sex vs a great guy.....?
Find a Conversation
sex vs a great guy.....?
| Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:56pm |
I have been with my boyfriend now for 6 months. I'm really enjoying the relationship and I want to be with him. I love spending time with him, laughing, just hanging out....but there is one problem. The sex, at least for me, is not good! He has fun, gets off and enjoys himself, but I'm just not that into it. We have tried different positions, toys, etc...not a big difference for me though. My last boyfriend who I was with for almost 3 years was great in bed. I loved it. But the sex with my new b/f is just short of awful. Sometimes it's a bit better than other times, but overall it's not good. I have yet to orgasm with him. What do you think the problem is?? I feel bad saying this, but his penis is a bit on the small side, could that be it? I don't know what to do....I want to be with him but is good sex more important than a good relationship?

Pages
>>And it's not just women doing this, men talk themselves into staying in passionless relationships, as well.<<
Been there and done that :-)
I can see where you are coming from on this issue, kat. I think that I'll stand somewhere in the middle. It does sound like the Op is perhaps settling for something that isn't there and never was. Bad sex can usually be fixed but you've got to have some attraction there in the first place. I don't think that you can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
I have had relationships where the person was great but I just wasn't 100% convinced that I was physically and/or mentally attracted to them. They were a great person so I'm sure that I THOUGHT that I should be more attracted to them than I was. Unsurprisingly the sex was very average and it wasn't a matter of "doing" something to fix it and make it better. It was all about me and why I wasn't 100% into it from the word "go". I'd go into the bedroom and nothing was quite right - close but she just wasn't doing it for me no matter what she did. I felt lukewarm from start to finish and nothing could heat me up.
Bad sex is different if you go into the bedroom on-the-boil, aroused and keen and then things fall flat and you end up disappointed and lukewarm by the end of it. At least the attraction and chemistry is there in the first place even if the technique or style isn't quite right. The two of you can learn and adjust to one another.
I think that the sarah (the OP) has to figure out how she feels about things and where she's coming from before making any decisions. As far as sexual attraction and desire goes, is she hot for this guy at the start or is she just lukewarm? If she's hot I think it can be worked out. If she's lukewarm I think it will be a struggle.
You've talked to him, and it hasn't worked! Why is that? Is what you say falling on deaf ears? Is he trying for a short time, then reverting to his old ways? Did you hurt his ego? (Yeah, some guys have egos......they like to think they know it all when it comes to sex, and they can't handle being told you need something different than what they're doing!)
You think that talking isn't going to help, but time will? How is that going to happen. Is he going to get a sudden revelation and change? Or are you just going to give up ever having the kind of sex you want, and settle for just having a man?
A good relationship will get better with time, but a relationship that's not working now isn't going to work next month, or next year. If talking about it doesn't help, then it's not going to change!
If you don't "feel it" now......you're never going to "feel it"! Not without some communication, and some compromise on BOTH sides.
Katmandoo wasn't/isn't "badgering" you, neither am I. We've both been around for a long time, and we know that WANTING something to get better isn't going to do anything, it takes work, and cooperation from both parties. Without that, not only will it not get better, but eventually, you'll resent him, and wish you'd never stayed in the relationship.
"Is she hot for this guy or is she just lukewarm?"
Well, Westie, it sounds like we are sympatico since you just repeated everything I said to the OP. But, she thinks she can make herself hot for him. I hope it IS just a case of frustration rather than no chemistry but it sure doesn't sound like it.
IMO, if there is a problem of this nature, you start at square one by asking that basic question "Am I really hot for this guy or is he just a great guy that I WANT to be attracted to?"
Which is it? Then, go from there. I wish her luck.
I wonder how these marriages between people who aren't really attracted to one another factor into the ever dwindling percentages of "successful" ones?
Sex is composed of three elements: technique, physical, and emotional. From what you have posted I would believe you are talking about either the technque and more likely about the emotional. It sounds as though your ex-bf had good technique and physically it was fullfilling. However the emotional end of it was not there and if it was you probably still would be there with him.
I would take a second look at your relationship with him. Sex is a reflection of the relationship and not the other way around. If you are having problems in bed then you are having problems elsewhere in the relationship. The physical aspects of sex (e.g. size, number of times per night, length of sex before orgasm, etc)are not important if you connect at an emotional level in the relaitonship. Take another look at the relationship, find the issue(s) there, and once you resolve them the sex will be better.
Pages