Sexual compatability & choice of mate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sexual compatability & choice of mate.
26
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 7:45am
How important to you was sexual compatability in your choice of a spouse? It takes more than good sex to nurture a marriage, but sex is important for most people. I've been married twice. Both women and I engaged in lovemaking before the engagement, and both were good lovers. If the sex had been consistently poor, it probably would have been a obstacle to me wanting to marry them. Both could probably have been good friends, but from a wife, I want a good sexual connection.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 1:18am
I didn't see anyone offended, do you mean me? Wasn't sure since your reply was directed at me.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 7:33am

I don't think anyone was offended by your posts at all.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 12:15am
This is a super old post, but I have been hanging around the Clashing Libido site and found this great topic. Just so you know CL = Clashing libido, LL means Low Libido

I have several comments

I think I know what Tish and others are saying about a partner learning to like sex, but trust me, there is a difference between people who just need to learn and people who will NEVER learn. a true clash is defined by people who view sex differently. People on the CL site say they enjoy sex, it is good, they just NEVER desire it, dont value it, and dont like trying new things. To them sex is not necessary. They want to please their partner, but more than once a month is just SO SO draining for some people. People with LL (low libido) dont like talking about sex outside the bedroom, and are just not interested in it despite the fact that their partners are good. It is strange but true. Now, if you have been with someone for 3 years, and they HATE initiating, have to TRY SUPER HARD to have sex once a week consistently, and dont like talking about it, doing oral, trying different positions, or trying new things, then chances are that they just dont value sex, and when you get married, nothing you can do will motivate them to do it more. Sex just aint there thing. some of you might be thinking that it is because they dont enjoy it. TRUST ME! Some people achieve orgasms regularly, but still dont enjoy it enough to do it more than once per month. Oh yeah, and when I said people dont like talking about it, I dont mean the important stuff, I mean when people casually say "Hey baby, I just love making love to you. You give head so well, I just love it.....", and the person who isn't interested in sex simply replies, "yeah.......so the flowers you bought me were very nice honey".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 12:23am
when I gave that example about talking about sex, it sounded kinda dirty and unflattering when I re-read it, but seriously, even if it is very tactful and not completely random....peopel who arent into sex NEVER want to talk about it casually. Maybe to hash out some issues or something, or maybe to get into the mood, but not as conversation at all.

This was observed in my personal experiences as well as through reading almost every post in the CL thread. If you are going to get married and saw this post and dont know what to make of it, do what I did, go get some books, ask people, and go to the clashing libido thread. Your eyes will be opened wide. Not to scare anyone, but if you are very incompatible and dont even bother to check............you are gambling (maybe it works out, maybe it doenst).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 6:41pm
I never thought about it at all before we got married. It wasn't that it just wasn't high on my list of priorities, it wasn't on the radar screen at all. I guess you could say we grew up together in all ways, including sexually. Because if I had made the decision based on what sex was like 20 years ago, we never would have gotten married. Neither of us was experienced enough (with someone we cared about) to know or experiment all that much. Sex back then doesn't compare to what it is now for us.

We'll be celebrating 20 years of marriage this coming spring, so we must have done something right. I think there's always room for growth. I could never look at sex in the beginning of a relationship and think that that's all there is to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 7:28pm
Hey Tally,

Well, it looks like everything worked for you. Congratulations. I pray I will have the same luck. My fiance and I are nearly perfect. We can dissolve arguments instantly because i usually know how she feels, what she is thinking, and what pertinent feelings/issues we need to discuss. We require very low maintenance. I would never think to myself "sex isnt that great feeling, so lets not get married". But all problems are not created equal. I know she can grow in many areas. She can learn to enjoy mor sports and politics, I have learned to appreciate art and certain novels, we have grown so much together, but when it comes to some core issues, people just cant grow in my opinion. I am glad to here your situation worked out so well though!!!!

One issue, is religion. My fiance and I are about the same in religion, but lets assume she was super religous and I was practically an aethiest. It would be silly for me to ignore that problem and hope that I grow to love her religion. That is just a little too risky. Sex "can" be similar, although must people wouldnt even notice!

For instance, I will talk of my own situatin. It isnt the issue of how sex feels, but more about how she views sex. She went on a month long trip, and she knows I am pretty keen on sex. She simply wasnt in the mood before hand so I wasnt able to make love before she went. She didnt think anything of it becuase she doesnt think like that. When she came back, she still wasnt in the mood, she just missed me and wanted to cuddle. For two weeks, I tried to initiate sex, but she just simply wasnt in the mood and I was going crazy. he issue isnt that she isnt comfortable with sex, it is just that she doesnt desire it all that much. She enjoys it, just doesnt desire it. Finally I convinced her that going so long without it was hard for me, so she increased her frequency, but guess what she never changed her desire for it, just her willingness. Our great communication and her love for me convinced her to increase sex, but she still didnt desire it. She currently meets MY needs and enjoys the process, but she still has to work at it.

I am assuming at least you and your spouse agree that you either both value and desire sex, or both dont. One of you couldnt always be "not in the mood" (even though sex was good) while the other loves expressing love that way and is always "in the mood". I feel the other person would feel deprived while the other one felt pressured.

I am always in the mood, but 2-3 times a week is great. She is never in the mood, but once a month is very enjoyable. Should one expect growth to fix this imbalance when kids/bills/chores/tragedy are not even a factor yet.

Maybe I am wrong, but I believe that this is the situation that people are talking about. If someone just doesnt get in the mood, and the other person thinks it is the greatest thing to share, then isnt expecting growth just wishful thinking?

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