Sex after kids - does it exist?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sex after kids - does it exist?
7
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 3:00pm

I love my DH very much but ever since the baby was born, one year ago, I have wanted nothing to do with sex.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 4:11pm
Feeling sexy after giving birth is a hard thing to accomplish but it sounds like you have a very supportive husband. Have you told him how you feel? He sounds like he loves you no matter what you may look like now, remember that we all see ourselves differently, he may see you as the sexiest thing alive and is being sencere when he says you are beautiful and it's love that counts. Believe him when he compilments you. Believe in yourself. Try surprising him with a romantic night, candles the whole bit. Wear something really sexy, which will help you to feel sexy and give it your all and you just may surprise yourself. Mind over matter as they say. You say you love him, then give it a good old fashioned try!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 4:31pm
What might help is to do things outside of the bedroom that make you feel sexy. For instance, kiss him passionately; straddle him while he's sitting and kiss him and grind yourself on his knee; caress each other(feel each other up ;-)) whenever you can. These things will make you feel sexy and connected to him. It's foreplay which lasts for hours. ;-) You'll FEEL how much he wants you and in the interim, you'll be turning yourself on. Don't alienate your husband...push yourself to stay connected physically.


Edited 5/18/2005 4:33 pm ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 4:50pm

Hi Michelle -


First, your daughter is beautiful! All of the kids are!


Second, I wanted to share a few links with you to help you know that you are not alone - and that can hopefully help you out a little bit!



  • The idea that being a mother (especially just after giving birth) is going to affect your marriage/sex life is VERY common. We just had our Love Council give their views on "Perfectionist Motherhood" - they give their opinions on how to get through it all while staying close with your spouse.

  • You might also get some great information reading our Clashing Libidos board.

iVillage

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 5:33pm

Part of this is hormonal and part of it is your own expectations about your body but we can all relate, I'm sure. I know how I felt after giving birth both times and it's hard.

But give yourself a few more months (it can take up to 18 mos. to fully recover from childbirth) and take care of yourself physically and emotionally and you'll get through it.

Sometimes, though, you just have to grit your teeth and do it even when you can't get into it physically. Look at it as an investment in your future happiness together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 6:04pm

Wow, what beautiful children you have! And judging by the picture of yourself, you are beautiful and do not appear to be overweight.

I'm the kind of person who gets in and fixes the problem if possible. However, there are some limitations that you will need to be aware of. For example, being pregnant pushed my rib-cage out wider - and also my hips. So - no matter how much weight I loose, I will always be one size bigger post childbirth. So, while I do work at keeping the weight down - I'm aware of the reality that I'll never fit my pre-pregnancy clothes.

I'm wondering if you manage to find time to exercise that weight off? Getting out there to exercise will not only help the problem of your weight - but it will flood your brain with all those 'feel good' endorphins. And I'm thinking that you could really do with a dose of 'feeling good' about yourself.

good luck.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 6:57pm

Wow! What beautiful kids! You are a very attractive lady yourself. I have read the responses you have so far. It's nice to hear from positive people!

After my two children, both by c-section, my body changed. My stomach has a scar, which is two cuts across. I had one rib fan out farther than the rest and it stayed that way. The rib is only noticeable when I do not have clothes on. I have accepted these beauty marks...you see I got them from a beautiful thing...my children.

I truly understand your feelings because I went through the same thing. I thought I would never be happy with myself again. It did take me about a year and a half before I started feeling like myself again. You are so busy with the baby that you don't have time for healing yourself. Spend some time alone. Write your thoughts, feelings, etc. in a journal...it truly helps get those feelings out.

Please try to remember that our bodies change throughout life. Would you love your husband less if his body changed? Remember the love you have for each other is for the WHOLE package, beauty inside and out. In time you will get back in shape, it might not be the same shape, but it will be something you are happy with.

Thank goodness you have a wonderful loving husband. Tell him your feelings and he might be able to help you get back the pre-baby status. You are doing the right thing reaching out and asking for help.
Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 9:45pm

Hey there Mom to Sarah and Megan and Cristine and Justin! Hope the replies are helping you and anyone else out there who could benefit! Now, you're not the same one who emailed me about this topic recently, but here is what I posted about it on another part of the board:

*****************

A lurker recently emailed asking about this subject, so here's some helpful links from IVillage about resuming sex after childbirth. Everybody feel free to add your own experiences.

4 Things You Need to Know about Sex after Baby
http://parenting.ivillage.com/newborn/nmomcare/0,,43vr,00.html?iv_arrivalSA=1&iv_cobrandRef=0&iv_arrival_freq=2

Sex and Self Esteem After Birth
http://parenting.ivillage.com/newborn/nmomcare/0,,lz_9dvn,00.html

Sex after baby: Do you really have to wait?
http://parenting.ivillage.com/newborn/nmomcare/0,,midwife_9p93,00.html

Reclaim your sex life after baby
http://parenting.ivillage.com/newborn/nmomcare/0,,43z4,00.html

******************

The feelings you have are pretty similar to what my wife had before I convinced her how perfectly PERFECTLY plump she was all along. These are feelings that exist even without the result of pregnancy, so I can only imagine how that and then childbirth would be along with the extra stress/emotions/schedule that hamper romance afterwards while trying to take care of the new one each time. Hopefully the replies here and the links to the articles really do help you.

Its true, we men out there actually do need in order to feel sexy at times too, just like the other way around, so don't let a lack of sex or even a lack of feeling sexy get you down so much. When the Mrs. here had medical problems years ago that REALLY made her feel unsexy for a long stretch of time, it was the same relationship we still had outside of sex all along that really helped us. Although each couple is different, hopefully you'll find similar blessings. :)

(PS: Thank you, Corrine!)

 

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