sex and shaved legs
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| Sat, 07-16-2005 - 1:17pm |
This is going to be a very long first post - sorry.
I am a happily married woman who has a wonderful husband, generally speaking... who has gotten me to the end of my rope. My husband has a thing about me shaving in general, and I suspected even before we started dating that it would be a problem - he refuses to have sex with me if I have any kind of stubble. I gave up shaving my pubic hair, with his approval, since it was interfering with how often we had sex. You see, I have a LOT of dark, coarse hair, and it grows very quickly. I also have sensitive skin, and shaving more than every four days or so makes me bleed and get razor burn. The same goes for waxing. Now, this morning, after not having had sex for almost two weeks (and we are newlyweds), I initiated things. He immediately felt my legs to see if it was "safe" and pronounced that we would have to have sex with him from behind, since that way he wouldn't have to feel my legs against him. Now, he knows that I don't much pleasure that way, and in fact the last time we had sex the same thing happened, and he said he "owed me one".
I have tried shaving my legs on days when I think we both might be in the mood, so they would be smooth for him, but more often than not, one of us ends up not having the time/energy, and another day goes by before we want it. Of course, the problem is, by then, I have stubble. And then it's another two days at least before I can shave again. I am soooo frustrated and angry - it really makes me feel underappreciated and unwanted. Some girlfriends of mine suggested that I just withold sex for awhile, and when he got horny enough, he wouldn't care about leg hair. But I have tried this before, and we simply end up going without sex for weeks. He's got internet porn to get off when I'm not around, so I guess he figures he doesn't need it unless I'm going to shave. :-(
I have spent all morning crying about his. I have tried talking to him about this in the past, and he says he will try to get over his perfectionism, but then within a couple of weeks it's back to the same. I love my husband very much, and I know this pains him as much as it does me, especially when he sees how much it hurts me, but I'm at my wit's end. I feel like one of us should be in therapy - either him to get over it, or me to deal wth my husband not having sex with me!
Does anyone else have this problem? Do other women either have partners who aren't as particular, or do they shave every day even though it hurts their legs? I really am so confused... I've never had this problem with any men before, and to be honest, I'm a pretty hot commodity and have always had plenty of suitors. What do the men here think about this?

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Hi julie:
IMHO, YOU need to find out WHY your legs, or vulva need to be smooth for sex.
TALK to him away from the bedroom. He has this PHOBIA(?); SOMEWHERE IN HIS PAST SOMETHING OR PERSON TRIGGERED THIS PHOBIA.
Mac
To all
This post has been troubling me for ages, and I've finally realised why. The O/Ps partner may be suffering from hypersensitivity. My son suffers it and so do I to a degree. Only yesterday, I was at a workshop where part of the curriculum was about designing therapy strategies to assist people who are overly sensitive to sensations effecting any of the 5 senses. We were learning about people to whom normal clothing is as uncomfortable as wearing sandpaper. And people who feel a car horn as painfully as if they were hit over the head with a piece of 4x2.
I'm very sad that most posters have judged the O/P's partner as insensitive, fussy, controlling etc etc when he may be suffering real physical pain from the stubble. Where as most of us would find stubble to be a little uncomfortable, someone who is hypersensitive may feel extreme discomfort or even high levels of pain.
Just to give some examples of our different levels of sensitivity: I can't bear the feel of labels on clothing and must remove them. I not only cut them off, but I also have to unpick every stitch of nylon thread that attaches them to the clothing - where as other people don't even notice labels. I cannot wear clothes that are the slightest bit itchy. For example, wool and wool blends are totally out of the question - they drive me insane. I can only wear clothes that are soft enough for a new born baby. Again, judging by the amount of itchy clothes on sale, there are many people who this does not bother. I've also got this memory from when I was about 4. My dad had this orange fake fur in the back of the car (well, it was the 70's!) and when I touched it, I would get a reaction similar to that of fingernails on a blackboard. Thirty years later, I still vividly remember the discomfort that others would never have noticed. And I said before that I can't bear the stubble on DH's face when he gives me oral....it's not just uncomfortable - it's seriously painful to me.
Likewise my son. Our driveway has broken up over time and the tar is in lumps - and there are rocks too. When most people walk over the driveway barefoot, they feel a little discomfort - but it's nothing terrible. Where as my son (who has a high pain tolerance) feels extreme pain. You've got no idea how long it took me to teach him to touch banana!
But the weird thing is that I'm not hypersensitive to everything and neither is my son. So, it's not a blanket thing that covers *all* of our sensations of touch. Another weird thing is that my senses have gotten more extreme with age.
Anyway, some of you can probably relate to the examples of hypersensitivity that I've described - so you may have some idea of what this man could be suffering.
I think that we can all agree that when one experiences pain, they don't go back for more.....so if this man is hypersensitive, it's no surprise he's avoiding sex if there's stubble. It's not about attraction to the partner or lack there of....we're talking a real physiological condition.
I look to the future with my son who suffers this condition and it pains me to know that some will judge him as being fussy or insensitive or controlling when in reality, there is little he can do to change what he feels. However, at least he knows there is a name for this and he can justify his reactions.
Now, I don't know if the O/Ps husband has hypersensitivity, but I believe that before judging him, posters should consider that there could be a physiological condition at play here. Most of us are very fond of saying that there is no "normal" when it comes to sex....may I remind everyone that just because you react in a certain way to particular stimuli - doesn't mean that everyone will experience the same reaction.
It's very possible that you're right. He may be more hypersensitive which would cause him to be so uncomfortable with her stubble that he can't enjoy sex.
If that's the case though, then the obvious question is WHY wouldn't he try and explain how her stubble makes his skin feel rather than just avoid sex? That's only hurting both of them.
I realize that many men don't communicate as well as women, but wouldn't he have focused his explanation on the sensation on his skin so that she wouldn't misunderstand?
The poster who wrote about the hypersensitivity (I'm sorry, I can't remember your name right now) I think is right. My DH does tend to be quite sensitive about certain things. While I truly believe that a lot of it is psychological for him, it does have a physical manifestation, and as a result, he finds my stubble physically painful. Of course, he also jumps ten feet in the air when he sees a spider - LOL - but I think that could be a reaction to the way a spider feels on his skin, to be honest.
I appreciate everyone's responses! DH and I have been talking in depth about this, and are finally getting somewhere, I think!
If that's the case -and it may well be- wouldn't softer pubic hair be more comfortable or better than stubble? I realize that pubic hair varies and can be more wiry, but it's got to be softer, more cushiony, than stubble.
If the legs really bother him, he should spring for electrolysis for her legs - assuming she's willing. Even though it may be a physiological problem, expecting someone to remain completely and totally stubble free 100% of the time is a lot to ask. That's pretty much asking her to shave everything once or twice a day.
>>If that's the case -and it may well be- wouldn't softer pubic hair be more comfortable or better than stubble? I realize that pubic hair varies and can be more wiry, but it's got to be softer, more cushiony, than stubble.<<
If I remember correctly, this is exactly what the OP has done.....but (not surprisingly)she's not willing to let the leg hair grow.
>>If the legs really bother him, he should spring for electrolysis for her legs - assuming she's willing<<
Agree totally. Another thought is the strategic placement of sheets around her legs during sex.
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