sex after divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
sex after divorce
5
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 12:31pm
I have recently divorced my husband of six years I really loved him but he had issues. he cheated and was an alcoholic. We have only been apart for 3 weeks the divorce isnt even final yet but all i can think of is sex its driving me crazy. Should I do it or wait. I could do it with him again but I'm NOT the thought of that makes me sick after the things he has put me thru.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 2:21pm

What you're feeling is normal. Of course, you're going to miss sex and intimacy and the good times you had together. But you were obviously strong enough to get out of a destructive relationship and you should be congratulated for that.

BUT going back to someone who had no respect for you and who was obviously sick, even once, is like a dog going back to his own vomit. It's not healthy...for either of you!

Take care of yourself right now, you're vunerable. Buy some new toys to "treat" yourself with and wait until you've healed from this emotional trauma to move on with a new partner.

Surround yourself with friends and family who can support you and provide some comfort. Start exercising and making some changes for your new life....whether it's a new haircut, new wardrobe, new job, new place to live, do something positive to mark this as a fresh start for you.

This is NOT the time to make important decisions about your sex life though. You sure don't want to make the same mistake because you were careless and lonely!

Good luck for a better future ahead! Onward and upward!




Edited 2/25/2005 4:48 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 2:49pm

Do not do it with him.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 7:42pm

Don't even THINK about having sex with your ex! It just makes everything too complicated and you will feel stupid and dumb afterwards.

Two choices: Masturbate or if you don't, now is a perfect time to learn how. Buy a vibrator and some lube and have some fun by yourself while you get your emotional state together.

Second, have sex with who ever you feel like having sex with. Go to a bar, screw a long-term friend, whatever. Getting laid can be pretty easy if you want it to be.
I don't recommend this option at the moment though. And I especially don't recommend getting laid and finding yourself seeing the guy again and forming a relationship (however casual) either. You're just not emotionally ready for this - be it one-night stand casual sex or even casual relationships. Unless you can really, really handle the purely physical release of a one night stand, then it's going to cause problems and be unpleasant and awkward. It'll be something else that you will regret. Stick to option one.

Avatar for elainetwirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 4:19pm

It is a number of years since I divorced and I am very comfortable being single again, and I have a pretty satisfying sex life. However, getting to where I am now was not easy. I made just about every mistake in the process of getting to where I am now, including throwing myself at my ex and being refused by him because I was the one who had broken the marriage. That was the most stupid thing I did, and the second most stupid was to get intimate with every male who showed any interest in me.

I would agree that masturbating is probably one of the best ways of relieving the need for sexuality, and I have come to appreciate the times I am solo very much although it is very different from sex with a partner. What I like about being single is that I am my own person and can make choices for myself without, and these include who I date and how far I let a relationship go, but it does take time and you are going to need to do some experimenting.

Elaine

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 3:08am

I sounds as though you are ready to move on. Though I am not an attorney I would caution you a bit here. Granted you know your situation the best and postings are based on the information you provide. If you have children and you start having sex before the divorce it is possible this issue might surface in the proceedings. I suspect this chance of this is low but it could be used to show you as an unfit mother. It could also be used to show how you contributed to the break-up of the marriage. Especially if he goes for treatment and begins putting his life back together. Divorces can get ugly and do you want to put any potential partner being called to testify at a divorce proceeding? I suspect many potential partners do not want to get in the middle of a divorce.

The best thing to do is speak to your divorce attorney regarding this situation and what impact, if any, it could have on your case. Also I would recommend not rushing into finding someone for sex. This could prove to be detrimental to you, later (e.g. unwanted pregnancy, STDs, HIV / AIDs, low self-esteem, complicating your divorce proceedings, etc) and would say give it some time probably another 10 weeks to get through the initial emotions. The worst thing you could do is do it with your soon to be ex-husband.