Sexual Problems...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sexual Problems...
6
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 3:27pm
I must say that it has been sometime since I posted to this board. I read them when I can but have not had much time to post. My story is kind of involved and could take sometime to explain. I will try to give you the "Readers Digest" version.

First I am a 50 year old male, happily married with a couple of kids. About 4 years ago I began having problems holding my urine. It finaly got to the point that I was not making it to washroom. I started wearing "Depends Guards". I was not sure how to explain this to my wife so I just told her one day. See said that I better go checked out. Went to the Urologist an he ordered a lot of test. (Believe me they were not fun). After getting the results he found that I had severe urinary tract/Bladder infection. We immediatlely started on drugs, however after 6 Mo. I either had not totally killed the bacteria or it came back. They did a cystoscopy...(pretty gross) It was learned that I had a growth blocking the urethera. They did a TUIP as opposed to a TURP. To make a long story short this did not work and ended up having the TURP anyway.

Here is My problem...I was told all this information before surgury. I would still have the sensation of orgasam, however no fluid would be expelled. (this is commonly known as Retrograde Ejaculation) I did not think this would be a problem then, but it has really effected me. I do not have the same DESIRE for sex that I used to. What makes it worse is is I feel like something has been taken from me. I do not know how to get over this. There is nothing that can be done to correct this. What makes things worse is I still get the infections. Now they want to do another cystoscopy and see they can find out about the infections.

I am so distraught about this that I cannot talk to the Doctor or even my wife. I almost just don't want to have sex anymore. The doctor has not asked me about my sex life since after the TURP. Has anyone elses had or husband who has had this condition? Does anyone have any suggestions? This really bothers me and I feel sexuall y inadequate. I think my sex life is over.

ACE

P.S. Please don't just tell me to talk to my wife. I just can't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 3:51pm

From a 46 yr old woman's point of view, first I have not gone through anything like that with my husband but, if something like that did happen to him, it would not upset me as far as our sex life.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:11pm
It's interesting because you sound almost exactly like someone that has been badly scarred, lost a limb, or a woman that has had a masectomy.

The trauma from the tests, the operations and the changes to your sexual functioning and body image have affect you so deeply that you have repressed your desire to have sex or even think of yourself as someone that is still capable of having a relatively normal sex life.

I don't think that we can help you in the way that you need to be helped here on these boards. I firmly believe that you need to go back to your Doctor and ask them to organise some counselling for you. Being able to talk (not just type) about this is important.

If you don't go then you are going to continue along as you are now and with time you will get more and more depressed, the feelings in inadequacy will build and if you think that you are in a bad place now, realise that you will be worse in 12 months time. It won't just be sexual functioning that will put stress on your marriage. Your entire attitude and personality will have changed for the worse.

Like most men you seem to have a difficult time talking to those close to you about very personal issues. For the time being I suggest that you don't talk to your wife about it. See the Doctor and get some help and try talking to the counsellor or therapist. Tell the Doctor that "I am having serious problems with my body image and my sexual relationship. I do not feel comfortable talking about this but I need some help with this. Please arrange some therapy."

Good luck. Remember that you are doing this for you, your wife, and your family. Try to remember that if you begin to feel embarrassed talking about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 9:54am
My husband had a TURP and then was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He does not have a desire for sex anymore. We went to a urologist and he was told he had nerve damage from the TURP and the radiation from prostate cancer. So, the only thing he could have done was to have an implant. He did that and still does not want sex. He says he has no sex drive. He goes to the internet and looks at porn, I guess to stimulate him or something. Anyway, our marriage is messed up because of all this, so I feel I can understand how you feel. We still love each other very much, but we just cannot seem to understand why the bedroom is off limits anymore. He is frustrated as well as me. I hope you and your wife can get things worked out. It is hard to get older and have your intimacy taken away because of a medical illness. Good luck to you and your wife.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 10:15am

First, I'm sorry that you're going thru all this. It's frustrating enough to have a medical problem of any kind, and then realize that it's an "ongoing" problem.

People (male and female) sometimes equate their sexual difficulties with their "manhood" (or femininity). That's so not true. You've lost the ability to ejaculate, but NOT the ability to be sexually active. Just guessing, but at your age, I doubt if you want to have any more children, and that's the real purpose of ejaculation. Everything else is there. You feel the "orgasm", you just don't produce ejaculate. Maybe it would help you to put it in perspective. Think about the man who felt sorry for himself because he had no shoes, until he saw a man who had no feet!

Your wife is probably having the same emotions that you are, only she's also probably feeling rejected, and undesirable. She's just as unhappy with the turn of events as you are, and you NEED to share your feelings with her.

As Westridge said, talk to your doctor and see if he can recommend a therapist that can help you work thru your loss. It is a loss, but again.....perspective. It could be worse. Please try to get help, because you're hurting yourself AND your wife. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2004
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 12:26pm

PLEASE talk to your doctor about this!! Dealing w/ any side effects of a treatment is part of the doctor's job. There may be a straightforward solution to your lack of desire. I find it rather disturbing that so many physicians don't ASK about problems once they think something is "fixed" or "cured." They leave it up to the patient to bring up stuff that is often difficult for a non-medical person to put in words.

I hope you can eventually discuss this with your wife too. I'm sure she would want to know how you feel--I certainly would.

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 3:09pm

Ace, when I was 58, I had a very enlarged prostate which was blocking the flow of urine. It was dealt with surgically by a transurethral scraping out of the inside of the protate. The surgeons call it their roto rooter job. In the process of scraping out the inside of the enlarged prostate, one of the 2 valves that men have is removed. I was told that my ejaculation after the sugery would be forced back into my bladder because the valve that would have allowed it to ejaculate out would no longer there. I did speak to a few men who had the same operation and they all assured me that the sexual "feeling" would be the same but without the ejaculate coming out.

After the operation and the short recuperation, I was anxious to "try it out" to see if the outcome was as predicted by the surgeon. The first time, I had pain mixed with pleasure for an odd feeling. After a few days, the pain was gone and the expected pleasure was still there, so I was a happy camper.

My wife was not one who enjoyed semen rumnning down her leg after sex, so she got to enjoy the "no mess, no bother" sex immensely. I am now 74 and still shooting blanks, but enjoying sex as much as ever.

I certainly hope that you are not being psychologically affected by the fact that you no longer ejaculate. For me, my expectation was positive and the result was positive. Since the few men that I asked who had had the surgery prior to my sugery were positive, I also fully expected a positive outcome. I hope that you mental state at this time is not hindering your outcome.

Psychological counselling would be a good choice for you, and try to keep your hopes up by not dwelling on the lack of ejaculation. My sincerest hopes for a good outcome for you.