Selfish Lover?
Find a Conversation
Selfish Lover?
| Fri, 12-30-2005 - 7:36pm |
I am so frustrated with my boyfriend I don't know what to do. We've been together for 2 yrs. I've always known he does not like to use his hands on me, only oral, and only oral in a postition that HE likes (him laying down, me over him). He also doesn't like oral on him (he's only allowed me to do it maybe 4 times and I would love to do it more) and he doesn't let me use my hands (he'll actually lose his erection, which is hard to maintain anyway). He's strictly intercourse. I do take longer to orgasm with a man's hand, but for the most part, I like it better. I like oral too, but it's nice to have some variety, especially the position. He's done it a couple times where I'm laying down and he's between my legs, but he generally stops after about 5-10 min and claims his back is hurting so I need to be on top. Last night, as always, he wanted me on top. I just wasn't into it and after about 10 min, I stopped him. This was the first time I'd stopped him but immediately he thought I wasn't attracted to him anymore (which isn't the case). I also explained to him I was tired and that we can try again tomorrow. So today he's over and I'm really in the mood. He starts touching me on my chest and we end up in my room. He starts touching me for maybe 1 min and I feel like I'm really close to orgasm, that's how turned on I was, then he stops and tells me to "get on top". I tell him, in a sexy (not demanding) voice to keep going and that I'm loving it. His response is, "I don't want to". Ouch! I was stunned. I laid there for a minute in disbelief then slowly started to get dressed and left the room. At this point he's mad at me asking me what I'm doing. I told him he was a selfish lover. I said to him, "how would you like it if I told you how to orgasm each time and in what position, and the same position every time. It is my body and I know what I like and I was really enjoying what you were doing, that I was about to orgasm and you totally ruined the moment". He got mad and left and I haven't heard from him since (that was a few hrs ago). Any thoughts?

The two of you have to sit down and talk about your sex life outside of the bedroom, not in the heat of the moment.
I agree with Tish. You don't get into a debate about positions or techniques in the middle of sex! Of course his nose is out of joint!
Out of the bedroom, at a quiet time, NOT while watching TV......you open a conversation about what YOU like in bed......it's called communication. You don't argue, you don't make demands, you just express your feelings. If he doesn't get it then, he's a lost cause.
Stuff it. I think that you did the right thing. The time and place may not have been the best - as the others have said, right during sex ain't usually the best time to raise these issues, but at least they got raised and he knows what's going on.
I'd sit him down outside the bedroom next time you see him and tell him what the problem is. Don't blow it out of proportion, do explain yourself, and keep it simple. By all means tell him that what he wants has made you feel like he's demanding what he wants when he wants it without consideration for your wants and desires at the time - and that's what made you say that he was selfish. Follow up by reassuring him that you still do find him attractive, that he turns you on, and that when things are going well he's awesome in bed.
Be gentle to begin with. I think that there is more to this than it simply being a matter of him being selfish. There might be some hangups here.
Since yesterday he did come back and told me he was sorry and that he understands. Not sure if it made a difference, but at least it's a start. :)
If you've talked to him, told him what you need/want and he still doesn't compromise and do things that work for you and the both of you, then he's either a selfish lover or he has some sort of hang-ups about doing what you enjoy.
Ummmmm....why should you care if you hear from him again or not if he's unwilling to communicate and try and please you? All you can do is try to impress on him how important this is to you. It's up to him to be willing to hear it and ACT on it though.
Seriously, he sounds like a spoiled brat or a control freak to me. As Dr. Phil likes to say, if this relationship is costing more than you want to give, then it may be time to move on.
Edited 12/31/2005 6:43 pm ET by katmandoo2001