sexlife after infertility
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| Mon, 05-14-2007 - 2:42pm |
Here is some background concerning my question—my wife and I have been married for just over 6 years. In that time we have been trying to have a baby. Initially we were just carrying on normally not deliberately trying but figured it would happen soon enough. After the first year and a half with no luck we stepped up the program beginning to count days, monitor with a basal thermometer and use ovulation tests. Another year or so passed with no luck so we turned to a fertility expert. We have spent the last 2 years trying first multiple IUF cycles followed by multiple IVF cycles all of which have failed. Following the last failure, the doctor is advising us that my wife’s egg quality is the problem and he is now suggesting using an egg donor which we have decided against.
This entire process has taken a toll on both of us. Aside from coming to the realization that we will not be able to conceive our own child the rigorous rituals we have been performing the last four + years in effort to have a baby has taken away the spontaneity and much of the joy of a normal sexual relationship—sex has become a chore. Under the constant pressure of having to perform on specific days, of course we had our share of failures. During the infertility treatment, the daily/nightly administration of oral and intravenous medications and doctor office visits became exhausting. With all the effort put forth each failed cycle became a larger disappointment.
Now that we are in limbo at the moment, trying to figure out if adoption is the right step for us, we are trying to get back to a normal, healthy and enjoyable sex life. With all the baggage of the last several years we are finding this to be a challenge too.
Has anyone else had a similar experience and what did you do to release the past fears and disappointments to be able to return to a normal, healthy and fun sex life?
Edited 5/14/2007 2:47 pm ET by rs_rudder

Like any other problem, you have to put the past behind you and deal with NOW. Sex was enjoyable before you found out about the infertility. Sex is for a lot more than procreation.....it's for expressing love, it's for intimacy, and it's for pleasure. Think back to how it was before you made it into a "chore"......and just did it for the sake of doing it.
Whether or not you adopt is another subject altogether....and shouldn't affect your sex life. I've also heard of infertile couples that just get on with their lives, and wind up pregnant.
I've never had that happen to me, but as you said, it's "baggage" and you have to get rid of the baggage if you want to move forward. Good Luck!
Sounds like both of you have attached your sex life to having a baby. Try to step back to the basics of what attracted you to each other in the first place. Start "dating" each other again if need be. Go to dinner, the movies, and just take time to enjoy each others company. That should help you to disassociate becoming pregnant with having sex.
Don't beat yourselves up either. You have been down a long path, and there will be a healing time as well as the need to make other choices. Some couples do conceive after they quit trying (I know that happened for me, but my battles wasn't as intense as yours). Sometimes it can be difficult to support each other when you are both hurting, but finding a way to pull each other close is what you need to do for both of you to heal.
Having a few sessions with a couples therapist might be a wise choice too. The therapist will help both of you find effective ways to communicate with each other and to identify ways to find your way back together.
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