Is sex really that important?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Is sex really that important?
18
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 8:49pm
What would you do if you were in a sexless marriage? Say everything else in your relationship was GREAT except for the sex...or lack of it. Well, that is me.

My husband and I rarely have sex, maybe once every 2 or 3 months, though 6 months is not unheard of. It is by HIS choice not mine. His reasons: He's too tired and does not have enough energy for it. When we do have sex it is usually boring and quick. I have gotten into the the routine of handling my sexual urges by myself. After 6 years of this though I am at the end of my rope. I've tried talking to him about it numerous times and he refuses to even discuss it. It is like the topic of sex is taboo. I would NEVER cheat on my husband but I must admit that I am longing for sexual contact. I guess it is just a basic human need. Am I being selfish? Is sex really that important in a relationship? I am really worried though that if I do finally get him to open up about sex that it may be too late. We would both feel awkward and silly. You know...like too much water under the bridge thing. I'm confused. Do I just shut up and and make do with a great relationship minus the sex? I can not see many options since he will not discuss it. Any advice or ideas or anything???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 7:53pm
My wife use to business travel a lot. I also had one of work schedules with multiple careers going and we were really unable to be together for sex. THEN, whenever we were, one of us would always be too tired right at the time that the other was wired and ready to go. Sigh...just not fair. :(

The infatuation we've always had for each other really made the sex situation secondary, and we've really had the most black-out breath-grabbing sex too, so we were REALLY missing it! Our situation was very different from yours in that we had NO problem talking and communicating.

My personal view is that when the itself is hindered, THAT ALONE is a sign of trouble that makes any relationship next to impossible. That opinion is so debatable, YES, but that is my opinion nonetheless.

Now I've said this sooo many times, but I will ALWAYS believe in the benefits of counseling. As much as I'm risking being picked on by the others for preaching counseling so often, LOL, I still believe that its whenever the communication has broken down.

Open and honest communication, in my most honest opinion, is the oxygen for the fire, the gas for the car, the wet in the water. When you lose that, to the point that you've explained, then I truly believe counseling is worth considering. Its worked for me, even when I was so definite that I didn't need it.

Until you do make that decision, here's a couple of links for you to post on as well. These two are super for your situation, and I really do hope all works out for you...NO couple should go through this and I don't believe you really have to outside of medical reasons:

Happily Married

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhappilymar

The Secrets of Married Sex

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsecretsofm

Please consider your options...good luck, kitti!

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 9:45pm
I totally understand. My husband and I went through the exact same thing. We have been married almost 23 years. A little over two years ago, I decided I would end the over three year sexlessness of our marriage. My husband is a very loving man. I think he has told me every day of our marriage that he loves me. We always kissed, hugged and snuggled. But our sexual relationship was dead. He gave me the same excuses that your husband is giving you. I once joked I was going to write a book titled 101 excuses not to have sex with your wife. So I decided to confront the issue and improve the sexual relationship. It took two years but our sexual relationship is much improved. At first he didn't want to talk about it. He kept telling me that he would do better but he wouldn't really talk about it. Things were improving at a snail's pace. I was very discouraged and then 10 months ago, I told him that I couldn't live without a fulfilling sex life. I don't know what it was that convinced him that I was serious. I had said essentially the same thing many times before without drastic change. But this time change in our sexual relationship took a drastic change. He later disclosed that he had been avoiding sex with me due to resentments he had built during the marriage and to performance anxiety. Our marriage has never been better. It took a lot of time and communication, but in our case it did improve.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 10:24pm

<<>>


I didn't

  

   who_reallyknows

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:41pm

lucki kitti


OMG>>> you are me, a year ago.... I made some bad choices however. You still have a chance if you want it enough...


My husband and I rarely have sex, maybe once every 2 or 3 months, though 6 months is not unheard of.

  

   who_reallyknows

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 1:10pm

He finally came clean with what was going on and told me he wanted to work it out. I gave him one more chance and he really came through.


If I may ask, What was the real problem. I am in that situation myself, we have tried a lot of things to work out our issues, but really he has never giving a clear answer to me. I know every problem is different, but maybe it will be something I haven't thought of to ask.


Ok, I read the explanation, he actually has said that, but I have never understood it. I really can't get over the thought that it is something else......


who_reallyknows



Edited 9/11/2004 1:44 pm ET ET by who_reallyknows

  

   who_reallyknows

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 1:23pm

You said this has gone on for six years? Does that mean it's been this way for the entire marriage and while you were dating? If so, didn't you get an idea of what his libido was like before marriage?


It it important? Well, each person has to judge how important it is to him/her. It is important to me to find a woman who has a similar libido to mine. If it's way off, it doesn't work for me.


My husband and I were best friends,I thought he knew everything about me, good and bad. I thought the same about him. I knew he was a lot less aggressive, but I didn't have a clue to how much we had different views on sex, I just assumed he knew how I was and my feelings about sex because I have always talked openly about them. He just thought that being married would help me grow out of it or something... If I would have thought he was thinking that I would grow out of my sexual needs, I would have made it more clear somehow before that isn't doesn't work that way. I wouldn't have gone into this battle from the get go, but once you are there.....

who_reallyknows

  

   who_reallyknows

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 3:48am
a good marriage is a plus,and yes i can understand how you feel, i have been in the same situation but not as drastic. i feel your pain, and frustration. i guess i am writing to tell you, your not alone. i am new to these boards, but have wanted to talk about something similar.

i can say, you are lucky to have a man that does love you and is good to you, but i feel it does have to be addressed...

i hope things work out... good luck...and i do feel your pain and frustration

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 8:04pm

>>keep in mind that people that don't want to discuss problems with their partners are deathly afraid of facing those issues within themselves because they fear the pain that it dredges up.<<


Guilty as charged.

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