Is sex for procreation alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2007
Is sex for procreation alone?
44
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 7:58pm

My wife of 5 years thinks so. We have only made love when we wanted to have our two children. I used to think that this would change. But it has not.

I have a very high libido. I try to channelise by working very hard at my job, at home, with children, cleaning, cooking, washing, anything that keeps me occupied. Yet sometimes I get aroused, but feel guilty when I masturbate.

I dont want to destroy my family or hurt the innocent children. Are there any chemicals that can reduce the libido? Because sub-consciously I do resent my wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 1:21pm

"Odds are though that she wont be open to 'new' ideas about things of a sexual nature. But you never know until you try....if you don't try things will just remain as they are."

I think the best chance she has to develop a healthy outlook toward sex is to keep encouraging her to try new things and seek help. Of course, supported by a loving husband who also accepts her as she is gives her that much more advantage.

I understand that pity sex isn't satisfying, but as she learns about her own sexuality, that may occur more often than not, for both partners. If she's in counseling, she's learning that it is healthy and morally okay for her to enjoy sex with her husband. If she starts practicing what she's learning, she might even discover she likes it. With the proper counseling, she won't have to feel guilty about those feelings either.

I agree with Tish that what's going on right now certainly won't present a healthy environment for their children. While I can feel sorry for the guy being in this situation, wondering if his outlook on sex is healthy already shows how much her problems have affected him as well. I also wonder if too much resentment hasn't already built up. The longer a problem goes on, the more difficult it usually becomes to fix it.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 1:48pm

>>"One honest question, silly in a way, does a woman really enjoy sex or does she just go through the motions to satisfy her partner, though she wouldnt be doing it if she had a choice."<<

I can only speak for myself but I do enjoy sex, not only for the intimate and emotional connection to my partner but simply because it feels great to me. If you have really read much of the Mismatched Libido messageboard sections you surely know there are as many (or more) women here that are the HL partner in their marriage having problems with living with a LL man. My marriage fell apart after 14 years with a man I cared about because he refused to satisfy ANY of the needs for intimacy that I had.

>>"where does one draw a line between marital rape and making one's wife to have sex even though she does not want it."<<

I would say that marital rape is PHYSICALLY FORCING or RESTRAINING your partner WITHOUT their consent and having your way with them. If you have their consent or agreement, even if they would rather not do anything, it cannot under any circumstance be called rape UNLESS they ask that you stop after starting and you refuse to stop.

>>"If I see history or the present, none of the religious heads of any community Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, etc are married. Celibacy is the rule for all of them. And all of the religions cant be wrong. So maybe sex is for procreation only. Maybe there are two types of people - the enlightened ones and the common ones."<<

I don't know where you got this idea but it is so off-base that I don't even know where to begin. Most Christian religions allow their spiritual leaders to marry (even some Catholic sects -- offshoots of the orginal faith -- allow this now). Jewish leaders are allowed to marry (Rabbis). Many of the religious leaders that don't marry could if they wanted to. I could go on and on with there being so many religions but you get the point. Research the religions and you will find that this is so.

There are graphic descriptions in the Bible that tell how a man and his wife are suppose to come together and treat each other, including the giving of their bodies to one another. Read the Song of Solomon (or Song of Songs) if you are of a faith to believe in the Bible. Many other religious tomes get even more graphic about the place and enjoyment of sex in a union than the Bible.

I feel badly for you, but your wife -- if she is giving you these ideas -- is simply grasping at straws to keep from having sex with you. She reminds me of my XH. He refused to change and refused to even try to the point that I was ready to step outside my marriage to satisfy my needs. I couldn't in good conscience do that so I divorced him and found someone that was my match both mentally AND physcially.

I wish you luck .. but from the sounds of your posts you are fighting a losing battle. You may have to decide to live in a sexless marriage, accept what you can get, or leave and start over again. I choose to leave and start over again at 42 years old. I am SO very happy that I did!




Edited 9/5/2007 1:54 pm ET by tami-kins
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 2:55pm

You are very wrong about "religious leaders" being celibate. There are some oriental sects that don't marry.....and there are the Catholic priests that don't marry. And don't kid yourself about the Catholic priests, MANY of them have "relationships".....or prey on the members of their church.....as everyone knows. Originally, Catholic priests were allowed to marry also.....it's only since the middle ages that they haven't married....but being married isn't the only way to have sex and intimacy!

ALL "Christian pastors" and Jewish clergy can and DO marry. But you aren't a member of the clergy.....and ALL religions realize that there is more to sex than procreation. In many ways, it is the foundation of a happy family.

You don't know much about religion if you think sex is banned except for procreation. Have you read the "Songs of Solomon".....it's a very erotic part of the Bible, and it is ALL about sex and love. The Bible is an unique book. You can find whatever you want to find to prove a point, particularly if it's taken out of context, and quite often it IS taken out of context.

If you don't have a bible handy: http://www.fourmilab.ch/etexts/www/Bible/Song_of_Solomon.html

You might try reading it aloud to your wife....if it's religion that is her hangup.

You will get no points in heaven for being a martyr.

And last but not least, it is NOT rape if your wife is willing to allow you sexual relief. It is also not very satisfying, but if that's all you can get, it's better than nothing in the context of a marriage. It's only sad that her mind is closed to what is normal, natural and a PLEASURE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 11:33am
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Edited 9/11/2007 7:27 pm ET by luvnitagain
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 12:07pm
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Edited 9/11/2007 7:28 pm ET by luvnitagain
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2007
Sun, 09-16-2007 - 9:50pm

God bless you for staying with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 09-16-2007 - 10:27pm

Welcome to the board beachjewel75.

Thanks for joining in and sharing your story.










iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2007
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 9:00pm

Thank you for the welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 9:20am
lifeisbeautiful, which religion does your wife subscribe to?..By the way many Christain religion leaders
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 11:47am

I feel your pain. I wish oyu the best of luck in counseling. It may take some time to find a counselor that feels right for the both of you. I am not so sure this is something for a church minister to help you on. Maybe the minister can help your wife with the fact that sex is sometghing God created from man a nd wife to enjoy. But I think it will take a marriage counselor to help her overcome her issues with sex.

Male65401

I wish you the best.


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