Sexual intimacy=too close?*oh the irony*
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 12-02-2004 - 12:05am |
Okay I really think my last post was just an opinion based thing but this I actually am seeking advice in. I'm trying to rationalize this myself but I need to take other things into consideration that maybe I'm not doing.
My bf and I have been spending A LOT of time together. I mean A LOT. I see him EVERY Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and sometimes even Sunday!! I LOVE him to DEATH and I love being with him. He's my best friend mixed with a compassionate boyfriend and really patient sexual partner. (as you've prolly guessed after my previous posts.)
In the last couple weeks I've been realizing that I'm letting things fall behind. My friends, my work, my school, MYSELF. I put him at the forefront a lot of the time and I don't mind doing that that. And it's not that I'm minding now but I'm finding myself pushing him away a little. Ever since we've had sex, our relationship has become more intense than I can imagine. (Not intense in a bad way just...intense as in we're constantly surrounded by each other) I look at how I'm behaving and I don't like it. I'll drop things to go be with him especially school! (BAD BAD BAD)
I'm pretty rational about things, I've been through a lot of stuff in the last couple years and I'm VERY independant. I'm finding myself pushing him away.
To give you an idea of what's brought me to this, I'll explain the situation:
I wasn't able to go to school today because of a doctor's appt, and same goes for tomorrow and I was kind of happy at the thought that I wouldn't see him for a couple days.
He called me tonight and kind of persisted that he wanted to see me tomorrow and so he'd come over in the morning before his class at 1pm. My house is compeltely in the opposite direction of our school, it's about a 20 minute bus ride too and he's willing to do this to see me. But I don't want him to!! I love him SOOOOOOOO much and this is really scaring me. The thing is, when I realize this I imagine giving us some space physically will maybe give me some space emotionally?
Considering the circumstances (and my quite irregular nature...any woman would be SO happy that he bf would go out of his way the mine is, just to SEE me for a couple hours) I like having sex, I look forward to it. I love being with him that way and honestly, it's a good stress releaser at the end of the week. Does it seem as if the sex could be responsible for our attack of closeness??
-- I am going to talk to him about this. I just don't want to hurt him or make him feel like I'm getting sick of him. I know he's a smart guy and doesn't take things out of context but he CAN be sensitive sometimes and over-analyze. I don't want him to freak out about this inside and not feel secure in our relationship anymore.--

You've answered your own questions. Too much of a good thing can be too much, including sex. Even married couples spend time apart. You had a life before you got into this relationship, and that life didn't just stop because he appeared.
You have girlfriends and family that you need to spend time with. You have school work to do. You're realizing that. You are enjoying your time without him, and you don't want to see him for a day or two. That's normal, and that's the way it should be. You don't give up everything in your life just because you have a boyfriend.
This is your first relationship. It probably won't be your last. No matter how much in love you think you are.....you still need time to yourself. If it's really love, it will survive separation. If he can't understand that, then he's much too possesive.
an important part of being together is making each other 'a better person' thus love themselves more... it's kinda hard to explain, for example, being with my husband makes me a happier, kinder, stronger person, i love myself more because of that, and being with me makes him more mature, more responsible, more optimistic, he could see that in himself that makes him love himself more... make sense?
anyway, my point is, if your relationship is making you feel *bad* about yourself, like you feel you're being irresponsible in neglecting schoolwork, friends, family, etc... then your relationship isn't totally working... i'm sure you love your bf and he loves you, bla bla bla, but *loving yourself* is more important than loving each other in a relationship. this is actually something i learned in a sociology class in college, how you perceive yourself comes before how you perceive the other person in a relationship (or just any human interaction).
so, talk to him and get yourself sorted out... if you need to spend less time together, then do so. this relationship isn't any good if it makes you feel bad about yourself. just tell him that you feel bad about being so irresponsible, so you want to spend more time on schoolwork, if he loves you, he'll understand and be supportive. sorry this might sound a little sarcastic... it's nice that you appreciate his sweet gestures, but really, "20 minute bus ride" isn't a big deal, it's alright to decline... my then-bf used to walk 2 miles then 3 hr on bus to see me on wkends, but if i had work to do, he's happy to sit quietly on the side or find something to do by himself (if i worked at home), if i had to go into the office, he had to stay at my house alone and wait! when we finally spent fun time together, i showed him how much i appreciated his patience and support... ;o)
Everyone needs their own time and there is nothing wrong with that.
Dear poptart,
what you're going through is a natural part of the "love cycle" that all of us have experienced at one time or the other. A healthy, mature relationship has an eb and flow to it. There are times when you are close and there are times when you each need to define yourselves as seperate people. THis is a process, if respected and embraced that will help to make your relationship last for a long time. There must be a continuous balance of two things (then eventually three things): First, you need to be happy and complete in and of yourself. In other words, you need to have interests and focus outside the relationship that help you and he as individuals define yourself. Second, you need to have time together as a couple, and a focus that the two of you share. FInally, if you marry and have children, there also has to be a family focus, where it is you, him and the children (I realize that you're young, and this may not even be in your mind, but I am using it as an example). If any of those things gets out of balance it effects the others.
This initial phase of love that you are experiencing is the normal eros portion of your relationship. It will adjust as you two grow and mature in your relationship. It's always healthy as long as you don't get stuck worrying about the changes.
peace.
Scott.
most relationships start out this way, u want more and more of each other, like each other so much, that u spend sooo much time together. and it gets to be too much. when my BF and i started dating a year ago, we saw each other maybe 2-3x a week, then it increased as we got closer (as it seems to be w/ u guys). but it was only a couple hours a day, we were both busy and things of that sort. now that we're in a long distance relationship i can tell ya u don't need to see each other EVERY DAY! sometimes i wonder when one of us actually moves how i'll deal w/ him everyday hehehe ;-) but even in the normal local relationships, everyone needs space. and when you notice ure other obligations (school) and things that are important to u (friends) slipping, it's time to speak up. let him know u just can't spend that much time w/ him, not only is it unhealthy but u need to stick to ure priorities, it's very possible to balance. the sooner u do it the better bc the longer u keep this going, the harder it will be and he'll likely take offense to it.
good luck
<3cari
Don't feel bad. What you want is perfectly normal and healthy. We all need time apart to decompress from the intensity of being with one another.
I think that you'll find that all the experts agree that living joined to the hip and living for one another exclusively is a sure-fire way to stuff up a relationship in the longterm. The best way to be the best partner in a relationship is to get a life. Don't spend every waking moment together or planning to be together or sacrificing yourself for another person.
Have a life and when you do see one another you have something to talk about, experiences to share, conversation and you are a better person for having done what YOU want to do individually rather than having sacrificed part of your wants and needs to do things together.