sex, what else

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
sex, what else
4
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:05am
Ok, To begin. I have been masterbating for years with out my husband, He doesn't even know. the reason he doesn't know,is because I have to use something very, very hard to rub on. It works everytime. i would love to share it with him, but the object that i use, well is embarrising. I rarly, well about maybe 5 times in our 16 years marriage has he given me a orgasm, but it was only oral. Our sex life isn't great either. i have never had a orgasm any other way. I have tried many many things but nothing else works for me. What can i do or what can he do? we can not even find the g spot. We have recently descorved the clit, which when he touches or licks or even rubs feels wonderful, but still no orgasm. What to do?
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: jsjnjsjn
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:40am

It sounds like you've trained your body to orgasm in one particular way that your husband can't reproduce (unless you tell him). It has become so set in it's way that it is difficult for you to orgasm any other way. You should be able to retrain you body to learn to orgasm in other ways.

It's not unusual to begin with that the only orgasms you have shared with your husband have been by receiving oral. Many women find this the most pleasurable part of sex and cannot orgasm from intercourse alone.

I suggest that if you don't want to tell your husband - as frustrating as it may be, STOP masterbating with this object, whatever it is, which brings you to climax. Then just explore what else feels good and keep at it... it might take a long time (maybe months) but eventually, I think your body should start to "forget" how to orgasm the way it's been trained and relearn how to orgasm in other ways.

But I think as long as you keep masterbating the way you have, your body will "refuse" to orgasm any other way.

Also, if you and your husband have only just found your clitoris, I'm not really that surprised that you have had trouble climaxing with him. The clitoris is an essential part of orgasms for most women. And you need to really learn how to stimulate it to make you orgasm... it's not like a button that you just push and an orgasm goes off, you have to discover how exactly *you* like it stimulated and that could take a little while as well. I suggest you continue to explore your clitoris with your husband while abstaining from your usual masterbation technique. And since you say you have been able to orgasm from oral in the past, try to remember what exactly was done to make you orgasm and repeat, repeat, repeat!

But it may take a while to undo over 16 years of training your body to orgasm in one particular way so hang in there.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: jsjnjsjn
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:46am

Oh and I just thought of something else too... you say you can only orgasm by rubbing against this object which is "very very hard"... well, your husbands erection should be very very hard as well! Try rubbing against that sometimes, I'm sure he'll love it too! My fiance and I do a lot of rubbing against each other in that way during foreplay as well, it's not unusual or anything.

I don't know what this object is (and you don't need to tell us if you don't want to since you say it's embarassing) but whatever it is and however you use it, you could always try using your husbands penis in the same way you masterbate with this object, if it's possible.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jsjnjsjn
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 12:37pm

I don't think it's necessary to tell your DH that you have rarely orgasmed with him in all these years. Just saying you need something different NOW, will suffice.

And you haven't recently discovered your clitoris if you have been masturbating successfully all these years.

I would imagine that any hard surface would work so why not his erection? Slipping it through your labia and against your clitoris would probably work with practice.

But you shouldn't let initial embarrassment keep you from sharing your masturbatory technique with your spouse. If he can help give you pleasure, then you'll both win in the end. Just take a deep breath and do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
In reply to: jsjnjsjn
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 2:48pm

I agree with the others, but I also want to add that the best way to NOT have an orgasm, is to worry about whether or not you'll have one. Orgasms come from pleasure....and if you're not concentrating on the pleasure you're having, the orgasms aren't going to happen. You're in control of the orgasms, not him. He can HELP you, such as you described, stimulating the clitoris, but it's YOU that has to allow it to happen, and you can only do that by relaxing, and allowing it to happen.

Are you also aware that most women don't have orgasms "any other way", meaning intercourse. Your vagina is NOT your main sexual organ.....because there's very little feeling inside your vagina, with the exception of the "g" spot. If you're looking for that, it's directly behind your clitoris, inside your vagina, on the front wall. Your clitoris is your main sexual organ, along with your brain. It's comparable to your husband's penis.....and just as the head of his penis is very sensitive to touch.....so is your clitoris. In fact, there are 3 times more nerve endings in your clitoris than there are on his penis. Most women, if they want vaginal orgasms, need clitoral stimulation at the same time. He can do it, you can do it, or your position can do it. Woman on top is a good way to get clitoral stimulation, and if you get it right, you might get some "g" spot stimulation, too. (By the way, the "g" spot is just an 'area' of your vagina, it's not a lump or bump or 'button' like your clitoris is. Many people can't find them, and it's not something to worry about. Take small steps, and when you figure out some other things, then you can experiment with that!)

As the others said, try using his erect penis in place of what you used before, along with the manual and oral stimulation. You have a mental block about it, and THINK the only way you can do it is with whatever you were using. You have to untrain yourself from that.

In the meantime, check out www.the-clitoris.com That will explain a LOT of things to you that you seem to be just discovering. Have him read it too....maybe it will inspire him!

Whether you're new at sex, or have been at it for a long time, there is always something new to learn and enjoy. Have an open mind, and try new and different things, with no expectations except PLEASURE.......if you do that, the orgasms will come. ENJOY!!!