Is sex for procreation alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2007
Is sex for procreation alone?
44
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 7:58pm

My wife of 5 years thinks so. We have only made love when we wanted to have our two children. I used to think that this would change. But it has not.

I have a very high libido. I try to channelise by working very hard at my job, at home, with children, cleaning, cooking, washing, anything that keeps me occupied. Yet sometimes I get aroused, but feel guilty when I masturbate.

I dont want to destroy my family or hurt the innocent children. Are there any chemicals that can reduce the libido? Because sub-consciously I do resent my wife.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 9:12pm

No, sex is not just for procreation, if that were the case, everyone would stop having sex once they have how many kids they want.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 10:50pm

Are you saying you've only had sex 2 times?

Sex is definitely not just for procreation!! Sex does a number of things for us. It's a very important part of life, ask any doctor. I think you should ask her to go to consouling....she has an unheathly view of sex and it stems from somewhere.
I wish you luck!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 12:33am

Oh dear. This is a tricky situation. I often wonder how people can find themselves in situations like this. "I thought that they would change". What on earth made you think that she would change?

Anyway, back to the problem. I agree with everything that tish said. You need to talk to her some more. It may be difficult talking to her but she IS your wife and as you have said, there is some danger that you will hurt the relationship, hurt her, and hurt the children if this is not resolved. This problem is not "just" going to go away and if it sits festering without being resolved in *some* way it IS, and it WILL, turn into a big nasty issue that hurts everyone one day.

Why do you feel guilty about masturbating?

I very strongly suggest the counselling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 6:09am

Thanks.
My wife is a very nice person. She is a pillar of my strength. She tries to help me in every aspect of life. That is what makes it so difficult. She is a good mother / friend / wife. But that 1% deficiency affects the balance 99%.
We did not have sex before marriage, not part of our culture - both were virgins till our marriage.
I got my wife drunk a couple of times(sorry) to learn the truth. She did not have any trauma in her past / childhood that puts her off sex. She just does not feel she needs it. She does not have any affairs. Everything between us (except this forum) is open.

Sometimes in past I would cut the clippings from the Cosmopolitan magazine, u know the how to improve, best positions and keep them next to the bed. They would be untouched even after a few days.

She skips pages which describe love making while reading novels.

We went to a sex counsellor. After that she would just lay in the bed while I went through the motions. I could see it in her eyes, that she was just doing it for me. They were empty. It was making love to a doll and I could not do it.

It has been 14 months since our last love making. My baby is 6 weeks old. We do not want any more children. So there will be no more love making.

My children are innocent. I dont want them to grow up in a single parent family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 9:16am

A couples sex life makes up much

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 9:28am

You may need to consult your religious advisor on this one. Bear in mind that I am assuming from the tone of your post that you both are very religious. There may be physical causes why your wife doesn't desire to have sex or it may be that she just feels that it is wrong to have sex unless it is for procreation due to her religious convictions. But I believe just about any religious leader would tell you that sex can't just be for that in any healthy loving relationship. Partly because if a couple doesn't engage in healthy intercouse they tend to drift apart and the children produced from such a union would end up in a broken family. That alone is enough to want to make sure that couple's have a lifelong healthy sex life.

Good luck to you. The Mismatched Libido board may give you more answer also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 10:46am

Welcome to the board lifeisbeautiful2007.

You say that your wife doesn't have anything from her past that makes her think sex is wrong; however, I'm reading differently from your post. The statement that premarital sex is not accepted within your culture and that both of you adhered to that speaks volumes.

I'm not saying it wasn't a conscious choice on your part, something you both believed in and went along with, BUT it is a control factor that has obviously had negative effects on your marital relationship. Instead of being taught that sexual relations between married people is healthy, which is often the case in the "not until you're married" mantra, she was taught that sex is for procreation. Whether you call it culture or religion, it created a problem for you.

Society changes, people become more educated, and discoveries are made. In the most basic of terms, sex is for procreation, when looked at from a religious stand. However, the medical field has discovered the many healthy benefits of sex, the world has changed, and people are now being educated differently. Some religions still discourage birth control to satisfy their view of sex being for procreation; but even religious magazines and websites discuss the need for a healthy sexual relationship within marriage.

While the couples counseling didn't work out, have you thought about counseling with a pastor or religious leader? Do you think that might help to change her views?

Moving past her moral convictions, there is the issue of libido. Most people in religious families are raised to believe sex without marriage is wrong. The reason why it is stressed so heavily is because of libido. People have to fight their natural urges to have sex. Teaching them they must wait encourages them to use self-control. There's a huge difference between self control and libido. The libido controls sex drive, desire, need, and all the normal healthy sexual responses both male and female bodies go through. The libido is guided by hormones for the most part, although the thought process can have a contributing factor. Have you suggested to your wife that she see a medical professional, preferably her gyn to discuss her libido? They can do simple blood tests to check her hormone levels and see if they are what they should be. It's not natural, or healthy, for an adult to have no sex drive. Even if your culture dictates it be ignored, it should still exist.

Yes, your children are innocent. Unfortunately, living in a home filled with unhappiness and lies does not teach them how to become healthy adults themselves. Children are not easily fooled, and will fare much better in a healthy environment.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 11:30am

I don't think you "made love" twice at all. You had sex to make two babies. How lucky SHE is that the two of you were fertile enough to have made those babies on the first try.

I can only reiterate what the others have said. No matter what your culture or religion, I don't think there is a culture or religion that forbids love and intimacy between two married people. Sex and intimacy is what keeps people happy, healthy, and loving each other. Obviously, LACK of sex, love and intimacy is what tears people apart and creates resentment. As someone pointed out, it is FAR MORE than 1% of a marriage. It's like the elephant in the living room! It can't be ignored. Right now, you feel "guilty" about masturbation, but eventually, your unhappiness and lonliness will overcome the guilt, and you might just wind up not only masturbating, but looking for love and intimacy from someone else.

Sex counseling isn't going to help a person who's mind is closed to it! What you need is marriage counseling or pastoral counseling.

You're correct, your children are innocent, but they won't remain that way very long......their mother will instill HER values on them, and history will be repeated in 20 or 25 years. You don't want your children to suffer a broken home.....but they're better off coming from a broken home than living in one. At the best, they will grow up not knowing how to express love and feelings....because they've never seen an example of it while growing up. At the worst, they will be like their mother.....cold and unfeeling.

You need to get some help for yourself, and your children. If things don't change.....it might be time for YOU to make a change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 9:32pm

I feel guilty when I masturbate because:
1. I masturbated my teenage and youth and waited to make love after I got married and here I am back to school days. And I keep wondering when will the real thing happen.
2. I fantasize about my lady colleagues and friends' wives which I feel is a sin, but I cant avoid.

I feel guilty as if I am doing something wrong, I just dont know if there is any other reason than the above.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 10:43pm

I do not believe that any religion dictates sex for procreation alone....
It sounds to me that your wife is very socially unaware and as a result has been wrongfully conditioned to be as cold as a fish....Sorry for my bluntness, but I cant invision anyone in a loving relationship that does not crave to give and receive sexual affection/passion /lust to/from their partner. I believe she uses the sex for procreation moral to negate any responsibility she has as a woman in a committed marital relationship. Very antiquated and not to mention selfish attitude to maintain in this century.
I believe her attitude serves to actually destruct religious and moral teachings about fortification and marriage being the “only appropriate and morally fitting place for the exercise of sexual relations“. Her not wanting to have sex at all breaks the sanctity of marriage and sex and opens the door to the primary fundamental outcast of most religions; adultery.

“Your desire will be for your husband”
Genesis 3:6-17

"Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments."
Qur'an 2:187

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