Separated sex?
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Separated sex?
| Thu, 04-21-2005 - 8:58am |
Okay, this one I remember reading from another message board and just had to hear the opinions here, cause I KNOW they're here, lol.
Is it bad or okay to have sex with someone else while you're separated?

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Depends on your definition of separated.
And if that definition doesn't include sex with other people, why on earth are you getting separated?
I would have thought that "being separated" is the label you use to describe living your life as a single independant "non-married" person while you are waiting for the legal, formal process of ending the marriage to catch up and turn you into a single independant "non-married" person.
Good question.
I think if both parties have agreed that divorce is imminent (i.e. just waiting on paperwork, etc) that its often acceptable; if "separated" means simply "the final steep before divorce". Because you are divorced in spirit, just not legally.
But if the separation is a "trial period" or a break to see what you want, etc, then not only is it wrong, but it can be damaging ... how can you get your head together if you're confusing the situation with outside influences?
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.
>>If it's a trial separation,...<<
So what's the point? Why call it a trial separation at all? I'm not sure that I see the reasoning behind a trial separation and not having sex with other people if it happens. I'm not advocating that a person race out on the first day of being separated and have sex with other people, but surely if it happens, it happens?
I guess that it doesn't really matter what's in the name. It would have to be something that the two of you talk about and agree upon as one of the rules of the separation.
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I think it's up to each couple to decide individually, according to their situation. IMO, there isn't one blanket decison that would cover all circumstances. I dunno, if a couple separates for *whatever* reason, but meets someone in the interim that they get along with, should they wait another 6-12 months for a divorce decree to be issued? Should they be able to have sex as a consenting adult? Do they have to ask their separated spouse's permission to see someone? What if they agree 'No sex with others' but there are still issues and they meet someone who is great? What if one hopes for reconciliation but the other really doesn't?
Everyone has to decide that for themselves.
When I met DH, he was separated, not divorced. I don't think either one of them had any hopes or desires to reconcile, it was a hasty, not very well thought out marriage. And yes, we had sex. He'd been separated for 1 month when we met and we had sex about a month after that. The divorce papers arrived soon after that. I had nothing to do with the separation or decision to divorce, even his ex has assured me of that. There was no chance in a million years that they ever would have made it work.
>>therefore it is considered adultery.<<
I can see that being a legal more than a practical issue in most cases. I would have thought that by the time a husband or a wife starts having sex with a third person that the marriage is more than likely over. In which case the adultery is only a legal matter for lawyers to fight over and to be used as ammo in the divorce settlement.
It depends on the status of the couple....are they married, or living together in a "pseudo" marriage? Are they separated pending an upcoming divorce, or are they separated in hopes of repairing the relationship?
Legally, it's adultry, and if there's a divorce in the works, it can be used against you. My divoce lawyer advised me not to even go out to dinner with a man in public. My ex was the type that didn't want me, but felt he owned me...and WOULD have used it against me, even though he'd been cheating for 19 of the 20 years we were married.
Morally, it depends on each persons morals. If they hope to get back together, then it would be wrong. If the separation is in preparation for a divorce, and you meet someone who seems to be right for you.....why not?
It also depends on what a person considers "separated". I met a guy who said he was "legally separated" because of religion. When I questioned him about it.....since NO religion forbids divorce, but some forbid re-marriage, he admitted that it wasn't "legal", it was just "separate bedrooms". That seemed a little fishy to me.....and eventually I realized that he was only available when SHE was working, or he had some other excuse to be out (he travelled on his job and she didn't seem to have a clue about his schedule!) In other words, they might have had separate bedrooms, but he was cheating on her.
In general, I don't think a person who's separated and waiting for a divorce is ready for a new relationship until they get their head together.....otherwise, the new relationship is just a rebound.....particularly if they've been "dumped". Now they have to prove to themselves that they're "worthy"....and just because the other person didn't want them, they need to know that SOMEONE wants them. They might regret that impulsive move in the future. It's the old "frying pan into the fire" story.
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