sex vs a great guy.....?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
sex vs a great guy.....?
31
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:56pm
I have been with my boyfriend now for 6 months. I'm really enjoying the relationship and I want to be with him. I love spending time with him, laughing, just hanging out....but there is one problem. The sex, at least for me, is not good! He has fun, gets off and enjoys himself, but I'm just not that into it. We have tried different positions, toys, etc...not a big difference for me though. My last boyfriend who I was with for almost 3 years was great in bed. I loved it. But the sex with my new b/f is just short of awful. Sometimes it's a bit better than other times, but overall it's not good. I have yet to orgasm with him. What do you think the problem is?? I feel bad saying this, but his penis is a bit on the small side, could that be it? I don't know what to do....I want to be with him but is good sex more important than a good relationship?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 3:12pm

You're not interested because the sex isn't so great.....or maybe the sex isn't so great because you're not interested. If the "chemistry" isn't there, then maybe he'd make a better friend than b/f.

If he's just not good at what he's doing, he can be taught! Are you telling him what you want, what you need, what you like? Or do you expect him to be a mind reader? There's a lot more to good sex than intercourse, and the size of his penis shouldn't enter into it unless it's non-existent. Orgasms or lack of them aren't the problem. If you're not enjoying the sex, of course you're not going to have orgasms. Fix the sex, and the orgasms might come.

Every new partner is a new learning experience, and he may not have a clue what you want from him. TELL him!

He might even be thinking the same thing since you're not very enthusiastic about it. You'd better start talking.....and if you can't talk about sex with him.....then it's not much of a relationship.

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 3:19pm

i don't think you have to pick between good sex and a good relationship. if you have a good relationship, i think the sex part can eventually be worked out as long as you have chemistry. in other words, as long as you are not convincing yourself this is a great guy and you should be with him but have no sexual attraction to him.

you have to look a bit deeper as to what is missing that turns you on. i doubt it is just the smaller penis (although i agree this can make a bit of a difference).

i am in a similar situation as you, and although for me sex is not near awful it is just ok with the occasional exception when it is good. i know that this is the guy for me and am willing to work on it, and have faith that eventually it will work out. the issue for me is that he is too reserved emotionally and without my prompting is routine in what he likes to do. i prefer someone who is passionate, a bit more aggressive and spontaneous. i just try to make suggestions outside the bedroom and encourage him to encorporate it in future lovemaking -- i find this works better than suggesting things during lovemaking because it leaves at least some room for him to take initiative and isn't as predictable. also, we are working on the issue of being more expressive -- i have explained to him that it makes me feel more desirable if he is more enthusiastic and lets the lust out, and he understands but it is still hard for him to do. we've been dating for 10 months...and i think this will probably take another few years to work out. people develop their sexuality in a particular way and you can't expect them to change overnight, but with love, chemistry and good communication it can and will change. i've seen it happen before, that's why i know it's worth working on. sometimes i do get frustrated and think back on how easy and 'in sync' sex was with other partners, but then i remember that they were lacking so many other qualities that make for a good relationship and i recognize that many of those qualities can't be changed, whereas this one can be worked out.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 3:52pm

Sounds like a great friendship.

I think you need to accept that this is YOUR problem, for a start. If you aren't into sex with him, then it's likely because of something YOU aren't feeling or doing. Take responsibility for your own pleasure. He can only do what you ask him to do anyway.

You point out that he has a smaller penis than your last BF. Maybe that's a subconscious turnoff to you. Maybe you like him platonically but the sexual chemistry just isn't there. If you were truly in love, then that wouldn't be an issue at all. He would be perfect in your eyes.

For me personally, good sex is a BYPRODUCT of a good relationship or connection with a partner, not a specific size of equipment he has.

If you're just not "into it" then it's probably because you don't feel what you were hoping you would feel. And no matter what he or you do, you can't force chemistry that isn't there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 4:17pm

Hi,

thanx for your response. I know exactly what you are saying. We have talked about it though. He likes it slow, I like it fast. Sometimes he will try to go hard and fast for me .....but it's not that great. And I do really like him. You are sort of right though, there isn't that much chemistry! I've never really thought about it that way. I like him as a boyfriend, but the passion isn't exactly there. I don't know....it's just weird. I can't say I have NO attraction to him....but maybe not enough. Any suggestions for that? I love his personality....the way he treats me and holds me....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 4:23pm
I really appreciate your response! You make complete sense and your advice was great. You are right. He may be lacking in that area, but other areas of our relationship are great. This one can be worked out....where as other men that I have been sexually compatible with had issues I wasn't sticking around for. Thanx a bunch
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 4:26pm
i don't think it is just her problem -- it is their problem as a couple. yes, she must communicate what she wants, but it is important that he is receptive to making an effort to please her. i think there is usually some adjustment to be made in long term relationships, and ultimately i think the love deepens when you work through problems together. i think this is a more difficult problem than just doing what she wants him to do (she does not appear shy as she mentions the use of toys and other things), sexuality is not just a mechanical act, but intwined with our personality and how we have learned to express ourselves over time through various relationships. it may be easier to blame it on a smaller penis because it is the obvious surface difference, however, i agree it is unlikely to be the cause here as sexual arousal and satisfaction is rooted in much more than the physical sensation. in my case for instance, i have spelled out very specifically how i like things done, i have showed him, and he does it pretty much as instructed, but nevertheless it often fails to arouse me because i need a different type of emotional setting.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 5:16pm

Sorry, I disagree that it's not her problem. She has to take responsibility for her own sexual fulfillment or he can do nothing, even with her instruction.

I've been married almost 30 yrs. so trust me, I know that it's imperative to work together to make sex satisfactory for both partners. But if there is no natural sexual attraction for one of those partners, it's not likely to work on that level.

She says that he's happy. He sounds as if he's pleased with their sex life and willing to experiment indicating that he is open to what she wants and suggests.

On the other hand, SHE has said that something is missing for her and she's just not into it, which likely means something physical. If there is no chemistry, then she'll have to decide if the great friendship and platonic love they share is enough.

The first step is deciding that YOU are responsible for your own happiness though...not your partner. And that includes sexually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 5:30pm
Thanx for the advice....but I disagree with you. Sex involves 2 people, not one. You cannot blame a sexual problem on one person. Obviously I WANT the sex to be good..or I wouldn't be writing and asking for advice. So lets just get that clear first. I AM attracted to him or else I wouldn't be with him. The sex just isn't good, at least not yet. I was asking for help, suggestions, and I got some great responses. I think that maybe I have to let the relationship develop a bit more. We have two totally different sexual preferences, maybe that is the problem. But....we will see what time brings. Will we get used to each other? Develop a great sex life over time when we've been together a bit longer? Who knows....but I want to find out. So thanx for badgering me, but that wasn't the advice I was looking for. Maybe you misunderstood my question. On another note, thanx sugarbeat, you really helped :)
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 5:43pm

The person you should be talking to is your BF, not a bunch of strangers. Only he and you can figure out what the problem is and whether he can help you with it.

And you asked for ideas, thoughts and opinions and I just call them as I see them.

"Badgering", though? Not sure where that comes from. I don't "badger" anyone on this board.

As I said, you'll have to decide if you're willing to accept that sex isn't so great in exchange for a great friendship. And there's nothing wrong with that either.

But, you're right, time will tell, however, it would concern me that a wild attraction wasn't there from the beginning.




Edited 7/6/2006 5:50 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 6:03pm
I have talked to my b/f....it hasn't worked. I don't think talking will make the sex better in our relationship. I think we need time. And I'm on here for advice, why not? Yes these people are strangers, and that's what I love about this! Tons of feedback, girls with the same issues/problems. Why are you in here? Regardless, I'm not trading a relationship for a friendship so I'm not sure why you keep saying that. That's a bit off topic but ok. I think I will take the others advice. Give it some time, see what happens.
But thanx ne ways

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