Sexual Shame

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2013
Sexual Shame
2
Fri, 08-23-2013 - 8:01pm

Hi there,

Looking for some advice.  Whenever I want or have sex, especially during orgams, I feel shame.  I've always loved sex, always been orgasmic, but I'm a childhood sexual abuse survivor (a woman in my family did it, among others) and my husband has been emotionally unfaithful in our marriage (still healing).  He also came into our relationship with a lot of sexual experiences, and after years of trying to impress him sexually, I've given up and realized I can never top the other experiences he's had (and he's never reassured me otherwise).  Lately it's been a lot of solo sex but the shame is still there and is in fact worse, even when I try to use porn to set the mood.  The sexual shame and disgust are throwing me off.  Any suggestions on things I can do to get past it?  I want to be a sexually confident woman again!

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 08-25-2013 - 8:27pm

I doubt you could really get past this without professional counseling.  Sexual abuse as a child is a very serious matter and if you have never had counseling it can really mess you up.  Also sex isn't a competition and it's very sad that your DH hasn't reassured  you of this.  He should be with you because he loves you & not comparing you to other women.  My exH had been with I don't know how many women because I never asked (or cared) --this is my 2nd DH and we were middle aged when we got married.  I had been with very few men.  We had a good sex life but I never asked him or thought about how I compared to other women because I knew he was interested in me--and he did compliment me about how he thought I was sexy.  I think you're going down a bad path with anyone if you ask them how you are compared to other previous partners.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 1:22pm

I agree with musiclover on many points!  If you haven't had professional counseling (with one who specializes in childhood abuse) then you need to get it.  People think if they just "bury" it, the problems will go away, but they won't.  As for your husbands prior experience, numbers mean nothing.  My ex was a serial cheater after we got married.  He had plenty of experience in the 20 years we were married (none before) and he was still a lousy lover.  After my divorce, I went looking for what I'd missed out on before marriage, and found that most men were as bad as my ex......selfish, and no knowledge of how to please a woman, wham bam thank you ma'am.  The fact that he cheated on you did play on your psyche.......you already felt "unworthy", that added to it.  The "shame" is all part of the unresolved pain from your childhood abuse.  Many children who were abused actually enjoyed the sex itself, even though they knew it was wrong, and you carried it into adulthood......it felt good, but in your mind, it wasn't supposed to.....just like when you were a child.  Running thru your mind is "bad girl, shame on you for enjoying it"!  Please get some help with it........and it might even change the way your husband treats you.......if he sees you are truly enjoying it.   Good Luck.