sex w/o a boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
sex w/o a boyfriend
12
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 9:38pm
My 'Ex'- boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago, however, we just started getting together about two weeks ago, and somehow, every time we're together, we end up having sex. The first time we did it while not dating, I felt very stupid, for just giving in like that, but it happened again, and I'm realizing that I don't mind it at all because I like being close to him, and I know we probably won't get back together or anything, but is it a bad idea for he and I to be doing this without dating, even though neither of us are seeing anyone else??????

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 10:08pm

I think it depends on the two individual people, the reason why your relationship ended, and how you feel about each other now. There's potential for one of you to get hurt, thinking that your relationship might redevelop into something more than sex. The other problem is that you can put yourself in a position of not looking for a relationship. In general, it's far more common for it to cause more problems than it's worth.

Obviously, none of us here has all the answers about the two of you. What do you think would happen if he started dating someone tomorrow and called things off with you? Or what if he has already been seeing someone else, but just hasn't told you? How would you feel if you met someone else and wanted to start a new relationship?













my partner in the siggy exchange




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 10:09pm

Hi and welcome sexybeastie. Please fill in your profile so we can know something about you. Thanks. There are some great people here, so stick around, have fun and jump in anytime.


As for your question, if you're both happy with the arrangement and neither one of you are in



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 9:46pm
well, i am on birth control, and I know he doesnt want to date anyone anymore, i was his first girlfriend..believe it or not, and he has already told me he doesnt want to get married or have kids. If he did start seeing another girl, or if he just decided to call things off between us, i would be ok with it. it would sting a little, but its not like i need it to be him, i can find another guy. and he knows that too. It just feels weird b/c we still enjoy hanging out, but somehow whatever we do, it always leads to sex. . . it was like that when we dated too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 2:00am

>>he has already told me he doesnt want to get married or have kids. <<

I wouldn't believe that for a moment. What he really means is that he doesn't want to get married or have kids NOW. You'd be surprised what a good relationship and five or ten years can do to a person.

>>I know he doesn't want to date anyone any more<<

I wouldn't believe that either. If the girl of his dreams hit on him tomorrow you can bet that he would start dating again. Even if that doesn't happen, give him a month or two to get over his own "sting" and he'll happily date again.

The only thing that you can be sure of at the moment is that you don't know what is going to happen. There is a very real possibility that he really will call you tomorrow and call things off because he's met another girl he wants to date.

I suggest that you only continue having sex with him if you are 110% comfortable with the idea that he may call it all off tomorrow. If you are the one that called the original relationship off then you may be comfortable with things as they are now.
Do NOT continue having sex with him if you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable - because you'll only get hurt again. At the moment this "thing" is at a dead end and is not going to go anywhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 10:01pm
well, he's 18, of course he doesn't want a family now, but his thoughts on the future are he wants to be by himself. I don't understand why you would want to grow up old and alone, but those are his thoughts on life. He also didn't want a girlfriend, when we were first talking he specifically told me he didn't want a girlfriend because all his friends are ruled by their girlfriends, and NO girl in her right mind would want him b/c he's such a retard. The only people in this world that care enough about him are me and his parents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 4:22am

>>I don't understand why you would want to grow up old and alone, but those are his thoughts on life.<<

As I said before, 5 or 10 years and his thoughts will have changed. In real life there are hardly any people that actually do end up alone all their lives. His thoughts about life and relationships aren't all that strange at his age. There are zillions of 18yoo men that can't even comprehend the idea of "settling down" or even how they could possibly find a woman that would want to settle down with them - or a woman that they would want to settle down with for the rest of their lives.

>>when we were first talking he specifically told me he didn't want a girlfriend because all his friends are ruled by their girlfriends, and NO girl in her right mind would want him b/c he's such a retard.<<

He sounds like a very typical 18yo old to me. I believe that I went through that stage myself.

>>The only people in this world that care enough about him are me and his parents.<<

Yep. Sounds about right. Bear it in mind that at his age he only has some guy friends that he knows and hangs out with. He really isn't old enough to have met and developed any other significant relationships with people in his life. He's only just starting to go out into the world on his own and meet people other than his immediate family and a few friends. He hasn't had enough of a life to have met people and influenced them and had an effect on people and created a large circle of friends and acquaintances - other than his guy-friends who he hangs out with for fun and (maybe) grew up with. In fact many adults go through life with many acquaintances but its still only ever their partner and immediate family that really "care" about them. That's why people talk about family being important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 10:39pm
yeah, i know what your saying, and I do believe that in a few years his opinions of growing up alone will change, but i think he just feels so strongly about it now, he's scared. I think thats why he broke up with me, because he never gave me a reason, but we dated for nine months and i think he was getting to the point where things were way too serious for him, and he couldn't deal with it anymore. I hope if he and i remain friends that he realizes what he has done, because i have known him since i was a baby and he has always been this way. He's really independent and likes his freedom, I guess maybe he feels that I was holding him back in some way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 3:44am

OK. I wish you good luck with everything. I hope that it works out for you - but be careful. Don't make the mistake of thinking that he will change and come back to you. Yes, he will probably still have feelings for you but he also has strong feelings about what he wants to do and he will be more interested in getting into another relationship than going back to you. When he does end up in another relationship he is more likely to move forward with that, than to think about returning to you.

I'm not saying that you and him will never get back together. There's a chance. Anything is possible. I'm just saying that the odds are against it. And you had best be careful because YOU are the one that is likely to get hurt by all this in the long run. There is definitely part of you that wants him back - and "meaningless" sex between two people when it means something to one of them means that someone is going to get hurt.

Basically, I don't think that you should be having sex with him. Sex has NEVER worked as a way to keep a guy interested long term. If he wants you it has to be because he loves you, not because you can give him an orgasm. He can get that from other people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Sat, 10-20-2007 - 8:43pm
yeah, i agree, but for now we're kinda just messing around, I would love to get back together with him but i feel it'll never happen. so its just for fun now, but when another guy comes along i'll call things off, because it'll take more time for him to find a girlfriend than for me to find a boyfriend. but either way no strings attached.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2007
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 11:42pm
Just think about how you'd feel if he found a new gf and you were left all alone while he was happy with his new sexual relationship. If you could handle that, I say keep doing it if it makes you happy. If you couldn't then I'd re-think the situation.

Pages