, you can still benefit from going on your own. Often, you will be able to sort your own thoughts out, put things into perspective and learn ways to address the situation in a healthy way.
Visit me on my boards
Let's Talk Toys
Let's Talk About Sex
~ visit my partners in the siggy exchange ~
Dealing with In-Laws ~ Renewing Your Vows
Click here to fill your Sweet Tooth!
(no calories!)
Hello beachgrl....I am Mrs P.
I think that if he ignores you, doesn't satisfy you sexually and refuses to provide you with sexual pleasure you need ... move on.
You deserve so much more, you deserve to be happy, to be loved and to be satisfied.
Don't limit yourself like this.
You only get one life.
Live it!
“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything.”
Katharine Hepburn
Mrs P
Oh, what a sad story.
You don't get respect because you don't respect yourself.