sex and shaved legs
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| Sat, 07-16-2005 - 1:17pm |
This is going to be a very long first post - sorry.
I am a happily married woman who has a wonderful husband, generally speaking... who has gotten me to the end of my rope. My husband has a thing about me shaving in general, and I suspected even before we started dating that it would be a problem - he refuses to have sex with me if I have any kind of stubble. I gave up shaving my pubic hair, with his approval, since it was interfering with how often we had sex. You see, I have a LOT of dark, coarse hair, and it grows very quickly. I also have sensitive skin, and shaving more than every four days or so makes me bleed and get razor burn. The same goes for waxing. Now, this morning, after not having had sex for almost two weeks (and we are newlyweds), I initiated things. He immediately felt my legs to see if it was "safe" and pronounced that we would have to have sex with him from behind, since that way he wouldn't have to feel my legs against him. Now, he knows that I don't much pleasure that way, and in fact the last time we had sex the same thing happened, and he said he "owed me one".
I have tried shaving my legs on days when I think we both might be in the mood, so they would be smooth for him, but more often than not, one of us ends up not having the time/energy, and another day goes by before we want it. Of course, the problem is, by then, I have stubble. And then it's another two days at least before I can shave again. I am soooo frustrated and angry - it really makes me feel underappreciated and unwanted. Some girlfriends of mine suggested that I just withold sex for awhile, and when he got horny enough, he wouldn't care about leg hair. But I have tried this before, and we simply end up going without sex for weeks. He's got internet porn to get off when I'm not around, so I guess he figures he doesn't need it unless I'm going to shave. :-(
I have spent all morning crying about his. I have tried talking to him about this in the past, and he says he will try to get over his perfectionism, but then within a couple of weeks it's back to the same. I love my husband very much, and I know this pains him as much as it does me, especially when he sees how much it hurts me, but I'm at my wit's end. I feel like one of us should be in therapy - either him to get over it, or me to deal wth my husband not having sex with me!
Does anyone else have this problem? Do other women either have partners who aren't as particular, or do they shave every day even though it hurts their legs? I really am so confused... I've never had this problem with any men before, and to be honest, I'm a pretty hot commodity and have always had plenty of suitors. What do the men here think about this?

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No, Dh and I have no *conditions* where it is okay or not okay to have sex.
I'm not a relationship expert, but I've seen things that seem similar to this, and I've seen the results. Or maybe I'm just projecting some really sad stories onto your situation, so take it for what it is worth...but here's how I see it...
Put bluntly, he's a jerk, and you knew it and married him anyway.
Get help. Get the heck out of that relationship. Both.
Maybe after you both get to understand how life works, you can try again, but this relationship is Not Right. I'm not really sure I believe in relationship counseling with the purpose of staying together in a situation like this. It sounds to me like you are in love with your perception of what he is, rather than the real man. He doesn't understand Real Women. This isn't a real relationship at this point -- just a couple of mismatched fantasies sharing the same house.
yikes. I'm not happy with the way I expressed that, but I'm not sure diplomacy is the best way here. Good luck, you have my best wishes...
Uh, no...you aren't a happily married woman if your DH is controlling when and IF you have sex! No one partner should have total control over that decision.
But doesn't your DH have hair on HIS legs, his pubic area and his face? Doesn't he realize that YOU have to deal with stubble at times with your sensitive skin?
I would suggest that he get some counseling to find out if this extraordinary pickiness is the result of OCD or just a need to be in total control, before it destroys your marriage. This is either a means of control or he's trying to avoid sex, IMO.
Edited 7/16/2005 6:12 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
I don't know what the guy is like in other areas of his life, but it sounds more like a fetish to me than an issue of control. Basically, your being stubble-free is an essential condition if he is to get aroused. Unfortunately he may not have very much control over this . He simply can't get aroused if you are hairy and it's going to take more than tears and a few chats about it. He'll need some therapy at the least to re-train his sexual responses and triggers.
If it is a matter of control, then again, I think that he will need some therapy or at least couples counselling to work through it. Frankly being controlling over something like shaving is an usual one. Is he particular about what you wear and your appearance? What about in other areas of your life? I suppose it could all be tied up in how he wants his wife to look. He has a perception of female beauty and shaving your legs is one aspect of it.
I hate to agree with the others, but this looks like it's going only cause more and bigger problems over time. This could really endanger the marriage.
I've occasionally had the unfortunate, uncomfortable, PAINFUL experience of a single element of stubble entering my meatus and spearing my uurethral lining. But it hasn't provoked the kind on non-appreciation that you are experiencing. Maybe you could get a pair of leather chaps (chaps are crotchless) and ride him with those on. The leather would protect his delicate legs from contact with your "stubble" ;-)
Betcha dump him within 5 years if this keeps up.
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My answer is going to be a little different from the other posters because both DH and I have issues with stubble.
My DH *hates* me having stubble on my vulva. It chafes him. I hate the idea of causing him discomfort so I don't shave there.
Likewise, I *hate* having him give me oral sex if his face has stubble because it can rub me raw. I would rather go without oral sex than be chafed. I don't care if he has a beard or is freshly shaved....as long as there is no stubble. The worst gift I ever gave him was an electric shaver - they *don't* shave as close as a blade LOL
Both of us are sensitive to the other's needs and adjust our shaving habits accordingly. Mind you, I can happily go the whole winter without shaving my legs - I just wear trousers and opaque tights.
I would have suggested waxing to you, but I appreciate that your skin is sensitive to that too. Is permanent hair removal from your legs an option? If he's so concerned about stubble, I'm sure he won't object to the cost ;-)
Without getting too personal, I am wondering if this was an issue prior to marriage? If yes, why wasn't it discussed then.
My heart goes out to you because I was married to man who had no issue saying "No" whenever I wanted sex and it's a horrible way to live. Be a smart woman and don't lose yourself over this. He has an issue (or serious problem) and he has to been made aware that it is greatly affecting you and IMO, it will affect the longivity of your marriage. Good luck!
Thank you to everyone for your replies! The first thing I want to say is that, whether anyone believes it or not, my DH and I truly are happily married. I did know before we got married that this would be an issue, since we were very good friends for a couple of years before getting involved, and yes, I married him anyway. This is the ONLY thing that we cannot agree on and that is causing any sort of issues in our relationship. I tell you all this because, apart from defending my marriage, I'm affirming that getting out of the relationship is not something I see as necessary nor appropriate. I had a very bad (though very short) first marriage, and got out of it healthy and knowledgable about what I want and will and won't put up with. Ditto for my DH and his first marriage.
I had a long talk with DH yesterday about this problem, and we are going to experiment with a couple of solutions. We are systematically "measuring" his reactions to my stubble over the next couple of days to see at what point (and length) he will or won't put up with it - meaning being interested in sex or not. Then we are going to try a couple of new and different types of razors and hair removal methods. To the person who suggested electrolysis - that's a good suggestion. DH has been suggesting it for a couple of years, but we can't afford it right now, considering the amount of hair I have. DH also suggested that in winter, if I want, I could just stop shaving. His point is that the problem is the stubble, and not the hair itself.
I also explained to him that while his idea of having sex doggie-style to avoid the stubble was great for him, it didn't do me much good, and he apologized. We've got to come up with something, obviously, then sooner the better. This marriage is worth more than anything in the world to both of us, and fortunately neither one of us plans on allowing something as stupid as hair removal to ruin a good thing. I plan on showing DH this message thread/discussion so he can see the differing opinions, especially the ones about guys who are willing to put up with the hair as long as it means getting laid!!
Thanks, again, everyone.
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