sex vs a great guy.....?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
sex vs a great guy.....?
31
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:56pm
I have been with my boyfriend now for 6 months. I'm really enjoying the relationship and I want to be with him. I love spending time with him, laughing, just hanging out....but there is one problem. The sex, at least for me, is not good! He has fun, gets off and enjoys himself, but I'm just not that into it. We have tried different positions, toys, etc...not a big difference for me though. My last boyfriend who I was with for almost 3 years was great in bed. I loved it. But the sex with my new b/f is just short of awful. Sometimes it's a bit better than other times, but overall it's not good. I have yet to orgasm with him. What do you think the problem is?? I feel bad saying this, but his penis is a bit on the small side, could that be it? I don't know what to do....I want to be with him but is good sex more important than a good relationship?
Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 6:28pm

See, that's where you're wrong. Communication is the ONLY way to make it better. Without that, you're both guessing.

But the fact that talking with him isn't doing any good should be another big red flag for you.

Look, as I said before, I've been married a LONG time and I have actually learned a few things in all those years. In making our own mistakes & learning from them, we can offer a bit of insight that the years provide. It's up to you whether you think there's any personal value there or not.

I know that you cannot manufacture chemistry where there is none. You can only accept what you have with any partner and work on making it better. And that's true whether it's a friendship or romantic relationship. But you also have to accept that a dog is a dog and will never be a cat.




Edited 7/6/2006 7:04 pm ET by katmandoo2001
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 6:32pm
kat, i am surprised that you are so adamant that this is a case of bad sex w/ no chemistry in exchange for friendship. it is possible to have chemistry and still have bad sex. i have encountered this problem numerous times. when i was in my 20s i was in a five year relationship with someone i had great chemistry with, however the sex was bad for the first half of the relationship -- my partner was very lustful, but had learned to have zero emotional connection to his partner during sex. this was because he had a lot of emotional trauma in late adolescence and learned to have sex for escape from his emotions. in turn, it was traumatic for me to have sex with someone who was totally emotionally unavailable. it took us a long time to work this problem out (over two years), but work it out we did. we eventually broke up for other reasons even though by that time sex was great. and yes, it is good to talk to your man, but sometimes it's just frustrating because it isn't a quick solution where you just tell him what you want and it's all better. good sex is as much psychological as physical and may require fine tuning on both levels, even when the chemistry is there.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 6:43pm

She has already said that the passion is lacking, in her response to dakine. She said that the attraction probably isn't what it should be. I only followed up on her own words as basis for my opinion.

A romantic relationship requires great chemistry and attraction for great sex to be possible. At the core, even with all the inevitable difficulties of a relationship, is sexual attraction. And if it's not there, sex that is good on all levels isn't possible. But if it is there, then clumsy sex can become good sex with time, patience, & understanding. It's not actually "bad" anyway since the lust is there.

But if this was just a case of her not getting what she needed physically, then that could be pretty easily remedied with him giving it to her. It sounds like he's trying to please her, but she's not responding. She's just not into it. It's up to HER to figure out why she isn't into it.

I don't remember ever feeling that way with anyone I was wildly attracted to though. I DO remember feeling that way with guys I liked enormously and desperately wanted to have an attraction to.

I'm not saying that her BF shouldn't try and help her with this problem. But it's only his problem because it's THEIR relationship, but it's not a problem stemming from his dissatisfaction. He can only help her if it's something he can do or say. The rest is up to her.




Edited 7/6/2006 6:58 pm ET by katmandoo2001
Avatar for sugarbeat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 7:11pm
the passion could be lacking not for lack of chemistry but possibly because it is getting short-fused. sometimes i look at my current bf and i think he is hot and i just want to go jump his bones and wish he could respond in kind, but he is not used to this type of dynamic with a woman and he just says "why are you acting weird?" or "don't you want to talk a bit before we have sex" and then he wants to spoon. i like lovey intimate sex sometimes, but i need the more lustful stuff too. so ten months into the relationship and lots of talking about it, there are small signs of progress. i figure if in my past relationship a guy that was purely physically lustful could change to having lovey sex, then a lovey sex person could change to tap into their lustfulness.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 8:22pm

Maybe, but that's where the communication comes in. In your case, it sounds like there is a core of attraction. In hers, it doesn't sound like there is. At least, not from the info. she has provided.

It doesn't sound like sex was ever good, at least for her. Only she can figure out why it still isn't.




Edited 7/6/2006 8:24 pm ET by katmandoo2001
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 9:20pm
it is important to first be honest with yourself and determine if there really is chemistry or you are trying to convince yourself. from my experience, if there is no chemistry it's not likely to make it to six months (especially in our culture where we place such a high emphasis on it). at least for me there are lots of people i have sexual chemistry with that wouldn't make good partners for other reasons and lots of people that may make good partners but that i don't have sexual chemistry with, so on the rare occasion i find a combo that may need a few tweaks i see it as a long term investment...a better investment than the endless search for the perfect man. and yes, that is where the communication comes in, not just about what moves you like but what you need to feel (safe, naughty, vulnerable, oneness, spontanaity, powerful, desired, etc.). and just like learning different moves, there are ways your partner can learn to facilitate these emotions in you (and maybe even learn something new about themselves along the way).


Edited 7/6/2006 9:23 pm ET by sugarbeat
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 12:48am

I disagree again. There are plenty of reasons that women will "make do" with lousy sex or no chemistry.....if they've had bad luck with men in the past. A good guy isn't so easy to find. They're out there, but they're not easy to find.

Hope springs eternal, too. Many women believe that they can change the guy (or his sex appeal quotient)with time.

But if a guy makes a woman feel like a million bucks OUTSIDE the bedroom, it could easily be a long lasting relationship. IF she is willing to trade good chemistry/sex for comfort & security, and I think many women are.

If they're willing to share one man, as in an affair, they're probably already doing that! Or those women who marry for money are likely doing that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 1:22pm
Yours is the true voice of reason. Many are willing to settle for far less than an ideal physical relationship in order to benefit financially. Since there are often children resulting from such unions, the number of individuals who are affected increases. No question that everybody "makes do" with less.
once.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 2:33pm

Sounds like you don't have any type of chemistry with him. And maybe not feeling any type of real intimacy with him? It sounds like he is more a best friend than anything else from the way you wrote this.

Not too sure there is really anything you can do. Maybe over time you will start developing that attraction you need but I thinking probably not. I thinking no matter what you are able to teach him, it will probably never be good from your end.

For your last question, you want good sex with a good relationship. Now the good sex might have to be learn over time since we learn more about each other as we spend time together but I would say generally the chemistry needs to be there from the very beginning. If you settle for less, either good sex or good relationship, you won't be happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 3:17pm

That's how I used to feel with my BF, exactly! Then, I found ivillage! =D Honestly, it helped so much with my sex life! My bf and I talk to each other about what we like, what really gets us going, thanks to this place. I'm not kidding! I used to think that we werent sexually compatible and sex just never would be awesome between us. Now it is insane! I go home and just crave his touch. We didnt start out that way, just by being open and not afraid to ask questions, and directing him to what I liked. It really makes a difference by communicating your needs.

I used to be a little nervous to vocalize my feelings during sex, I'd just keep quiet and not make a racket. He got the impression I wasnt enjoying what he was doing. So then I just let it all out! I made more sounds to the things I really liked that he did, so he became reassured that he WAS pleasing me. He also became more encouraged to do what he was doing to me, only feircer and more often.