Is sex really that important?
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Is sex really that important?
| Wed, 09-08-2004 - 8:49pm |
What would you do if you were in a sexless marriage? Say everything else in your relationship was GREAT except for the sex...or lack of it. Well, that is me.
My husband and I rarely have sex, maybe once every 2 or 3 months, though 6 months is not unheard of. It is by HIS choice not mine. His reasons: He's too tired and does not have enough energy for it. When we do have sex it is usually boring and quick. I have gotten into the the routine of handling my sexual urges by myself. After 6 years of this though I am at the end of my rope. I've tried talking to him about it numerous times and he refuses to even discuss it. It is like the topic of sex is taboo. I would NEVER cheat on my husband but I must admit that I am longing for sexual contact. I guess it is just a basic human need. Am I being selfish? Is sex really that important in a relationship? I am really worried though that if I do finally get him to open up about sex that it may be too late. We would both feel awkward and silly. You know...like too much water under the bridge thing. I'm confused. Do I just shut up and and make do with a great relationship minus the sex? I can not see many options since he will not discuss it. Any advice or ideas or anything???
My husband and I rarely have sex, maybe once every 2 or 3 months, though 6 months is not unheard of. It is by HIS choice not mine. His reasons: He's too tired and does not have enough energy for it. When we do have sex it is usually boring and quick. I have gotten into the the routine of handling my sexual urges by myself. After 6 years of this though I am at the end of my rope. I've tried talking to him about it numerous times and he refuses to even discuss it. It is like the topic of sex is taboo. I would NEVER cheat on my husband but I must admit that I am longing for sexual contact. I guess it is just a basic human need. Am I being selfish? Is sex really that important in a relationship? I am really worried though that if I do finally get him to open up about sex that it may be too late. We would both feel awkward and silly. You know...like too much water under the bridge thing. I'm confused. Do I just shut up and and make do with a great relationship minus the sex? I can not see many options since he will not discuss it. Any advice or ideas or anything???

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Well, if I was happy with the situation and he was happy with the situation, then it would be fine. Trouble is that you are not happy so you DO need to do something.
>>Am I being selfish?<<
No. Not in the slightest.
>>Is sex really that important in a relationship?<<
It's entirely up to you to decide how important it is, but Yes, I would say that sex is an important part of a relationship. Whatever is important to you, is important to your relationship.
>>I am really worried that it may be too late.<<
I don't think that it is ever too late. What is more dangerous are the feelings of resentment and the harm that will have built up over time. By letting it go for so long you are bound to resentful in some way and that could cause problems when you are trying to discuss it and solve the problem with your husband. You have a situation here where you are not getting something that you consider to be important from the relationship. In many ways it doesn't matter that it has been happening for a long time. It's happening (or not happening as the case may be) right now and you need to address it, communicate with your husband and come to some compromise. If a compromise cannot be met then you have to give thought to the other options.
I don't know how many times you have tried talking to him about it so I suggest that you get some counselling. You have tried to talk to him and for whatever reasons, he doesn't feel comfortable discussing the lack of sex. I'm sure that he is well aware of the problem. He may feel so bad about it he wants to pretend that it isn't an issue. Therefore he doesn't want to talk about it at all. It becomes 'taboo'. Having left it for so long only reinforces his idea that if he doesn't talk about it, you clam up about too and the issue 'goes away' for a while.
Unless you have reached a point where he simply will not listen I would try talking to him about it again. Try to avoid sounding upset, avoid sounding desperate, and whatever you do, don't make it sound like it's HIS problem.
Sit him down outside the bedroom and tell him that you need to have an important talk with him. Turn off the TV and get his attention. Tell him that you are concerned that the two of you are not having sex very often, and that you would like to try and find an answer. Tell him how you feel - that everything-else is wonderful but you miss the physical contact, tell him that sex makes you wanted and loved and desired. Ask him how he feels about it. Ask him if it's something that he misses, or is he happy with the frequency of sex now. Ask him if there is something that you can do to make him want you.
Try to get him talking.
Again, if you think that you have gone as far as you can talking with him, get some outside help. The resentment will build if you do nothing, and the whole relationship will suffer as a result.
Leticia
I was in a very similar situation to yours. My husband also wasn't interested in sex. We would have sex once every month or two, and when we did have sex it was boring and uninspired. His reasons were that he was too tired, had to get up for work, etc. We had countless fights about it. This went on for a number of years, definitely more than 5 years. Have you and your husband ever had a more frequent/fulfilling sex life? I ask because my husband and I did have a good sex life when we were first dating, but after a while everything changed. My self esteem was in the toilet and I was miserable in our marriage. After a lot of soul searching, I decided that although I loved my husband, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage, feeling horrible about myself. On Easter Sunday (of all days) I told him that I wanted a divorce. He finally came clean with what was going on and told me he wanted to work it out. I gave him one more chance and he really came through. That was about 6 or 7 years ago. Our sex life and marriage improved tremendously and now, oddly enough, the roles have kind of reversed themselves. We now have young children and I am usually too tired for sex - but I'm genuinely tired.
Again, I'm not recommending this approach. It also wasn't a game for me. I was more than ready to leave my marriage. I had even decided what furniture I wanted. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. You definitely deserve better than what you have now.
My own opinion is that many times these guys are having "problems" and they're too embarassed to see a doctor about it......they equate it with their "manhood", and would rather pretend they're not interested than admit they have a problem. So I'm just being nosey, and wondering what was causing the problem. Whatever it was, it sounds like you were able to get it fixed.
I'm also of the opinion if a man refuses to discuss it, then the woman has no option but to do exactly what you did. Make the decision, make your thoughts known, and do it with every intention of carrying it out if you have to. Some would say that's a "threat", and it is, but when nothing else works, what choice do you have? But unless you really intend to go thru with it, there's no point in making the threat.
Westridge said it all, you have to get the man to open up to you, and if he won't, you might want to consider counselling for yourself....so that you can figure out how to deal with it without being miserable and unhappy.
If nothing else works, I'm in complete agreement with Newtoitall....if you can't live like this anymore, then you might have to take drastic measures. It worked for her. I'd give everything else a try before I'd threaten divorce, but maybe he needs something that drastic to wake him up. Don't bother threatening unless you REALLY mean it though.
Good Luck!
It it important? Well, each person has to judge how important it is to him/her. It is important to me to find a woman who has a similar libido to mine. If it's way off, it doesn't work for me.
I'm not advocating making threats in a marriage. I really don't think spouses should threaten one another to get their point across. In my case it wasn't a threat. I told my husband I was leaving. I guess when he came to the realization that he had destroyed his marriage he decided to stop playing games. Because I love him I decided to give him one more chance, but I told him that if there wasn't an immediate and drastic difference in our marriage I was gone.
What I wanted to say was that I was in the exact same relationship for ten years. She has lupus and is an incest survivor. The emotional as well as the physical limitations she had made it near impossible to have sex more than once a month. Forget about marathons.
Long story short, I made a decision about my happiness above all else. I was perfectly happy with everything else in the relationship, but that one bit made me miserable. Thinking I was selfish for wanting to be happy and abandoning her in the condition she was in, I made probably one of the toughest decisions of my life. I didn't even consider the possibility I'd never find anyone better than her, I just did not want to be miserable this way. I'd rather be alone.
It's now four years later and we've both moved on. I've since re-married and am in absolute bliss.
I agree that threatening is not the way to handle it....but sometimes, as in your case, they REFUSE to talk, and then the partner has to make a decision, as you did, and follow thru with it. So, in a way it is/was a threat! Change, or it's over. Lucky for you, he got the idea, and he was willing to change.
I was married for 20 years to a serial cheater, certainly not the same problem you had. I tried hundreds of times over the years to get him to talk to me, tell what the problem was, and he refused. He kept saying he didn't have a problem, I did. Then I would say, "okay, WHAT is my problem"....and he'd clam up. There were times when I would try so hard to get him to talk, he'd get to the point where he'd say "either shut up, or I'm leaving". If I didn't shut up, he would leave, even if it was 2AM! Like you, I finally made up my mind that I couldn't deal with it anymore. I'd held off for several years wating for my sons to get a little older. Much to my surprise, one night he came in late, didn't like my "attitude" and said he was leaving. He packed his "matched luggage" (several grocery bags) and away he went. I found out later that he'd PLANNED it so that he could go to Florida with his "current friend". That was all I needed to hear. I got a lawyer, and our marriage was history. Strangely enough, after several months, he came back, begging me to take him back, he loved me, he loved his sons, he missed us, and wanted to try again. Because I thought I loved him too....I agreed. It lasted 4 days. On the fourth day, he didn't come home from work, and rolled in at 1AM...which is what he'd done all thru our marriage. When he came in, I told him to go right back out. He was in shock! The divorce went thru, and I've never regretted it, because he was one who never got it. He had the audacity to tell me that he'd been a good husband and father! His reasoning was that he'd supported us, put food on the table and a roof over our heads. I told him that Welfare would do the same....and welfare is not a good husband and father!
Sorry, I didn't mean to go on forever, but some people don't understand that there are men (and women) who REFUSE to talk or discuss an issue. I'm always advising TRYING to talk, but I also understand that it doesn't work for everyone. You were one of the lucky ones.
I have not read all the advice that you have recieved, but the ones I did read were very good. I would just add that it's important to not make him "bad" or "wrong" in your mind for not wanting to discuss this situation. As frustrating as that is, it's important to keep in mind that people that don't want to discuss problems with their partners are deathly afraid of facing those issues within themselves because they fear the pain that it dredges up. As much as you believe that you know your husband, no one can really deeply know anothers thought, feelings and secret fears. Talking about relationship may feel perfectly safe for you, but likely brings up terror inside him. There are a thousand reasons that this could be, but none of them really matter other than to say that they exist and for your husband they are real...even if they are not for you.
As some have suggested counseling for both of you would be ideal, but if he is not open to that, get counseling yourself. You can not change someone else, only change yourself. Often times when one partner takes steps to become more whole through whatever reason, the other sees the changes within them and wants to work on themselves. By healing yourself, you also heal others.
Good luck and much love to you both.
Scott.
PS - Try to be gentle with yourself. There is NEVER anything wrong with wanting to be closer and more intimate with your partner, nor is there anything wrong with needing more space.
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