Sex after an "issue"
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| Wed, 12-28-2005 - 11:19am |
My BF and I had an issue recently that involved him being "with" a stripper. I'm not sure what exactly he did with her as he only admitted to a lap dance. I found out by accident and when I first confronted him about it he didn't even admit that. It was only after having a "talk" that he would tell me that much and he wouldn't give me any details. I know a "lap dance" can entail many things.
After talking I decided to take him at his word and try to put it behind us and to trust him again and move forward with our relationship. Trust issue comes in as he never told me he was going to a strip club and then lied about what he did there.
I do find myself having body image issues. My thoughts are that he was "with" this woman who probably had an incredible body and maybe mine wouldn't measure up any more.
I just want to say that sex was never an issue for us. We both have very active lbidos and there has hardly been a time that we didn't want to have sex and we always had a great time.
Last night we went out to dinner with friends and had a lot of fun. We planned that I would stay at his place. I had decided to put the stripper issue out of my head. It would be the first time we had sex since. I just concetrated on enjoying the sex we were having. Focusing on the pleasure of the moment.
It seemd to work. But I found my BF being a little cranky (?). I ahve no rpoblem with meeting his needs. Traditionally he'll gently guide my hand to do what he wants and voice positive responses to most of my touches, etc. But last night he was almost barking at me...you're too rough, be gentler; move your arm, my head is cramped. He has never behaved this way before. I was starting to feel like I couldn't do anything right even though my technique was the same. But I blew it off and I decided to just try to have the best time possible.
This morning, however, I'm feeling that was a mistake. That obviously "something" was bothering him. Obviously, when I speak to him tonight, I'll ask if everything was OK last night and tell him why I'm asking.
But I guess what I'm looking for here is some ideas or thoughts as to whether or not this may have something to do with this recent issue or just coincidence?
Also, any advice on approaching sex after settling an issue? I guess I should have psoted that question a few days earlier! ; )
Thanks.

We obviously don't know anything about your partner, his personality etc. Only you know that, so we cannot tell you if his mood had anything to do with your previous "issue". You need to talk to him and sort it out. If my partner had been that rude to me I would have stopped and asked him what the problem was right then and there.
Just a thought: how would you have reacted if your boyfriend had said he was going to a strip club? Maybe he didn't think you would react well, and so didn't want to tell you.
From what I've heard about strip clubs here in my own country, from various friends that have been to them, most of the women that are in them are nothing fantastic to look at. Having been to one myself, I honestly have to agree. You might get the odd attractive one. Him going to a strip club had nothing to do with lack of satisfaction from you. It's a bit like porn, but in the flesh. Nothing more than a fantasy. For safety reasons, a lot of places do not allow the men to touch the strippers in any way, to protect the strippers from harm.
Jan
Sex after settling an "issue"? I don't think the issue is settled. Deciding to put it out of your mind is not "settling" it. And be honest, you haven't put it out of your mind, either, because you immediately decided that his change was due to that.
Why was he different? You'll have to ask him. Sounds like he was angry, and maybe he is angry about you making a night out into an "issue". There might be a trust "issue", but you admitted you also have an insecurity problem. Do you really think he's comparing you to a stripper, and finding you lacking? He's seen other naked women before, I'm sure, and if all he was interested in was your body, that would be pretty sad. Men might enjoy things like that, but a normal man is NOT going to compare someone he cares about with a stripper.
I think you two have a lot more talking to do. Nothing has really been settled.
<<...because you immediately decided that his change was due to that.>>
I did not "immediately decide". I thought "perhaps" that may be the case. I drew a connection to this particular incident as it is the only thing I know of that may have caused him to act that way. And he has never behaved that way before.
<<...maybe he is angry about you making a night out into an "issue".>>
I did not have an issue with his "night out". Rather, it was that he originally never said anything about where he went ("What did you do today, dear?" "Oh, nothing.") and later lied about what he did at the club when I asked him about it ("She just sat on my lap").
He knows I have no issues with porn or strip clubs. What he didn't know was that I do draw the line at anything that involves some kind of "contact".
And I did feel the issue is settled. He appologized profusely, we talked about it at length and came to an agrreement we both can live with. My insecurities are just that. I'll admit, he has never really outwardly indicated in any way that he compares me to anyone.
But I do find it ineteresting that now he seems to be, I don't know, so critical?
Also, maybe we're both just experiencing a certain awkwardness that may naturally follow sometthing like this.
Edited 12/28/2005 3:41 pm ET by snagglepuss55