Is sex for procreation alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2007
Is sex for procreation alone?
44
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 7:58pm

My wife of 5 years thinks so. We have only made love when we wanted to have our two children. I used to think that this would change. But it has not.

I have a very high libido. I try to channelise by working very hard at my job, at home, with children, cleaning, cooking, washing, anything that keeps me occupied. Yet sometimes I get aroused, but feel guilty when I masturbate.

I dont want to destroy my family or hurt the innocent children. Are there any chemicals that can reduce the libido? Because sub-consciously I do resent my wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 10:50pm

“I fantasize about my lady colleagues and friends' wives which I feel is a sin, but I cant avoid.”

My point precisely:
Your wife’s attitude/lack of interest is making you knock on temptations door!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 11:32pm

I think you feel more frustrated than guilty. There is nothing sinful about masturbation, even happily married men with an active sex life masturbate occasionally. If that's the only outlet you have......don't feel guilty about it.

As far as looking at other women, well, all men look.....that's not a sin, either. Looking or thinking isn't a sin.....acting on that is.....but it happens to people in your situation. That's why it's imperative that you work on the problem.....so that you don't have to feel guilty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:11pm

What efforts have you made towards pleasing your wife during the few times you've had sex? Do you try and engage her? Do you give her oral sex? Has your wife ever had an orgasm during your physical intimacy?

These are very personal questions and there is no need for you to answer. Just something to consider. I know it would have to be difficult if not impossible to please your wife if she has this attitude towards sex, but if you could find ways for her to enjoy it she would be more open to it.

My suggestion (if she ever permits you) is to have a night where your wife is the total focus. Make every action you do about her and pleasing her.

Also maybe she should seek counseling alone, maybe there are some things she is keeping from you that a counselor one on one could help to uncover.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 1:14pm
Welcome to the board katrina789. You brought up some very good points, thanks for sharing.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 6:02pm

We join God and share in creation when we concieve our young, which for humans is done thru sexual reproduction, but sex for procreation only is not what God intended for his married children. If that was the case, women like other mammals such as dogs, cattle, horses, sheep, cats, etc would only be capable of sexual intercourse during her fertile period of ovulation, and ova only lives 24-36 hours!

God gave humans the gift of love and married sex ( along with the gift and ability of free will ), he expects us to love each other as Christ loves his church and for married folks, that includes sex. I realize that ingrained spitiual and religeous ideas are hard on both of you but refusing you sexually is sinfull too.

Is she willing to see a Christian Councelor who would be respectfull of your wife's religeous beliefs but could also offer another christian perspective on this issue? How about your Pastor/Clergyman? You both really need help together to work thru this.

p.s.
ask her to read Song of Soloman, if she reads with an open mind she'll see what a marveleous thing married love is supposed to be between two beloved's!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 10:19pm

I am glad you asked.
This is what I had read before I got married and made love the first time. Men are generally Bam Bam Thank you Maam. They really dont bother about appeasing the women. Women need more foreplay and once aroused are multi-orgasmic. For a woman sex is the outcome of a comfortable atmosphere. They need to relax first, before they open up as compared to a man. They like to be courted, cherished, pamapered. So I wanted to be different.

I do all that. I typically will kiss her, hold her hand, (no flowers), she rarely holds my hand while walking or hugs me. Something is wrong. I am doing the wooing and it remains at that. Many a times, I have taken her out for dinner, dance (she loves to dance), bought her gifts, held her hand, hugged, (all the girlie stuff as compared to the typical manly stuff) and we have returned home and she slept off. Once or twice is okay, but come on not every weekend. Weekdays I understand she must be tired. But weekends i get breakfast for her in bed, we eat outside, then how come we are still tired.

I would love to go down on her (oral sex) but she finds it repulsive, she abhors her own musky smell and does not want me to kiss her if I have visited there. And she does not like oral sex either.

She never had any vaginal orgasm. She does not like me inside more than 5 minutes - says it hurts. We have made love around 20 times in past 5 years. The second time we took almost 4 months to get pregnant. It was all functional - the day of ovulation and two days after that we made love. why did I do it, guess did not want to die a virgin :)

She sometimes likes a clitoral orgasm, once a fornight. Only then does she remember that I have a need too. I give her an orgasm, she falls off to sleep, i get up and continue whatever I was doing. If she were to give me an orgasm or touched me, maybe I would end forcing sex on her.

But the fact is that she does not do it on purpose. she talks in sleep and I can have a conversation with her and she will tell me everything honestly. I got her drunk too, to find the truth. And she just does not remember that I have needs too. Initially I used to remind her to give me a hand job. After some time, I felt, what the heck, why do I have to tell a person everytime, it was like pitiful begging. Let me service it myself.

I guess I am stuck in a groove. She will not take medicines. She hasnt taken any medicine in the past 5 years and if I believe her parents, in past 20 years. She does not believe in them nor does she fall sick ever. Wow.

sometimes it sounds so unreal, I earn well, take care of the house, am okay to look at, exercise everyday, was a marathan runner, cook food, do dishes, change diapers, feed the baby, rock them to sleep, dust and mop, keep the house running, pay the bills - what else do I need to do. every action of mine is towards pleasing her.

In fact now a days I want to practice religion on her :) I just keep on doing and giving to her without expecting, pure love (though with resentment at times) and hope that things will improve. Its been almost 15 months now. Have to see the sign of God that my giving has earned me any brownie points.

My greatest strength is my humour. Guess still water runs deep.

so my question is are there any medicines, exercises out there that decrese the libido. Better for one person to suffer than 3 ( 2 children and a wife).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 7:10am
When one person is being *kept happy* in a marriage or a relationship, another person's needs aren't being met. A marriage is a union in which both partners should be working together to ensure that both of your needs are being met.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 7:58am

There are side effects to some meds that decrease libido but that is

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 8:47am

YOU WROTE:
I do all that. I typically will kiss her, hold her hand, (no flowers), she rarely holds my hand while walking or hugs me. Something is wrong.

YOU WROTE:
If she were to give me an orgasm or touched me, maybe I would end forcing sex on her.

YOU WROTE:
I got her drunk too, to find the truth.

YOU WROTE:
In fact now a days I want to practice religion on her :) I just keep on doing and giving to her without expecting, pure love (though with resentment at times) and hope that things will improve. Its been almost 15 months now. Have to see the sign of God that my giving has earned me any brownie points.

YOU WROTE:
so my question is are there any medicines, exercises out there that decrese the libido. Better for one person to suffer than 3 ( 2 children and a wife).

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lifeisbeautiful,

I didn't catch an answer to this question previously, but I'll reask - was she this way when you first met her? Based on what you're telling us I can't imagine she was any different. So you likely knew what you were getting into?

Just a few thoughts in reply to your comments -
1) There are no "brownie" points in religion. You either comply with a man-created doctorine (read: Not God created), or you don't. And if you don't comply, you face a lifetime of guilt, right? (Those are my thoughts on religion)

2) You mention "forcing" sex on her. I'd like to think by force you mean, "bringing it up, persisting etc" as opposed to forceable sex. (Read: sexual battery/rape)

You're right though - something is wrong. Men shouldn't talk like that about their wives. Whether in jest or not.

I can understand from reading each of your posts you're clearly very frustrated. However this self-sacrificing, "better one person be miserable than 3" is a load of crap. You know as well as anyone here that you being miserable the rest of your life is only going to lead to your children being miserable.

It's not even self-sacrificing. It's self-defeating.

If you continue down that path the message your children will get is one of weakness, anger, despair and worst of all - distrust.

Counceling would probably do you well. As an outsider looking in though, I'd highly recommend against any religious councilors. It strikes me that the ultimate guilt and fear of religion is what has started you both down this path.

Good luck with this. Be realistic. I lifetime of self-defeat, self-loathing and temptation to get your nookie elsewhere will likely be far more painful than ending things sooner rather than later.

-lg

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 8:04pm

It sounds like there are quite a lot of things going on here. I have to ask, what did your sex therapist suggest for you two to do and how long did you two see them? From reading all of your posts, I get the impression that your wife just does not really enjoy sex. Her saying she doesn't "need" it, to me, implies that it is more of a desire issue for her than a religious one. However, I am sure that there is some of both involved.

As far as the sex itself, does she or has she ever given you the impression that she enjoys it? And you say that she has a clitoral orgasm every once in a while - how does that come about, from her masturbating or from another way? Also, how do you know for a fact that she is really climaxing?

Either way, this certainly isn't at all your fault, it takes two people to make a relationship work. And sex is not a little issue, it is definitely more than just 1% of a relationship! I agree with all the others and think that the two of you need to seek counseling, and not just a sex counselor, but someone who can help the two of you sort out all of the other religious and personal issues as well.

Living with resentment towards the person you are married to is certainly not going to help,and like Tish said, getting something to reduce your libido will do nothing but cover up the problem. And, I would be willing to bet that your resentment would only grow if you did find meds to do that! I certainly would have very strong negative feelings towards my SO if I were in your shoes. I do wish you luck and hope that we can get updates on how things are going for you.