Should I be concerned
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Should I be concerned
| Mon, 04-25-2005 - 6:38pm |
My husband and I have been together since 1997. We have two wonderful girls, and I'm blessed to have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. But lately, any advances I make toward my husband are just thwarted off by him going to sleep. No matter what I do. I get out of the shower and sit on his lap, and he still goes to sleep. I mean I know I don't look the same as I did when we were dating, but could he really not want me because I'm a little over-weight? Someone help!

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Was the decision for you to be a stay-at-home mom a mutual one? If not, then it's possible that he's a little resentful about carrying all the weight of supporting the family.
OR he might just be extra tired lately. Most men can't simply fall asleep when attempting to to avoid sex! Have you tried approaching him at a different time of the day when he's less tired? How about in the morning?
I would suggest that you ASK him why he's been giving you the cold shoulder and avoid jumping to conclusions.
I can see why he's so tired. Working like that for those hours would wear anyone out. I think that you are jumping to conclusions when you wonder if you're not as physically attractive as you once were.
I'd look more towards trying to get him home early some nights and to try and spend some of those days-off with him. Unless he HAS to work these long hours to pay the bills then he is taking his work to an extreme. There has to be a balance between work and family and at the moment there seems to be absolutely no family. Why does he feel that he has to be out there all the time with other people on his days off? I think that you should have a serious talk with him and try to find a compromise between work, family and your intimate relationship. You might need the money, but it is also destroying your relationship and your family life.
On the other hand, if money is not the main concern and he CAN take time away from the businesses and work, he may be working these hours to avoid his family life. Maybe he doesn't like helping with the kids very much, maybe he (like you) has found that the intimacy has suffered), and is avoiding it. No-one knows but him. In which case it is just as important to sit down and talk to him. But this IS all jumping to conclusions, you need to talk to him, find out how he feels about things and, together, work towards a solution.
With his schedule, he has every right to be bone tired but you NEED to tell him that you feel neglected. IF he didn't want to spend time with a wife and family, then he shouldn't have gotten married!
He's got to make some adjustments or your marriage will continue to suffer! You know the old saying..."A garden left untended will soon turn to weeds."
It seems to me he has time for everyone else but me. He makes sure he spends time with the kids, and sometimes, when I think he's working, he's playing cards or hanging out at the gun shop. He says that when he's at home with me, I always end up mad at him. I don't get mad, but I get frustrated because he sits there while I'm trying to clean up after our two kids, EIGHT dogs and him. I never finish laundry, I have to stop what I'm doing to drop off and pick up our oldest from school, run errands for his businesses, pay the bills, go grocery shopping, and find time to do everything else. But he can't even take the time to pick up some toys or let the dogs outside. We've discussed this a million times, but he thinks I have the easiest job in the world. He doesn't realize how hard it is. We need the money right now, but in two years, we won't need as much, but I'm afraid he's still going to work as much, or more, as he does now. I just don't know.
Thanks,
Sarah
The more I read, the more I'm convinced that this sexual problem is more a psyche one that a physical one.
I'm going to guess, and this is just a guess, that he is aware of how frustrated you are with him not doing more with helping you as you feel he should. THAT is typcial response of men AND women IMO when individuals run off to others like that at times. Sounds like he naturally feels more comfortable around those others since they make him feel uneasy about his ways.
In addition, when you said the more you try the harder it gets to turn him on, that makes sense too. Many times a partner who isn't in the mood on his/her own will likely feel the harder the other partner tries to initiate something. Happens all the time (figure of speech of course) with couples.
Anyway, by the sounds of it, he is more comfortable with the others and thats why he makes time for them...no other guess fits as well as that one IMO. He knows your frustration, he's tired from all the work, pattern fits.
Solution? There's probably oodles of 'em. Only thing I can think of is to go easier on him, even if you feel he doesn't deserve it. Listen...VERY closely...Mrs. Para & I don't get along so well because we treat each other , so maybe its worth a try to just lighten up on him and watch what happens. Your choice, not sure what worked for you so far anyway, so its just one of MANY ideas to think about, nothing more.
C H A R A C T E R
I don't think you're selfish to desire companionship, sex and affection from your husband. IF he makes time for friends, himself and everyone else but you, then something's wrong.
Yes, there are only 24 hrs. in a day, but I would HOPE that a husband would want to spend some of that time with the person he choose as his life partner. And he could, if he chose to.
However, stop making yourself available to him for the time being and let him come to you. IF he doesn't, then talk with him and tell him what you want and need from him. IF he's unwilling to make some changes, I would suggest couples counseling to find out what's at the heart of this problem.
Edited 4/26/2005 6:07 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
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