Sexually Frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sexually Frustrated
9
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 9:36pm

I'm really struggling with my sexual relationship with my fiance and I'm hoping there is someone who can give me some answers or their opinion on things....

I think my fiance might have a problem. He's told me that he's never had a wet dream or blue balls and I don't know if he's ever had an erection just because... Getting him to have an erection is like this huge job and it makes me feel like it's because he's not sexually attracted to me. In my last relationship my guy always seemed to have an erection and it took almost no effort on my part to turn him on. My fiance is 22 years old and I feel like his sex drive is almost non existent. He rarely wants to have sex... hardly even once a week and even then it's me who is initiating it. He doesn't like kissing and that's really difficult for me. I'm a person who really needs intimacy and kissing fills that need for me, but the most I get out of him is a peck here and there. When this guy and I dated a couple years back when we were about 18 years old I loved our sex life. I felt like our sex life was one of the best aspects of our relationship. He tells me that he's just older now and his desire for sex has decreased, but for some reason I feel that something has got to be wrong. Isn't that what a forty year old man should say? Not a 22 year old guy. I honestly feel that if I looked like a victoria secret model than he would want me all the time and that the only reason we do have sex at all is his occasional orgasm need instead of a love and intimate thing. Am I just completely out of my mind? Am I too used to an amature in bed who cums the second he gets inside or can my fiance really have a problem? Is there anything he can do or take than can enhance his libido? I hear that exercise helps increase libido and he never exercises and I'm wondering that is maybe it.. Anyways, if someone could help me out please!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 12:15am

First and foremost, this has nothing to do with you. If he's not interested, then he wouldn't be interested in a Victoria's Secret model, either.

Libido comes from hormones, and from the brain. Not every guy is a "horn dog". There are guys that are just NOT interested in sex, period.

There are also illnesses and diseases that can cause erection difficulties, as well as medications, and hormonal imbalances. How long since he's had a good physical done? Being 22 doesn't automatically mean that he's healthy, mentally or physically.

He could have diabetes, he could be depressed, (or on anti-depressants, which are notorious libido killers). He could have high blood pressure. His hormones could be out of whack.

He should start by getting a good physical. If there's nothing physically wrong with him, then he's either just not interested, or he's got some kind of repression or hangups. Did he come from an extremely religious background? I hate to mention it, but it's even possible that he's not attracted to women, but fighting admitting that he's interested in men.

All I can say is that you should have a talk with him, tell him that you're concerned, and try to get him to see a doctor.

I would also reconsider marriage with him.......because marriage isn't going to change anything, and it will probably get even worse. If you're frustrated now, it will be worse then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 9:25am

Dakine hit everything on the mark.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 9:48am
Better shop around.
That isn't what any forty year old that I know, would say unless they had a foot in the grave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 12:08pm
I appreciate all of your replies! I think I will have a talk with him and try to get him to see a doctor... I am afraid I will offend him, but I guess if I am going to marry this guy than there should be some open communication. Thanks everyone
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 3:49pm

You are afraid of offending him, but he's offending you by not being responsive to you.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 4:16pm

Any sexual issues you have NOW, will still be there after you marry. But they often can become worse, so deal with this now.

This is a red flag and you can't ignore it. You have time to figure out what kind of problem you're dealing with so that you can make an informed choice about your future together.

But by all means, do NOT underestimate or brush aside the long term effects of sexual frustration & deprivation on a relationship. Frustration turns into resentment and anger and over time, will erode even the best of marriages.

I don't think anyone should marry a partner can't or won't make every effort to meet their needs, within reason. And if that means couples counseling, a medical evaluation, or whatever, than every step should be taken to ensure that your marriage has the best chance for success and happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 6:43pm
I think I need to clear something up because of all the comments about making sure I want to marry this man. Now, he would totally please me anytime I said I wanted it... it's just that I guess I'm not used to being the one to initiate. I have never dated someone where sex wasn't on their mind constantly and I think you all answered my message very clearly. We are getting married and I'm having a baby and maybe it is the stress of all that that has decreased his sex drive. Maybe it is just my own insecurities. Thanks for all your comments they are all appreciated!!!
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 6:56pm

Absolutely, dealing with a baby on the way at 22, getting married at 22 is a LOT to deal with and stress absolutely affects libido, but it really sounds as if you're now attempting to make his issues sound less serious & potentially problematic.

MOST couples have differing libidos, so this isn't an insurmountable problem, it's a very common one. BUT without communication & compromise, it WILL affect your relationship adversely.

Talk with him. Explain how you feel when you always have to initiate. Explain that you need to feel desirable and wanted, just as he does. IF he isn't willing to make some effort and adjustments in his behavior to accomodate you more, then counseling might be the best bet BEFORE getting married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 8:42am

Whatever it is, it is something that has to be talked about, dealt with and solved before the two of you get married.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd