sex vs a great guy.....?
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sex vs a great guy.....?
| Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:56pm |
I have been with my boyfriend now for 6 months. I'm really enjoying the relationship and I want to be with him. I love spending time with him, laughing, just hanging out....but there is one problem. The sex, at least for me, is not good! He has fun, gets off and enjoys himself, but I'm just not that into it. We have tried different positions, toys, etc...not a big difference for me though. My last boyfriend who I was with for almost 3 years was great in bed. I loved it. But the sex with my new b/f is just short of awful. Sometimes it's a bit better than other times, but overall it's not good. I have yet to orgasm with him. What do you think the problem is?? I feel bad saying this, but his penis is a bit on the small side, could that be it? I don't know what to do....I want to be with him but is good sex more important than a good relationship?

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See, that's where you're wrong. Communication is the ONLY way to make it better. Without that, you're both guessing.
But the fact that talking with him isn't doing any good should be another big red flag for you.
Look, as I said before, I've been married a LONG time and I have actually learned a few things in all those years. In making our own mistakes & learning from them, we can offer a bit of insight that the years provide. It's up to you whether you think there's any personal value there or not.
I know that you cannot manufacture chemistry where there is none. You can only accept what you have with any partner and work on making it better. And that's true whether it's a friendship or romantic relationship. But you also have to accept that a dog is a dog and will never be a cat.
Edited 7/6/2006 7:04 pm ET by katmandoo2001
She has already said that the passion is lacking, in her response to dakine. She said that the attraction probably isn't what it should be. I only followed up on her own words as basis for my opinion.
A romantic relationship requires great chemistry and attraction for great sex to be possible. At the core, even with all the inevitable difficulties of a relationship, is sexual attraction. And if it's not there, sex that is good on all levels isn't possible. But if it is there, then clumsy sex can become good sex with time, patience, & understanding. It's not actually "bad" anyway since the lust is there.
But if this was just a case of her not getting what she needed physically, then that could be pretty easily remedied with him giving it to her. It sounds like he's trying to please her, but she's not responding. She's just not into it. It's up to HER to figure out why she isn't into it.
I don't remember ever feeling that way with anyone I was wildly attracted to though. I DO remember feeling that way with guys I liked enormously and desperately wanted to have an attraction to.
I'm not saying that her BF shouldn't try and help her with this problem. But it's only his problem because it's THEIR relationship, but it's not a problem stemming from his dissatisfaction. He can only help her if it's something he can do or say. The rest is up to her.
Edited 7/6/2006 6:58 pm ET by katmandoo2001
Maybe, but that's where the communication comes in. In your case, it sounds like there is a core of attraction. In hers, it doesn't sound like there is. At least, not from the info. she has provided.
It doesn't sound like sex was ever good, at least for her. Only she can figure out why it still isn't.
Edited 7/6/2006 8:24 pm ET by katmandoo2001
Edited 7/6/2006 9:23 pm ET by sugarbeat
I disagree again. There are plenty of reasons that women will "make do" with lousy sex or no chemistry.....if they've had bad luck with men in the past. A good guy isn't so easy to find. They're out there, but they're not easy to find.
Hope springs eternal, too. Many women believe that they can change the guy (or his sex appeal quotient)with time.
But if a guy makes a woman feel like a million bucks OUTSIDE the bedroom, it could easily be a long lasting relationship. IF she is willing to trade good chemistry/sex for comfort & security, and I think many women are.
If they're willing to share one man, as in an affair, they're probably already doing that! Or those women who marry for money are likely doing that.
Sounds like you don't have any type of chemistry with him. And maybe not feeling any type of real intimacy with him? It sounds like he is more a best friend than anything else from the way you wrote this.
Not too sure there is really anything you can do. Maybe over time you will start developing that attraction you need but I thinking probably not. I thinking no matter what you are able to teach him, it will probably never be good from your end.
For your last question, you want good sex with a good relationship. Now the good sex might have to be learn over time since we learn more about each other as we spend time together but I would say generally the chemistry needs to be there from the very beginning. If you settle for less, either good sex or good relationship, you won't be happy.
That's how I used to feel with my BF, exactly! Then, I found ivillage! =D Honestly, it helped so much with my sex life! My bf and I talk to each other about what we like, what really gets us going, thanks to this place. I'm not kidding! I used to think that we werent sexually compatible and sex just never would be awesome between us. Now it is insane! I go home and just crave his touch. We didnt start out that way, just by being open and not afraid to ask questions, and directing him to what I liked. It really makes a difference by communicating your needs.
I used to be a little nervous to vocalize my feelings during sex, I'd just keep quiet and not make a racket. He got the impression I wasnt enjoying what he was doing. So then I just let it all out! I made more sounds to the things I really liked that he did, so he became reassured that he WAS pleasing me. He also became more encouraged to do what he was doing to me, only feircer and more often.
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