sex communication problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2004
sex communication problems
3
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 11:45am

Hi there.. me and my boyfriend have been together now for six months and haven't had sex yet.. we both really want to but our main problem has been protection. Since I'm not very experienced and never have had a "real" sex life I want to be comfortable with that before going on the pill. So I know how my body works without any hormones. But he has a hard time wearing a condom, he says he doesn't feel anything.

So I want us to have a sex life with condom before I start on the pill. For him it seems like the only way to have sex is intercourse, and since we have had problems with that, we have tried and once he couldn't perform because of the condom and then I was too tight, it seems like he don't want sex at all because it still won't lead to intercourse.
I want to do other forms of sex so we get used to each other, intercourse isn't everything to me. But how do I tell him that? We have a hard time discussing sex, and it's quite hard to talk about feelings with him aswell... but besides that we have so much fun together but this little problem I think is slowly tearing our relationship.

I'm 21 and he 23. How do I bring this up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 2:20pm

When he's in a good mood and not involved in another activity, a simple and pleasant, "Honey, I'm so glad you're in a good mood, because there's something I wanted to talk with you about."

Believe it or not, I got this line from 'The Honeymooners.' But it sounds less potentially devastating than, "We need to talk." Nothing good ever follows those 4 words.

Be positive and up-spirited about it. Then he'll feel less intimidated. But he's probably going to feel intimidated any way you present it; we guys are just like that. Cushion it as best you can. Maybe buy him something, but don't make it seem too contrived, because it is a serious matter for you guys.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 3:06pm

It may be hard, but you DO need to talk to him, not only about the birth control part of it, but about everything. I see some "red flags" of "selfishness" here. He's not interested in sex unless it includes intercourse? You tried, but you were too tight? That's because of his lack of interest in anything but intercourse. All women, experienced or not, need foreplay! With enough foreplay, you will be aroused, lubricated, and NOT too tight. If he is the type who is just going to skip that, then it's never going to be "good" for you. He needs some education about how women's bodies work, and maybe you do too. Both of you need to check out all the info at www.the-clitoris.com He may be "experienced" but that doesn't mean he knows anything about how to give a woman pleasure. If he doesn't care about YOUR pleasure, then he's selfish. If he doesn't like condoms (and many men don't!) then it's a pretty safe bet that he's had unprotected sex with other women, and if so, he could have any kind of disease.

Also, if you're going to be sexually active with him, then you need to get on birth control. The "hormones" are NOT going to make things different to any extent. There are some side effects for SOME women, but the majority of women have NO problems at all. Even if you ARE on b/c, he still needs to use a condom until he's been tested and can prove that he's free of STD's.......which he could have and not even know. Many of the STD's have NO symptoms in men......only in women. Condoms don't protect you from all diseases, either. That's why he needs to be tested. If he's angry about that, then he doesn't respect you enough to be having sex with him.

You need to talk to him no matter how hard it is. It's YOUR body, and you have to protect yourself. If he can't listen to you, and make some compromises about his attitude, then maybe he's not worth getting involved with. Do what was suggested. Tell him WE need to discuss this.....and do it. Not only about the b/c issue, but about STD's and what you need and want to enjoy sex with him. If you don't feel comfortable enough with him to talk to him about it, then you shouldn't be DOING it. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 12:19pm
Having been a virgin when I got married, and my husband had had a live in girlfriend (they have a daughter whole new set of problems) he says over and over how much he wishes he'd waited for me. That's not to say he wishes his daughter was never born. I think this guy is pushing you too far simply because he is using you-- he probably has been promiscuous, and will probably say nearly anything to make you think other wise. Being a mother with 5 daughters 6 including step, I am pushing abstinence in a big way... That's the absolute best gift you can give your future spouse on your wedding day. I had a few guys just like this one for boyfriends, and went through the exact same problems, hurt too much, too much pressure to perform, fear of getting pregnant.. and let me tell you, hind sight being 20/20 I am soo thankful I never "finished the act" with penetration... keep your chin up, the right man is out there waiting for the perfect woman for him, and it sounds to me like this one IS NOT one of them.